Page 130 of As You Walk On

“Let’s go,” grunts Darren. “We’re not here for him.”

I stand my ground.

“I want to hear what he has to say.”

“Theo,” Darren groans like he’s reaching his limit. “He’s the reason you almost didn’t get here. Ignore him.”

I turn my eyes on Darren. “I’ve got this,” I whisper. Then I nod at Luca, hoping he understands. He puts on his best grin, leading the others toward the venue.

Darren waits a beat. His face says he’s holding back a hundreddifferent choice words for me. Eventually, he follows the group, never saying a word to Jay.

“Bold of you to think I’d want to talk,” I say once Jay approaches.

“Can’t you tell?” He shrugs with a lighthearted smile. “I love to gamble.”

“You’re used to the odds being in your favor.”

“Ouch.” He fakes a wince. “When did you become so mean, Theo?”

I open my mouth, ready to unload on him, but he raises both hands, laughing.

“I’m kidding!” Once he takes in my expression, his smirk fades. “You’re right. I’m used to winning. Having shit go my way. I’m sorry.”

It catches me off guard. I almost stumble back. Then I hear Makayla’s voice in my head. What she said about apologies.

“What for?”

Jay scrubs a hand across his forehead. He’s thinking. A group of band nerds passes us, gawking. The implosion of TNT remains a hot topic in the outlier circles. My heart kicks when I search their group for Christian, but he’s not there.

“I’m sorry about the dare.Both dares,” he finally says once we’re alone again. “I got so caught up in all the pressure from my family, I—it got to me, okay?”

“It got to you?” I squeeze out of my tight throat. “That’s your explanation?”

“I’ve never felt good enough for them,” he says, exasperated. “I’ve never felt good period, except when I was with TNT. Exceptwhen I was with you. You’re my best friend. I miss that.”

He blinks, eyes are wet, cheeks rosy.

“I fucked up.” He cracks his knuckles. “Senior year’s in a few months. I want to move past my family’s expectations. Do better. Get back to normal.”

Back to normal. Was anything ever normal about our friendship?

I struggle to look him in the eye. Not because he’s on the verge of tears. Because nothing he’s said acknowledged the hurt or stress he caused me. Nothing’s about me. It’s all about him.

It’salwaysabout people like him.

“That’s not an apology,” I say. “You haven’t named a single thing you’ve done to me. For months. Foryears, Jay.”

“I said—”

“Saying sorry and owning your fuck-ups are two different things.”

His mouth snaps shut. Those tears slowly dry up too. His chest rises and falls rapidly. He’s either going to explode or break down. I can’t bring myself to comfort him.

It’s all I’ve ever done, right? Comfort Jay. Excuse away his actions. Let him off the hook. Look past everything that’s bothered me because he was nice and fun. Because everyone loved him. Because we shared a few similar struggles.

I hear Luca in the back of my head.

We’re not the same.

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