Page 68 of As You Walk On

It’s true. The countless times my teammates have bragged about their sex lives to applause, jokes, or stunned awe runs through my mind. No dragging. No derogatory name-calling. Not a peep about how if it was coming from someone who didn’t identify as a man, the responses would be different.

Much different.

It’s hard to stomach more of Makayla’s story. The way two boys become four. Then ten. Twenty-five. Guys she’s never spoken to outside of a quick, meaningless hello are suddenly people she’s messed around with.

“The part that gets me every fucking time,” she says, laughing sadly, “is the girls who call me Swipe Right Mack. Girls I don’t even know.”

Her eyes peek toward Aleah. Guilt mixes with the frustration in her expression.

“The ones I’m friends with.”

Aleah and I simultaneously swallow. I can’t imagine the Aleah I knew using such a gross nickname.

“I’d never call you that,” River says.

“Thank you,” Makayla whispers, tucking strands of hair behind her ear.

“Is that why you got pissed when I left you downstairs?” Luca inquires.

“Random dudes approach me all the time. Ask me to blow them or, worse, touch me without permission,” Makayla replies.

Luca looks as remorseful as Aleah did a second ago.

Makayla’s eyes are glistening, but she never lets a single tear fall.

Is that what we’re all doing tonight? Being strong? Refusing to let the world crush us completely?

“I never called you that either,” I swear. “I never meant to let others hurt you.”

I don’t know what’s worse: that this is Makayla’s reality or that I never did anything to change it.

How many times has Jay called her Swipe Right Mack? Too many.

How many times did I confront him about it? Not enough.

“They never do.” Makayla mimics me—knees pulled to her chest, arms cradling her shins. She sniffles while looking at all of us. “Maybe reconsider the friends you keep.”

I think about what Makayla said earlier. Feeling more committed to your history with someone than the actual relationship. My friendship with Jay is complicated. But is that enough to walk away?

CanI walk away? Our families celebrate holidays together. Then there’s the track team. Summers at Sonic. The dares. So many things connecting us. Places where I’d see him.

How long have I pretended to only see the Jay I want versus the one that’s right in front of me?

I’m grateful for the Jay who brings me energy bars. Posts sentimental shit on my birthday. But how can I ignore the Jay who casually slut-shames Makayla? The same Jay who couldn’t warn me about Christian having a boyfriend before I made a total ass out of myself?

I bite hard on my lip. Tears sting my eyes. I hold them in.

What about the Duke recommendation letter from Mr.Scott? What about Dad? If The Plan wasn’t such a big factor in my future, would this be easier? Is one silly letter really what’s holding me back? Or is it something else?

Aleah pivots toward River. “What about you? I know coming out’s a big deal, but...” Her index finger taps the name tag stuck to her chest. “Seems like tonight’s bigger than justthis.”

River rocks in place. Tiny, multicolored feathers from the boa are stuck to the ends of their hair.

“Hey,” Luca says, breaking the silence twisting over our heads like a vicious ghost. He squints at Aleah. “You never answered your own question.”

I smile, wondering if he knew what I was thinking:River hates this kind of attention.

“Why areyouhere?”

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