Page 73 of As You Walk On

We saw each other whenever Mario came over or at church. But she stopped attending. The breakup was barely cold before Mario left. He was Aleah’s ride everywhere. Her dad’s schedule was too hectic, and he was never close enough with my pops for Dad to reach out.

It’s what’s made parts of the past five years easy. I never had to see Aleah after ending our friendship. Not until freshman year at Brook-Oak.

“Besides,” I say to River, “I didn’t want to feel like we had to hide our friendship from my pops.”

River’s eyebrows slant like they don’t believe me.

Thing is, as much as I want, I’m not sure that’s the truth either.

This has been my dirty secret for years:

When Dad finally asked why I stopped spending hours on the phone with Aleah, I lied.

She’s busy with new friends. She’s moved on.

It was the first time in weeks Dad hadn’t spent his nights crying after he thought I went to bed. I didn’t want to bring up Mario’s name. Didn’t want to admit I ditched Aleah for him. For both of us. I didn’t want to tell him I was still confused about whether I’d done the right thing.

Because, at the time, ithad to bethe right thing. Dad was getting better every day. I couldn’t put him through all of that again.

Oh, baby boy.He’d kissed my forehead.I know how that feels.

I knew he was talking about Mario.

I have Jay. And Darren,I told him.And you.

It was enough to make him smile and drop the subject. He ordered pizza. We watched the Transformers movies. He kept me tucked under his arm the whole time. Never once did we acknowledge the other one sniffling at the funniest scenes.

Now I roll and unroll my T-shirt sleeves, trying to buy myself time. The right words are so far out of reach, they might as well exist in another galaxy.

“I’m sorry, Aleah,” I finally say, voice cracking. “I’m really, really sorry.”

“No, you’re not,” she disputes, recoiling when my hand reaches out. “Sorry would’ve came the day after you stopped talking to me. Sorry would’ve came the first day of school at Brook-Oak. The first time you saw me in the halls. Anytime before tonight.”

When I glance around, River avoids eye contact. Makayla’s mouth is pulled sideways like she’s disappointed. Luca chews on his lip.

“Sorry shouldn’t comeafteryou’ve been called out,” Aleah adds. “That’s not an apology. It’s guilt.”

She’s right. I am guilty. For five years, guilt has walked next to me like a replacement best friend. A hologram of the person who would’ve never made the choices I made.

How can I be hurt by any offense Jay’s ever committed when I’ve done all of this to Aleah?

“Wow,” says Makayla softly. “That got...”

“Heavy?” Luca offers.

She nods. “Anyone else want to drink to that?”

Out the corner of my eye, I see River take a sip. Luca’s mouth opens like he’s about to ask them who’s heart they broke, but I’m hit with a thought.

“You didn’t drink,” I tell Aleah.

“What?”

“ ‘Never have I ever broken a friend’s heart.’ ” I repeat her statement. “What happened with Lexi? Wasn’t sheyourbest friend?”

Aleah blinks for a beat. She’s processing how to answer the question. Finally, she flops back onto the floor, shoulders slouched.I recognize this pose. The weight of something finally bringing you to your knees.

She whispers, “We hooked up.”

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