Page 74 of As You Walk On

“You and Derek?” Luca asks, scandalized.

“No.” She grimaces. “Me and Lexi.”

“Oh.” Luca says the word while my lips can only form the letter.

Another fact about Aleah Bird I didn’t know—she’s queer. Like me.

I wonder if, back when we were two kids sitting in the pews, she was figuring things out like I was. Maybe she already knew.

What would my life have been like if I had a queer best friend instead of two straight friends? Someone who faced the same issues I did. Who knew exactly what I was thinking when Jay and Darren didn’t.

Aleah’s brow wrinkles. She picks at already chipped blue nail polish on her thumb. “I don’t know when it started. The flirting. I’d kind of liked her for forever, but... I didn’t think she noticed.”

Even though she’s not looking, I nod.

“She’d joke around about kissing sometimes.” Aleah laughs hollowly. “We were always wasted, so I never let anything go down.”

Makayla slips an arm around her shoulders. “It happened on the tourney trip, didn’t it?”

Aleah tips her head toward the ceiling, fighting tears. They come. Slow at first. A winding trail on her left cheek, then right.

“She kissed me. Then I kissed her. And we kept... We weren’t even drunk!” A choked noise breaks free. “The next morning, she denied everything. Said, ‘I’m not like you! I have a boyfriend! I’m not supposed to do this.’ We argued and screamed for a while.Next thing I know, her and Derek are over, we lose the game, and everyone blamed me.”

As quick as it came, Aleah shrugs off Makayla’s arm. Scoots away. “Even myfriendsdecided I was at fault.”

Makayla sheepishly drops her chin.

“And you took it because you didn’t want to out her,” I say quietly.

More tears dribble down Aleah’s chin. She doesn’t wipe them away. Her hands are shaking in her lap.

“Why couldn’t she just admit she felt the same?” She inhales sharply. “Why do the people I love keep rejecting me?”

It’s the first time our eyes meet. There’s no wrath behind hers. Only sadness. Someone tired of being repeatedly broken.

“My mom. Lexi.” Her bottom lip trembles. “You.”

“I—”

TheI’m sorryalmost kisses my lips again. I hold it in. I know she doesn’t want it.

“Aleah,” Makayla tries, cautiously inching a hand forward. “It’s all talk. What happened with Lexi isn’t a big deal. People at Brook-Oak are like goldfish. They’ll move on to the next thing soon.”

The vexation returns to Aleah’s face. “No, they won’t. You of all people know that!”

“It’s different with you.”

“Ha!” I’m startled by the noise coming from my own throat. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “You think it’s easier for her? Forus?”

Makayla looks confused.

“No disrespect to your sitch at school, but it’s not like that for us,” I say, wiggling a finger between Aleah and me.

Aleah nods. Despite what’s happened, we still share more commonalities than differences. One of them being Black teens from poor-to-average families at a school trying to be woke, but constantly failing.

“Black students at Brook-Oak have to be twice as good at everything just to get by,” Aleah says patiently. She’s clearly given this speech to every white friend she’s ever had. “We need to be star athletesandthe top of our classes. Kindandaccepting. The moment we step out of line, it’s a wrap. We don’t get second chances.”

“No matter how good we are, we’re still ‘lucky’ to be there,” I add, fighting off the wobble in my voice. “It’s never enough for—”

---