Page 85 of As You Walk On

“S-sorry,” they stutter, dabbing their face with a napkin.

Makayla rubs their back.

“Sorry,” they repeat, breathing hard. “I haven’t felt this silly—felt so much like myself since...”

Their silence hangs for a full minute. An uncomfortable heaviness sits on my shoulders as River trembles and sniffs hard, wiping away snot. I rest a hand near theirs on the table.

“Since when?”

River exhales hard, leveling me with a bleary but certain stare.

“Since I killed my best friend.”

17

NEW SQUAD RULES

The quiet atour table stretches forever.

Bacon sizzles on the flat top griddle. The Bro Squad argues about Marvel movies. Silverware drops and clatters. Food orders are barked out from behind the bar. The jukebox is now rotating through nineties ballads thanks to Study Girl.

But we’re caught in a noiseless bubble, huddled around River as they steady their breathing.

“Devaughn Ameen,” River says slowly to the fresh glass of water our server dropped off. “My best friend. My whole heart.”

I never interacted with Devaughn. He was a year behind me. Keeping up with over a thousand students at one school is impossible. But something in the newborn streaks falling across River’s heartbroken smile makes me wish I would’ve known him.

River swipes through photos. Their cheek mashed against a slim-faced boy with rich, dark-brown skin and a shadow fade thatmakes his ears stick out. His grin is infectious in every pic.

“He died last year.” The hand holding River’s phone trembles. “Car accident.”

Everyone at Brook-Oak heard about it. But none of us know the full story.

“Was he...?” Luca doesn’t finish the question. I think he’s scared to ask. We all are.

“No, no.” River bites their lip. “He didn’t drink. He was fifteen.”

I try not to look doubtful. Jay was sneaking Darren and me alcohol during sleepovers when we were fourteen.

“I’m serious,” says River. “The only rule he ever broke was meeting up with me down at the Vogue once a month for the late showing ofThe Rocky Horror Picture Show.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

River barely steadies the water glass as they sip. I look past them to the jukebox. Boyz II Men comes on. “End of the Road,” which is way too ironic, but fitting when River explains what happened.

Devaughn didn’t have a ride that night. His parents were early-shift hospital workers. Always in bed before nine p.m. River was dressed in full costume, waiting nervously for him at the Vogue. They suggested Devaughn “borrow” his parents’ car.

“He crashed into a tree.” Fresh tears spill across River’s cheeks. “I’m the reason he died. Because I wanted my best friend with me. It was our thing. Being queer and campy and free with the audience. He was the only person who knew I was enby. The only one who loved me for me. Other than Katie, I guess. Definitely not my parents or anyone at school.”

“Riv.” Aleah can barely speak. She’s smearing tears from her own face. “It’s not your—”

“Itis.”

The music fades. Luca scrubs at a water ring, not making eye contact. My fingers inch closer to River’s but never touch. I want them to know I’m here.

“How do you keep going when the only person pushing you along is gone?”

None of us have an answer to River’s question.

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