Page 85 of Inferno

In the short time I was with him, he made me feel more seen and more abandoned than I’ve ever felt before, and even though I love him, a part of me hates him a little too. He told me I was his. He told me he owned me, that I belonged to him, and then he left.

I feel stupid for allowing myself to fall in love with him, but he made it impossible not to. I knew he had some insecurities about his need for control, but those were his issues, not mine. The parts of his controlling nature that he showed me only made me want to sink deeper into his intense, consuming needs.

I’ve never been desired. I’ve never had anyone care about me or worry about me and want to take care of me. The fears he had of taking over my life made me feel safe. Yesterday morning when I woke up in his arms, I was ready to hand my life to him so I could focus on just being happy for the very first time.

Now I need to forget the romanticized notion of a grand love and instead focus on survival and this new life I have a chance to make here. For the past twenty-two years, I’ve shied away from connection, preferring to be alone, but now I have Parker and Bay and Penn and all the rest of the Barnetts.

All of them insisted on giving me their phone numbers before they left yesterday, and the girls had added me to a group chat before they even got to the car. Apparently being a twenty-something gay man means I’m allowed to join the ladies for Mexican food and cocktails. Honestly, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about being one of the “girls” but it’s nice that they want to include me.

Once I’m dressed, I leave my bedroom and head into the living room. It takes me a moment to figure out how the gas burners work, but I make myself eggs and bacon and eat it sitting on my new couch. My cell is still charging on the gorgeous side table that matches the coffee table, and when I tap the screen, there’s a notification that I have twenty-eight new messages.

I’ve probably had less than twenty-eight messages total in the last six months, but I still click into my messages to see what they are.

Twenty are from the group chat with the Barnett women, Parker, and three other women whose names I don’t recognize, and the remaining eight are from Anders. Swallowing thickly, I ignore the ones from Anders and instead click into the group chat, scanning the never-ending message stream until I see the latest one that was sent only a few moments ago.

Parker: Hey guys, I need your help.

Immediately typing out a reply I hit send.

Me: Are you okay? Also, we need to talk about how a certain person got my address!

It could only have been Parker or the Barnetts who told Anders I was living here, but as the Barnetts have no idea that Anders and I even know each other, it must have been Parker. I’m not mad. Well, I’m a little mad, but in her defense, she didn’t know that he and I had a short-lived thing, or that it’s over now.

A slew of messages pop up on the group chat with offers of help before a new message from Parker appears again.

Parker: I need help to start thinking like a Barnett.

Parker wants to throw Danny a surprise wedding. I wait for the others to tell her how insane that is, but unexpectedly, all the other women think it’s both hilarious and a brilliant idea.

I learn from the group that more than one Barnett has sprung a last-minute wedding on their significant other, and that Oz, one of the firefighters who works with Anders and Danny, married his wife five days after she came to town, and now, only a few weeks later, she’s already pregnant with his baby.

After spending a lifetime avoiding getting to know people, it’s startling to suddenly be bombarded with a lot of personal information about a lot of people I don’t know that well. But apparently that’s friendship—who knew?

From the constant stream of gossip from the ladies, I learn that Anders, Danny, and the rest of their team are now on shift and based at the fire station located up the mountain for the next four days.

I doubt that Anders will come here again after I rejected him last night. But it’s nice to know that I have at least four days to shore up my resolve and figure out a way to be around him without letting myself be affected by him.

By lunchtime it feels like his unread messages are taunting me from my cell phone, but I refuse to look, not even long enough to delete them. Instead, I throw myself into getting acquainted with my new town.

Even though I’ve been working at the garage for months, I’ve rarely had a chance to explore the town itself. I know where the diner and bus station are, but beyond that, everything else here is new and uncharted territory.

When Tori—who is engaged to Nero, another of Anders’s colleagues—learns that I’ve moved into the apartment above the garage, she insists on dropping in with a housewarming gift. Which is how I end up with another person knocking on my door later that day.

I’m still cautious as I open it, but with Anders miles away up the mountain, it feels safe. Tori is a ball of smiling, infectious energy. When I invite her in, she bounces through the door carrying a basket full of baked goods.

After introducing herself and getting a very quick tour of my new place, she insists on becoming my tour guide, and we spend the rest of the day and well into the evening wandering the quaint streets and window shopping in the touristy shops.

“We’re meeting the others for dinner. Us smoke jumper WAGS tend to hang out when the guys are at work.”

The air in my lungs thickens until I can barely breathe. “I’m not—” I start.

“Knight and I are good friends and neighbors, I saw Anders leaving Knight’s place, he looked a mess. I kind of bullied Knight into telling me what happened. He didn’t give me details, but he said Anders had met someone. Parker mentioned you guys had dinner with Danny and Anders and well…”

“I’ve never met Knight,” I say stupidly.

“I think you’ll like him, he’s intense. So, you and Anders, huh?” she questions.

“No. I barely know him,” I protest weakly.

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