Page 88 of Inferno

Nodding, Buck stared at me, waiting for more, and even though I hadn’t planned to talk to him, the words burst forth, pouring from me. “I met someone.”

“Okay.”

“A man.”

“Okay,” Buck repeated.

I don’t know why I’m surprised by my friend’s non-reaction. Being bi or gay isn’t taboo anymore, but I’ve always felt that twinge of fear whenever I say it aloud, bracing myself for hate and rejection.

“It’s complicated…” I trailed off pathetically.

“This town got to you, didn’t it?” he’d asked with a smirk. “So, this guy, have you told him he’s yours?”

I nod.

“And…” he’d prompted.

“He’s young and…innocent. I have baggage, and I fucked up.”

“You hurt him?”

Sighing, I nodded. “I broke it off.”

“And now you’ve realized you’re an idiot?”

I nodded again. “Pretty much. I had a relationship with a guy a while back. Things were intense, I—” I try to decide how to describe being a dominant without sounding like I’m quoting from an erotic novel. “Like control, and he liked to be…controlled.”

“You had a power exchange situation,” Buck said knowingly…familiarly.

“Yes. It started off at a club, then he moved in with me. He ended things. He said I smothered him. That I was too controlling.” My voice broke. “That I was abusive.”

“Fuck,” Buck said beneath his breath.

“I didn’t know. I went to therapy. I did the work to make sure it’d never happen again. Then I met Henry.”

“You’re worried history is repeating itself,” he’d said, not phrasing it as a question.

“Yes. So, I broke it off with him. I know he’s it for me, but I never want to be that. I never want to do that to him of all people.” I lifted my hand and scrubbed at my face. “I left him. I went home and drank myself into a stupor, then when I couldn’t settle, I went and saw Knight.”

Buck’s lips twitched into a small grin. “And?”

“I told him everything. Then he asked for my ex’s name, and he fucking called him.”

“Who, Henry?” Buck asked.

“No, Gabe, my ex.”

“Fuck. What happened?”

“He spoke to Gabe.”

“And.”

“Gabe said that back then he’d been a mess. Taking too many drugs, partying too much. I must have been blind to it, because I had no idea he was even into drugs. Gabe told Knight that he’d gone out one night, got messed up and cheated on me with multiple people. Then he’d come home and broken up with me. He told me I’d been abusive because he thought if he told me the truth I’d have forgiven him. He knew I’d have stayed with him and wanted to help him, so he said something that he knew would make me walk away. He said he thought I’d know it was all a lie, because I could never be abusive.” My voice was barely a whisper by the time I’d finished talking. My eyes stung with unshed tears and my chest felt tight like there wasn’t enough air in my lungs.

“But you didn’t know?” Buck surmised.

I shook my head. “No. I didn’t know.”

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