Page 56 of Rise of the Morrigan

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The threads thatbound his heart, that kept him from loving me, were continuing to unravel. Aife was out of the picture. Emer would be soon. Only Fand would remain and what were the chances a union between faerie and human would work?

Still, I couldn't take the chance it might. At the proper time, I'd reveal to Fand the truth—that her husband had not dispatched the Fomorians tokillher, he'd sent them to rescue her. That they did not heed his orders was not her husband's fault.

And if that was the case, her marriage was not void by his betrayal. He'd never betrayed her. He loved her even though her heart desired Cú Chulainn. It might not be enough for her to return to him. She and the Faerie King were at odds before I ever got involved.

But Fand was betraying her husband even as I soared overhead. I couldn't watch. The passion Cú Chulainn had for her, it should have been mine. Itwouldbe mine. But I had to stick to my plan. I had to allow everything I'd set into motion to bear the sour fruit it was bound to do when everything came into its season. Still, to see the man whom I loved, his body enthralled by hers... him inside of her and her hands exploring his body...

Was I angry? Yes. But I was only angry atmyself.This was my plan—but what other path was there? So long as his doomed relationship with the faerie did not run its course, so long as he did not thereby betray the woman he'd already vowed to marry, I'd never have my opportunity. This was the only way to free his heart that he might seemeas his true love.

I spread my wings and soared across the countryside. The wind ruffling my feathers wasn't enough to distract me from what was happening... between Cú Chulainn and Fand. But I was willing to break my own heart if that's what it took to satisfy its desire.

Some mortals imagine that the gods don't know pain. They think only humans know what it means to hurt, to ache, to desire... but that's not correct. Never during my human lives—as Babd, Macha, or Anand—had I experienced such a longing, such a desire, such aneedthat yet remained unfulfilled.

As three girls I'd known loss. All three of us lamented our mother's disappearance and, while only as Babd did I really understand what my father had done, all of us hated him for what he'd done to her.

As Babd, I briefly mourned Grainne's departure. But even that was nothing compared to the emptiness I experienced now, as a goddess, whose love remained unrequited.

As gods and goddesses, we were not immune to human sentiments like love, sadness, or pain. Rather, as immortal creatures, our love, our sadness, our pain never died. All our emotions were heightened even as our power was infinitely greater than that of humankind.

If only Cú Chulainn realized the depth of my love, the profundity of everything I felt forhim...

I did not like the things I'd had to do to win his heart. I was like some kind of puppet master, pulling at the strings of human hearts, deceiving people to act as I hoped they would... only to see my plan carried out toward an end that would allow me to be with the one who was meant to be mine.

But who could judge me for it? I was a goddess... Iama goddess and evermore shall be! It was that word,evermore, that haunted me. It was the prospect of an eternity unloved or, worse, at the Dagda's side that drove me to do whatever I had to do to see my heart's desire realized.

Mortals like Aife, Emer, Cú Chulainn, or even Fand—for faeries do not live forever—live one life then are reborn anew, they have another chance to realize whatever of their former lives went unfulfilled. But we who are divine get no second chances. Yes, what I was doing, the manipulations of my hand, were regrettable. But whatever pain I might cause would be temporary. If I did not have my love, the pain I'd know would be eternal.

Not only can gods and goddesses feel pain. They know fear, too... not the fear of death, but the opposite. I was afraid of an infinite existence without my beloved. Whatever I had to do, that's what Iwoulddo. What other choice did I have?

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