Page 21 of The Only Heart that Matters

Sawyer crawls off him, then puts his little face next to Dad’s. “Pop-pop?” He gently pats Dad's cheek with his hand. “Pop-pop?”

“Rawrrrrrr!” Dad roars, coming back to life, surprising him as he rolls to his back. Dad scoops Sawyer up, holding him over his head, eliciting giggles. It’s the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard.

Dad settles Sawyer on his back, lifts his shirt, and blows raspberries onto his tummy.

More giggles only mean more tears for me.

You can’t replace these priceless memories with a video-call. All four of us are going to miss out on so much. Visits a few times a year won’t continue the bond Sawyer already has with them.

“Oh, honey. No,” Mom says, noticing me. She puts her phone away and places a hand on each of my cheeks. “No tears. It’s gonna be okay. We’ve still got Christmas, New Year’s, and the wedding. Let’s enjoy every second and save our sadness for the first.”

Dad joins us, with Sawyer in his arms. “Hey, now. What’s going on over here?”

“I’m just missing you already, but I’m fine.”

The somber look on his face surprises me. Stepping closer, he rests his free hand on my shoulder. The three of us put our heads together, Sawyer still roaring under his breath. It’s adorable, but I don’t have any laughter left to muster. Dad, looking as heartbroken as I feel, has turned our silly moment into a much deeper one.

“I’m so sorry, Mia.”

“Don’t be sorry, Dad. I want you to be happy. We’re gonna be fine.”

Pulling me into a one-armed hug, he chokes on his words. “You’ll always have a room waiting for you. Both of you. If you need anything at all...” His voice trails off and when I pull back to look at him, I’m met with a pair of watery blue eyes that match my own.

“Oh, Dad.” We embrace again.

Mom takes Sawyer, leaving Dad to wrap me up in one of his famous bear hugs. We stay connected, both shedding tears, but neither of us saying a word. I’ve never seen my dad like this. The only time I recall him crying was the day we found out Chris wasn’t coming home. Then, it was still just the one time. Even at the memorial, he remained stoic, acting as the rock Mom so desperately needed.

“Okay, okay,” Mom says gently. “We still have a lot of memories to make in the next week. Starting with Christmas Evewith the McKinnons. C’mon Earl, let’s hit the road or we’ll be late.”

With that, he releases me and leaves without another word.

“Is he okay?” I ask Mom.

“He will be, honey. He will be.”

Chapter Ten

Mia

Christmas Eve with the McKinnons is one of my favorite days of the year. But tonight is different. Seeing Dad so emotional has sort of tipped things on its side for me. I had been so certain this wastheirdream, but now I’m not so sure if maybe it’s Mom’s dream, not Dad’s. All I know is I plan on soaking up every moment I have left with them. Even if I am mentally and physically exhausted.

I miss them already.

There was no hiding my tears from Gus as he drove us to his family’s ranch, but he didn’t say a word. Didn’t try to make it better. He simply slid his hand onto my shoulder, letting me know he was there, while I cried. Without saying a word, he told me it was okay to feel everything I was feeling.

And there was, and still is so much to feel.

To top it off, I have no idea how to feel about moving into Gus’s place.

My sixteen-year-old self would never have believed that one day I would be living in Angus McKinnon’s house. That he decked out my son’s bedroom into a little boy's heaven, and put up a tree and stockings so Santa didn’t forget to show up. That he did all of this, but we’re not together and he’s not the father of my child. We’re just friends. I would have told my thirty-three-year-old self how lame that was.

But also, how very cool.

There’s been a lot of change in a matter of weeks, so it’s nice to have the tradition a night like tonight brings. Although, as much as our traditions stay the same, they are always changing.

My parents have lost a child but gained a grandchild. Charlotte is now a part of the family, but it’s our first Christmas without Aiden, the McKinnon patriarch.

We’re all doing our best to pretend things are normal, but from time-to-time Sharon, Daisy, or one of her brothers have all had moments. We’ve shed tears, but for the most part things have stayed festive. Now we’re all sitting around Sharon’s tree and passing around Secret Santa gifts, just like we do every year.

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