Page 45 of The Only Heart that Matters

We certainly didn't plan what happened between us last night. Sleeping with my sister's best friend was nowhere on my list of groomsman job duties for my brother's wedding. I’d had no agenda other than to bring Mia her coat when I spotted her outside. Yet here we are and I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same as I was before the clock struck midnight.

I refused to go to sleep knowing when I opened my eyes again our night would be over. Instead, I’ve been more than happy to lie here listening to the cadence of her beautiful heartbeat and memorizing the rhythm of the light rise and fall of her chest, etching every detail into my heart.

When I wasn’t buried in her, we laughed over stories from our childhood and the many times we hadalmost moments.Like the time we all accidentally went skinny dipping the summer before I left for the military. Mia and I were on a two-person inner-tube and Cal was driving the boat at full speed. We fell off, hitting the water so hard my shorts and her bikini top flew off.

God, how I hated not being able to see anything in the water that day. If only I had known that sixteen years later, I would have much more than a glimpse of her. That we would make love all night long and she would fall asleep with my arms around her, my head on her stomach.

I’ve screwed my share of women, but I’ve certainly never felt like this after. Because last night wasn’t just some random hook-up.

Last night was Mia.

Last night was more.

More than a man like me deserves.

Mia thinks I’m the same person I was before I enlisted. Everyone does. All anyone sees is the CMH they pinned on me when I came home. I’ll admit, it’s shiny and garners a lot of attention. It also serves as a reminder of the brothers I lost and the innocents... I do my best to keep those memories packed away with that God-awful medal.

When I first got out, I drank way too much. My days had been occupied with building my house and working with my dad and Callen at the family-owned hardware store. At night, I drank. I drank to forget. To drown out the guilt. I drank because I didn’t like the man I had become. But mostly, because Chris hadn’t come home with me. After a year of my downward spiral, my brothers and sister sat me down on our annual birthday trip to relay how concerned they were about me.

It was their version of a gentle intervention. And it hurt to see the worry in their eyes.

They insisted I could tell them anything and they would be there for me, but they didn’t pry. I couldn’t talk to them, but they wanted me to talk to someone.

I will forever be grateful for the way they sat me down and shared their concerns without demanding the reasons I was trying so desperately to escape. How could I ever explain the things I had seen? The things I had inadvertently been a part of? Yes, we’re family, all four born in August two years apart. We share the middle name of Brian, well, Brianna for Daisy. My siblings are the people I love the most in this world. We may share almost everything, but I couldn’t share that.

So, I reached out to a military friend who recommended their doctor. I’ve been going to therapy for the last nine years now. Dr. Laughlin helped me get my shit together. Thanks to my siblings and the doc, I’m a business owner. I only drink socially, and for the most part, I’m a pretty happy person. Unfortunately, the shame that came home with me lingers, but buried as deep as it is, it no longer controls my life.

Still, when I’m around Mia, all those memories and shame seem to work their way out of their tightly sealed box to remind me why we can never have more than this night. The thing is, last night felt different. She shoved my demons aside when she looked all the way to the deepest recess of my soul. Made me believe she saw who I was and still wanted me.

If only that were true.

Because even though there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her, there are still secrets she doesn’t know. Secrets that would push her away forever. Burying them away for the last 24 hours, I’ve let myself luxuriate in her. I can say without a shadow of a doubt this has been the best night of my life.

Being wrapped up in her feels like home.

As content as I am, the sun is up, and our time together is over.

“Mia. Baby,” I say begrudgingly, placing kisses on her stomach. “I have to go.”

Using my mouth to wake her, I leave a trail over her ribs and nibble on each of her nipples on my way to her neck. Her eyes are still closed when she wraps her legs tightly around me, trying to hold me in place as her hands roam over my head.

“Your parents will be here with Sawyer soon. I better get out of here.”

“I was hoping the night would never end.”

“Me too, Goof. Me too.”

Our night may be over, but my cold, dark heart belongs to Mia Powell.

It’s hers.

There is nothing left for anyone else.

“Really? We’re both lying here naked, and my nipple was just in your mouth and you’re gonna call me that?”

I kiss her on the cheek. “One night or a thousand, you’ll always be my goof, Mia.” I nuzzle her neck. “Always.”

“Angus.”

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