Page 109 of The Only Thing That's Real

We’ve kicked everyone out of the room because it was important we get a moment with only the five of us small town boys from Oregon who started this journey in a van a little over twenty years ago. Trevor may not be on stage every night, but he is the fifth member of the band. He’s been there with us the whole time. Playing in empty bars, nasty clubs, and eventually sold-out stadiums around the globe. This is the only life I’ve known and I’m gonna miss traveling the world with the men in this room more than I thought I would.

A weariness settled deep in my chest when I woke thismorning. Not even the warmth of Ryan’s body against mine was enough to balm the loss rapidly approaching. That sadness has co-mingled with the joy of my family being here for my last show, and the pride of what we’ve accomplished as a band. It’s been a heavy day.

“Love you, fuckers,” Matt says before hugging each of us.

After he’s made the rounds and Trevor has handed each of us a shot of tequila, we form a circle like we’ve done before every one of our shows.

Jay is emotional, shaking his head when Sean motions to him to speak.

Holding our shots in front of us Sean says, “It certainly has been a ride. I wouldn’t have wanted to do it with anyone else. Who would have thought we’d leave Goose Hollow in a van only to end things twenty years later here at The Garden? Let’s give it all we’ve fucking got. And in the words of the great Missy Elliott...”

We throw our shots back then yell in unison as we did as teens, “Music make you lose control!”

Trevor triggers his walkie. “Hit play on Missy.” His order given, he heads to the door, holding it open for us. “After you, gentlemen.”

We file out of the room where the film crew is waiting for us. After three weeks of these guys being around, they almost feel like a part of the group. Obviously, I know they’re there, but we’re all pretty relaxed with them. But everything about tonight feels different.

This is it.

The last time we take this walk together.

Documenting this moment in time is a decision we’ll be glad we made another twenty years from now.

The closer we get to the stage, the louder “LoseControl”by the legendary Missy Elliott gets. We’re playing our old-school hype track at full volume in the arena like our personal anthem. Chaotic soundwaves tickle my skin as the five of us fall into a rhythm where every second step hits on the backbeat. Visions of the five of us jumping around like idiots, pumping ourselves up before shows brings a smile to my face. I follow my best friends to where the loves of our lives wait to cheer us on. And this time, I’m including myself as one of the lucky bastards.

If you had told me at the start of this tour, I would end it in love, I would have said you had the wrong guy. But as our surroundings go dark, my world lights up because Ryan comes into view. Somehow, this woman has become my ray of hope. Well, Ryan and the chubby cheeked little boy watching the show with his mama and my brother.

When I suggested Mia and Sawyer come with Angus, Daisy, Owen, and Mom, I didn’t think she would say yes, but I’m damn glad she did. He may never remember seeing me perform, but I will.

Watching him run around the stage with the other kids this afternoon was surreal. When I held him up to the mic his sweet giggle echoed around the arena. He heard his own voice, and the smile that stretched across his face filled a hole in my heart. He is the absolute sweetest kid, and not just because I’m his father. Everyone else sees it too. Mia’s done a wonderful job raising him.

Everyone knew I was eager for my family, including my son, to get here, but my band family could not have made things more comfortable. They may have opinions about how Mia handled things, but they kept those feelings tothemselves and were excited to meet Sawyer. Sean and Marie even got him his very own ear protection. He may only be two, but I could tell he felt cool to have headphones like the other kids. The band reserved two suites just off stage right for our families to watch the show. Ryan will join them, but I needed to see her before I took the final step to the next part of my life.

Ourlife.

She’s waiting in the shadows stage left where her chair usually sits. “Nice song choice.”

“Right?” Pulling her into my arms, I place a soft kiss on her lips. I’m not sure if it’s the tequila or having her in my arms, but I feel settled. Ready.

Resting my forehead against hers, I place her hand over my heart while her other hand cups my face, thumb gently stroking my cheek.

The Missy song ends. The house lights go down. The fans go crazy.

Hollow Knocks! Hollow Knocks!

“I think that’s your cue.”

“I love you, Ryan.”

“Let’s go, McKinnon!!” Matt yells. He bumps my arm as he passes us, his guitar strapped to his chest, then breaks out into an animalistic scream.

“Love you too. Now go sing your ass off for the people!”

I kiss her hard and fast before yelling, ‘Fuck yeah!’as I jog to center stage.

When I take my spot behind the mic, I look toward the suite my family is in. It’s dark, but I see the outline of my brother holding Sawyer. His headphones are on and he’s looking at Megan standing next to him.

The roar of Matt’s guitar vibrates through my body, sending the crowd into a tizzy. We’ve changed the set list for tonight and we’re starting the show with the first single we released as nineteen-year-olds. It wasn’t a chart topper, but it’s what started it all and tonight we’re doing things the way we want to. For us.

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