Page 36 of The Only Thing That's Real

“Yes... that’s my pops,” I confirm slowly, unsure why he’s so angry and confused right now.

“Why didn’t you say anything? This is pretty fucked up, Ryan. You know that, right?”

“What areyoutalking about? Everyone knows. I’ve known half the people on this tour my entire life.”

“Well, you’re a stranger to me,” he spits.

He’s seething and I don’t understand how I’m the bad guy here.

“Knox, I kept nothing from you.Younever asked me where I was from, and I figured you knew. How was I supposed to know you were the only person who didn’t know I’m from Goose Hollow?”

“Fucking journalist.”

Once again, he storms off.

This time I don’t run after him.

Chapter Nineteen

Knox

Ishould have known better than to get comfortable with her.

Should have known there was more to everyone loving her than an earth-shattering smile.

Passing by the room where the band is hanging out before the show starts an hour from now, I decide to keep on walking until I’m in an empty locker room.

When she said she was sorry I didn’t enjoy performing, I wanted to tell her I didn’t deserve to enjoy it anymore. Didn’t deserve the fans’ adoration. They’d cancel me in a heartbeat if the world found out I was a deadbeat dad. I wanted to tell her fucking everything.

And now the person we’ve hired to live with us for two months is not only from our hometown, but she knows Daisy and Mia. Miamusthave had a baby shower. Ryan could havebeen there. Has she met my son? I know she’s lived in New York for years, but she said she and Mia were friends. My mind is all over the place.

Flashes of Angus asking me to hold Sawyer at Cal and Charlotte’s wedding plague me. He was sleeping in my brother’s arms when he handed him to me. I played it up with Angus, holding him out in front of me, like I didn’t want to get toddler germs on me. I’ve thought of that moment over and over. Sawyer was in my arms, and I had no idea he was mine.

I was home for a week and a half and saw him almost every day. I was in the same room as my child and didn’t know it. When it occurs to me I was with him for Christmas, and he was in my brothers lap the entire time the swirling in my gut intensifies. How fucked up is that. I was withmy sonon Christmas and didn’t know it.

I wasn’t given the opportunity to spend real time with him after missing the first two years of his life.

“Fuuuuuck!” I scream into the empty room. The sound of my disappointment, anger, and frustration ricochets off the shower walls.

Disappointment with myself for putting Mia, Angus, and Sawyer in their current situation. Anger at Mia for not telling me she was pregnant. That I was a father. Frustration that I can’t control my emotions around Ryan.

Rationally, I can see that having someone from back home write the end of our story is pretty damn cool. But when she said she not only knew where my cabin was, but she’d been there with my sister. Red clouded my vision and all I could think was how she was here to do a job, and she’d go to any length for her story.

If I hadn’t walked away, I would have exploded. She didn’t deserve that. It wasn’t her fault I’ve stopped my bandmates from talking about her. Or that I didn’t catch all the times they said she was ‘one of us.’ Or that I’m such a dick I never asked her where she was from.

She’s not the problem. The real problem is me. I’m not the man I want to be. I’m certainly not the man I want Sawyer or Ryan to know.

That changes tonight.

Chapter Twenty

Ryan

Idecided to give Knox some space, making myself scarce before the show. Having me around is clearly a pain point for him, and I’m wondering if I should even be here.

Is my presence ruining what should be a momentous experience for him? I know it was their choice to have me on tour, but I don’t want to impact his time with the band or his performance.

I’m sitting in my designated spot while the opening band, Shock Value, plays. My chair is waiting for me on the side of the stage, between the heavy black curtains that hide me from the audience before every show. The road crew packs my chair up after each city and it’s waiting for me by the time soundcheck rolls around in the next. I’m in my chair, earprotection in, laptop ready before the band’s entrance, every show.

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