Page 45 of The Only Thing That's Real

I will never share what I heard with anyone. Never. I would never do that to you, Mia, or Sawyer.

Thank god.

Relief washes through me, my eyes stinging with emotion. My nose starts to run, and I do everything I can to keep the tears at bay. In the last several hours, my emotions have run the fucking gamut. My irrational reaction to Ryan being from my hometown. The irritation of Ari showing upout of the blue, the call with my brother and Mia about my son. The happy tears I shed after Gus sent me those pictures and then the unbelievable anger I felt when I saw Ryan had been listening to every word of my conversation. Then relief when she took the blame.

I don’t have the bandwidth to take in the disappointment I felt when the guys assumedImust have done something toher. I’m maxed out on feelings.

As much as I trust her, she is still a member of the press. She could go back on her word at any time.

I don’t reply to her text. What is there to say? I’m such a piece of shit that Mia was ashamed to tell even my own family I was the father of her child?

Why did it have to be her?

Out of everyone that could have overheard, why did it have to be Ryan?

This is why I wanted her gone the first moment I saw her. I knew I felt too much for her.

Knew she was dangerous.

The door to the bedroom opens and Trevor walks in, closing it behind him. “What the hell happened?”

Trevor must have convinced the guys to leave me alone after our conversation, because none of them have attempted to talk to me. Trev confronted me the second the wheels started moving. I told him about the call Ryan overheard, but he didn’t seem worried at all. He understood my concern, and surprisingly, my reaction. But he wasn’t worried about Ryan breaking my trust.

He thought this time on the bus without the families would be the perfect time to tell the band about Sawyer, but I’m not ready. I’m still taking in the conversation and the photos from Gus. I need to keep it to myself for now. Until I’ve spent time with him. There isn’t much the world doesn’t know about me. I’d like Sawyer to be different.

Lying in the dark, the events of tonight run circles through my mind. A decent father would drop everything to rush to spend time with their child, but if I do that, I screw the best dads I know by ruining the tour and the press that comes along with it. It’s all a part of the gig and I can’t run out on them. This will all be over in a month. I’ll have all the time in the world with Sawyer for the foreseeable future.

Still, I’ve missed too much already and every day away from him feels like a year. The guilt is overwhelming, especially when all I should be thinking about is my son, but freckles and auburn curls keep infiltrating my thoughts.

Ryan Staley, correction... Ryan Jameson has been on my mind more often than not since the day I met her. I don’t know if she deserves to occupy so much of my time, but I’ve yet to figure out how to stop my wayward thoughts about her. I’ve lost all control of my inner musings. It’s a madhouse in this mind of mine.

My phone, that is on do-not-disturb, lights up. It’s 4am and one of the main characters in my madhouse has left me a message. Not a text, but a voice note. My insides shake and my finger hovers over the play button, but I don’t press it.

Why is she sending me a voice note in the middle of the night?

Laying the phone on my chest, I try to calm my racing heart, but simply seeing her name on the screen sends meinto a tailspin. Until her apology text earlier, I’ve always initiated our texts. After what happened tonight, I have no idea what she has to say, and I’m not sure I want to know.

But being the masochist that I am, I can’t resist, so I push play and hold the phone to my ear.

“Hey, it’s Ryan. I knew you wouldn’t answer if I called and you’ll probably delete this without listening to it, but I hope you don’t.”

My insides twist in agony while my traitorous dick thickens at the sound of her quiet, smokey voice.

“I need you to know I didn’t know you were on the bus and as soon as I heard you were on a call I went to leave, but with my broken bunk curtain there was no way I could get off the bus without interrupting you and that conversation was too sensitive, too important to disrupt. I won’t lie and tell you I didn’t listen at first when I heard Mia’s voice. It confused me. She’s my friend. I’ve known her and your sister my entire life. I was caught off guard. When I finally came to my senses, it was too late. There was no way I was getting off that bus without making some kind of noise and my headphones had just died. Knox, I need you to know that I would never, ever tell a soul what I overheard. Never.

But I also want you to know that as much as I love Mia, what she’s done is not okay. She kept your child from you. I understand her reasoning, I do, but Knox, you’ve missed so much, and I want you to know how sorry I am for you. Yes, she thought she was protecting her child, but I would tell her to her face she made the wrong decision. No wonder you’ve been angry at the world. I don’t blame you for having a change of heart about having a journalist chronicling your life right now. I get it. And if you ask me, you have every reason to beuntrusting of strangers who enter your world. You had sex with a hot friend. Things happen. You aren’t a monster who knew he was knocking up the love of his brother’s life. It wasn’t intentional, but it was consensual. You missed his birth and the first two and a half years of his life. It was unfair to you. It was selfish on Mia’s part.

That being said… she’s an exceptional mother. You don’t need to wonder if he’s being taken care of, because he is. I’ve only been around him a few times, but he’s a happy boy. Knox, he is so loved. He’s got Mia, Daisy, Mia’s parents, and now it sounds like Angus. Is the situation with your brother fucked up? Sure. But come on, could Sawyer be any luckier? He has the Powells and the McKinnons to love him and raise him. And now he has you. I’m actually envious of the kid. He hit the family jackpot, if you ask me.

I’ve seen you with the kids on tour. You’re a great uncle and you’re gonna be a brilliant father.

Well, I’ve rambled long enough. I just wanted you to know all that before I leave. Again, I am so incredibly sorry.”

When her message ends, I hit play and listen to it again. For the last two months, I’ve felt like an island. Then Ryan comes along, and she sees me.

She fucking sees me.

I’m at a loss of what to do with the white-water rapids of emotions churning in my chest.

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