Page 10 of Free to Fall

Instead, Nana gave it to me and Cleo ain’t never let that go. Neither did her daughter, Isis. My cousin, same age as me, same blood, but no love between us. She resented me for every warm hug I got from our grandparents, every phone call, every“I’m proud of you.”And Cleo only poured gasoline on that fire every chance she had. I avoided Memphis because of them. Because every visit turned into a war zone I didn’t have the energy to fight.

“You know Cleo’s still mad you didn’t come down for Easter,” Nana said gently. I wanted to tell her I didn’t give a fuck. My Aunt Cleo was always mad about something. She couldn’t even be grateful that instead of coming down for Easter, I had opted to pay for the entire Easter dinner and sponsored an Easter egg hunt at my Uncle who was also her husband’s—Pastor Herbert Jamison’s—church.

Instead, I snorted and said, “Cleo stay mad. That’s her default setting.”

“She just—” she paused, then sighed. “She got pain she never unpacked. And I know she hard on you, baby. But I don’t want you keepin’ distance from me because of her.”

“I’m not,” I lied again. “I just been busy Nana, I promise.”

There was a second of silence before she switched lanes.

“Somethin’ else on your heart,” she said softly. “I can feel it Egypt. What’s goin’ on with you?”

I leaned back on the couch, biting my nail, then exhaled. “You remember Nasseem, right? Creed’s friend from Dallas?”

“Of course. Tall one. Dark, fine. He quiet, but he don’t miss nothin’,” she said knowingly. “He was at Serenity’s wedding.”

I nodded, then remembered she couldn’t see me. “Yeah… well, him and I… we been... involved.” There was silence on the other end. I continued, nervous. “It’s been going on since the wedding. Nobody knows. We been keepin’ it on the low. Just a physical thing…or at least that’s what it was supposed to be.” Still silence from her end. “And now he told Creed about it. Said it was eatin’ at him. And the crazy part is, I been feelin’ the same way. Like…like it’s too much to keep hidin’.” I shook my head. “And I don’t know what the hell to do, Nana.”

My nana let out a soft hum. “Sounds like it’s more than just sex Sweetpea.”

I swallowed. “I don’t know what it is. I mean…he fine, yes. That’s never been the issue. But Nasseem? He gets under myskin, and he always has. From the first time we met when he came to New York with Creed, it was like oil and water. He irritated the hell outta me. Always had somethin’ slick to say, always actin’ like he knew me.”

“But he saw you,” she said. “Even then.”

I paused taking that in…did he see me?

“Now he wants me to start coming over to his place. Not just meeting in secret places. He wants more. And I don’t know if I can give him that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t wanna get hurt. I’ve been there, Nana. I’ve loved the wrong ones before. Gave too much of myself and got damn near broken in return.” My voice cracked. “And I know Nasseem. I’ve seen him. He not good at relationships. He not built for soft, and I don’t think I got it in me to be another name on his list.”

My nana was quiet for a long moment, then said, “You trust him?”

I hesitated. “I don’t know yet.”

“Do you care about him?”

“Honestly? Yes, I do.”

She sighed. “Then you need to figure out what your fear is worth. You runnin’ from something real cause you scared to bleed again—but baby, love gon’ cut you either way. The trick is decidin’ if the person holdin’ the knife is worth the scar.” I closed my eyes my heart feeling heavier than I expected it to. “You gotta do what your heart tells you to do,” she added. “Not what your pride tells you. Not what past hurt whispers in your ear at night. What your heart says.”

I sat in silence, tears prickling behind my lids even though I hadn’t let them fall. “I’m scared, Nana,” I admitted.

“That means it matters,” she said. “But bein’ scared ain’t a reason to run. You ain’t never been a coward, Egypt AlexandriaArmstrong.” I smiled at the sound of my full name in her voice. Only she called me that.

“I love you, Nana.” I whispered.

“I love you more my beautiful girl.”

We stayed on the phone a little while longer, just talking about nothing. She told me the tomato vines in her garden were getting too wild. That she still made sweet tea on Sundays even though it was just her now. She asked if I was eating right, and I lied and said yes. She said she was praying for me, and that one I knew was real.

After we hung up, I just sat there. My heart pounding and my mind reeling. Because the truth was, my heart had been screaming what it wanted for weeks. But I was still afraid that letting it win meant handing it over to a man I wasn’t sure would protect it. And that scared me more than anything.

4

NASSEEM

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