Page 111 of Unbearable

Red lurks near the fence, a foot away, because I think we all knew this was coming. Everybody watches, waiting to see what Rawley’s going to do next.

He throws his arms up again, and screams, “None of you know a goddamn thing! None of you know what my days are like or what I’m going through!” he cries, choking on his words. “Every day I’m judged on everything, but no one takes the time to help me. They just tell me what I’m doing wrong. All I’ve ever been is the youngest Walker boy, the fuck up. You know what, fuck you for thinking you know a goddamn thing, and ignoring it.” Taking the cooler of drinks next to him, he picks it up and throws it across the yard, luckily missing everyone in the way. “Fuck all of you!” he screams at the top of his lungs, his voice breaking and body shaking. He’s crying now, it’s obvious, but I can’t tell if it’s from anger or sadness. Maybe both.

Mom nudges Red’s shoulder, tears flowing endlessly. “Red, do something.”

He looks back at Mom with disbelief. “What the hell am I supposed to do?”

Seeing him come apart like this, I feel like I should know how to reach out to him, but there’s no stopping him. The moment comes when he finally notices Nova, crying against Lenny’s chest as she ushers her inside the house. She heard what he was saying.

He snorts, his head dropping between his shoulders, shaking remorsefully. “Most of all,fuck me.” He knows whathedid. He knows Nova witnessed him at his worst and it’s something he can never take back.

As he’s walking away, Sophie grabs his hand. “Rawley, please don’t do this,” she begs. He lets her hold his hand for a second, his chin trembles and he swallows. Their heartache can be seen between them. If they could change this, they would but neither can.

Slowly, he lets go of her hand, shoulders shaking, head bent forward, his breathing uneven and broken. “Sophie, this is what I do. I fuck up and I leave.” He wipes his eyes with the bend of his elbow. “You should know this by now.”

Pushing past her, his shoulder bumps into hers as he storms out the back gate to where I assume he’s parked. Beck follows.

I want to go after him, maybe talk some sense into him but Tyler grabs my hand. “Raven… don’t.” I’m torn when Tyler pulls me in. On one hand, I want to check on Rawley. On the other, I know what Tyler’s about to say.

Tyler’s eyes fall to mine, to my lips, then back to my eyes. “You need to take your own advice here. All your life you’ve taken on his mistakes for him. You need to let him handle this one on his own.”

As hard as that is to hear, he’s absolutely right. I can’t fix Rawley. He’s going to do, and be, who he wants. He’ll call Sophie tomorrow. I know he will. He’ll promise and swear and warn, but in the end, it’s up to her to stop what’s happening and put an end to it. It’s up to him to change.

TYLER AND I go back to his place after the barbeque and it’s nearing three in the morning but neither of us can sleep. Once in his room, we lie staring at one another, the lingering smells of campfire and fireworks on our skin.

“Do you really think Rawley was the one who slept with Berkley?” I don’t know why I ask him, but I want to know if that’s what he thinks. The Rawley I know, my sweet vulnerable but brooding brother, would never do that.

“No,” he admits. “I doubt it was him. Rawley may be going through some shit, but he’s not immoral when it comes to family. I may not like the way he’s acting, but six months ago, he could have said the same about me, and he wouldn’t have been wrong.”

“True.”

On his back now, he stares at the ceiling. “I know you said you won’t be staying in Eugene this year but….” I smile when he pauses because I know what he’s going to ask. I told him that when I came home for the summer in May. It’s only an hour drive and not unmanageable so I’ve decided to live at home this year and save some money on housing. “Will you move in with me?” He turns his head to me when the last word is spoken, waiting on my answer.

At first, I’m stunned by his question, but then again, maybe I’m not. The time we’ve spent together since his accident has truly given us the strong foundation we so desperately needed and it’s also brought us together as one.

“Does D want V living with you permanently? Once you ask her to move in….” I let out a slow whistled breath. Moving my leg, I slide it up over his. “She’s here for good.”

“It’s want I want more than anything.” His left hand grasps my thigh as he rolls to face me. “I want to wake up every morning so D can be with V.”

“This conversation is getting weird.” I sit up in the bed wanting to make sure he’s being serious. “Do you really want me to move in with you, Tyler?”

He doesn’t move from his place, his hands moving behind his head as if he’s completely relaxed. “You practically live here already. It’d make sense.”

My stare goes to his tattoos, his chest, and then his eyes. He’s right, it would. But I can’t just move in because it makes sense. I want to move in because he sees our relationship is heading in the right direction and feels we’re ready for the next step.

“Are you sure we’re ready for this? It’s a big step. Are you scared?”

His face grows serious. “I’m scared of not being enough for someone like you.”

I’m not sure where he’s going with this. “Like me?”

“You’re just… you’re you, if that makes sense. You’re strong and independent. You don’t need a man in your life to be okay. That makes me have to be so much more to keep you.” His eyes dance around my face gauging my reaction.

I don’t say anything because a year ago I wouldn’t have been able to agree with him. But in the time we’ve been slowly working on building our relationship, I’ve also been spending time strengthening my self-worth. Never again will I allow Tyler or anyone else to make me feel less than who I am. And never again will I allow myself to accept less than I deserve. So yeah, I know I don’t need him, but I want him and that’s all that matters to me. And I know he wants me too, but I can also tell he senses my apprehensions in all this. I want this to be what he wants verses what we should or need to do.

“Raven.” He sighs as his fingertips gently touch my cheek to make me look at him. He doesn’t say anything at first, blinking slowly, those thick dark lashes that seem like curtains to the beautiful depth his eyes hold. “You and I both know I wouldn’t take something like this lightly. You know what I’ve been through and you know what I’m afraid of. I’m asking you because I see myself spending the rest of my life with you, and I want you here with me.”

“I’ll move in,” I tell him immediately, afraid if I don’t, I’ll burst into tears before I get the words out.

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