Page 16 of Unbearable

“I donothave a perfect life,” Lenny reminds me, and I know that. She doesn’t. No one does. “I know Holden is an asshole and cheated on you Valentine’s Day and you agreed to this fuck-your-friend arrangement, but let’s be real, youknewgoing into it there was a good chance things would go bad, right?”

“First of all, thank you very much for reminding me it was Valentine’s Day. I wish that day would burn in hell. I don’t ever want to see another Valentine’s Day ever again! And second, I think it’s obvious I didn’t think this whole thing through or I wouldn’t have done it. No. Never mind, Itotallywould have done it. The sex is amazing.” I look down at my hands on the table. “The truth is I took a risk and I lost.”

My chest burns at the memory. It’s like any break when you’re reminded of why it’s there. Like a glass that breaks on your kitchen floor, and for weeks afterward you keep finding little shards of it that cut the shit out of your feet. Not just any cut either, the kind of cut that burns. Like a sharp clean line.

Being cheated on is the same deal. My mind drifts back to Holden and why it hurts. The gut ache and confusion that somehow it was my fault. That I drove him away with my social awkwardness and overbearing demeanor. I mean, is it wrong to be so obsessive all the time? I didn’t think so but then again, it’s not like I have much of a choice. It’s who I am, who I’ve always been.

I’m a planner. I just feel safer when I know what’s going to happen and when it’s going to happen. For example, when I was three, I told my mother I would be married when I turned twenty-five and I’ve stuck to that plan until now. I’m not exactly on the right path to that particular goal, now, am I?

The correct answer is no.

And if I think about Tyler and how wrong it went.

Why couldn’t it have been just sex for the both of us?

Because I’m a stupid girl with emotions and the ability to try and see something where there’s nothing.

Stupid fucking girl.

If you think my having to have a plan at all times is bad, then the question of whether I’m too controlling is a disaster. If I’m being honest, in some ways I can be. Did I see the signs early on? Yep.

When I was in kindergarten, I used to get pissed when the teacher would be even a minute late or if we wouldn’t go outside at the exact moment we were supposed to for recess. I like people to be precise and detail oriented. What’s wrong with that?

When I’m at a doctor’s appointment, if the doctor is late coming into the room, I’m not pleased and insist he tells me why I wasn’t worth being on time for.

If my desk at work is a mess, I freak out. Obsessive-compulsive disorder?

That’s an understatement.

By some standards, I should be on medication. Okay, maybe most standards but hey. I’m not as bad as I used to be. Sadly, I haven’t improved enough to, let’s say, keep a relaxed attitude and let a relationship run its course.Clearly.

Sometimes I think I’m having a midlife crisis at twenty.

I’ve taken about four shots, maybe more when Lenny looks over at me, waiting for me to say more. “It doesn’t matter anyway. As far as he’s concerned, nothing has changed. I just need to figure out what I want.”

“And that is?”

I groan.

“Raven, do you think you could continue with the fuck-your-friend agreement without falling deeper?”

“That’s the million dollar question now, isn’t it?”

Truth is, I don’t know if I can. My heart is already invested and I don’t know if I can just turn it off.

I DECIDE TO stay here tonight, get up early and leave for my morning class. Lenny and I are on the couch watching a movie around midnight and I hear a rumble. My stomach drops when I realize it’s Red’s car pulling into the carport. “Shit!”

When his car door shuts, Lenny and I scramble to hide the bottle of tequila. I’m not sure why because it’s not like it matters we’re drinking on a Sunday night.

Lenny flips the blanket over her face. “Shhh. I want to hear this.” And then she darts behind the couch out of sight.

I’m not sure why she’s hiding because it’s not like Red wouldn’t talk to me in front of her. I can only assume she’s hiding because she’s drunk.

Red comes through the door a moment later, his keys dropping to the floor as he kicks the door shut with his foot and turns the alarm off.

I count the footsteps until he’s standing before me in the living room. His hands are on his hips and he’s watching me with the protective hardened brother look he’s had a time or two. He’s certainly perfected it over the years and it’s kinda scary. “He was fucking you behind my back.Friendsdon’t do that.”

“Lighten up.” I groan, resting my head against the back of the couch. And then I remember Red and Tyler have been best friends since they were kids. Surely Tyler might confide in him, right? I sit up and stare at him. “Were you with him? Did he say anything?”

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