Page 74 of Unbearable

As she opens her present, some kind of My Little Pony set she’d been dying to have, she jumps off and plops down on the floor to play, leaving just Tyler and me sitting on the couch with no Nova to run interference.

We sit in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, my skin clammy and armpits prickling before Lenny gets up and asks Tyler if he wants a piece of pie.

“Sure. Thanks. That would be great.” As Lenny hands him the pie, I take a minute to glance at him and note again that he looks completely off. It breaks my heart a little more knowing that I’m part of the reason for his appearance. Causing Tyler any kind of unhappiness was never part of the plan as I’m sure now, he never intended to hurt me.

While I’m yet again taking stock of his appearance, Nova moves to stand in front of him, putting her hands on her hips and giving him her serious face.

“You look bad.”My thoughts exactly, kid.“Why do you look sick?”

Chuckling, Tyler takes a minute to swallow his bite of pie and gives her a soft smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes and then glances my way. “Yeah, well, I haven’t been sleeping too well.”

She’s completely straight-faced when she says, “Oh, well then you should get laid. Works for Daddy when he’s tired.”

Tyler starts to choke on the piece of pie he just put in his mouth, while I can’t help but start laughing. I should point out that a few months’ back Nova asked my brother what getting laid meant and he told her it was going to sleep. He’d panicked. I don’t think Tyler knows this so it’s understandable why he’s currently gasping for breath and choking on apple pie.

Once he gets his breathing under control, he turns to me again and looks me dead in the eyes. “Yeah, that’s good advice.”

After Nova’s excitement wears off and she grows bored with playing ponies, we decide to take another stab at watchingChristmas Vacation.

Thirty minutes into it, I’m still sitting next to Tyler, who has Nova on his lap, her head on his shoulder fast asleep. Suddenly I get the sensation of fingers lightly touching mine and then a hand wraps around, grasping my hand. I don’t have to look down to know it’s Tyler, but I also can’t help my reaction of pulling my hand from under his. His touch is dangerous territory and for my own sanity, I move to get up and find somewhere else to sit, but Tyler again reaches for me. This time he places his hand on my arm.

“Don’t get up, please,” he whispers. “I’m sorry. Just sit here. For one day can we forget everything else and just sit here?”

I give him a small nod and settle back onto the couch. He doesn’t attempt to hold my hand again and I can’t help but get mad at myself because a big part of me was hoping he would.

I can’t help but wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I know what the right thing to do is, but as I sit here, all I can think is am I making the right decision? Am I making a mistake by refusing to give him more? What I’ve wanted all along was for him to want more with me and now that he does, I’m pushing him away. Am I an idiot?

No. No, I need to remember why I’m pushing him away. For months, I gave myself to him. Allowed him to have me at his convenience even though he knew I wanted more. Time and time again he refused to allow his feelings to grow and now, now, he decides he misses me and wants more and I’m just supposed to jump into his arms? Not this time.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of this heart ache with Holden and Tyler, it’s if I don’t start demanding better for myself no one else is going to give it to me.

I’m not going to allow myself to be sucked back into the same game just because he changed his mind. What happens when he gets what he wants and decides he made a mistake?

Once the movie ends, Red offers to take Nova from Tyler but Tyler insists he wants to tuck her into bed.

Watching Tyler walk away cradling Nova to his chest, I can’t help the sigh that leaves my chest. Lenny walks over and nudges my shoulder with her own.

“Hey, you okay?” I can tell she recognizes the war going on with me. Truth is, it wasn’t too long ago that Lenny was waging her own war against her head and her heart. Luckily for all of us, the heart won out and now I had a best friend and hopefully someday a sister for life.

“Yeah, it’s just seeing him with her, knowing how loving and gentle he can be just gets to me sometimes.”

“Look, you know I love Tyler.” Lenny leans in, her arm around my shoulder. “He’s my only family, and I would do anything for him, but you need to remember that I love you too and your happiness is just as important to me. If you truly feel that you’re making the right decision, then I’m here to stand by you and help you through it.”

With a gasp, I hug her for the reassurance I’m not alone.

As we move away from our emotional hug, both wiping tears from our eyes, Tyler and Red come back into the room with questioning looks. The poor guys can’t quite figure out what happened in the five minutes between when they left the room and returned.

Red eyes Lenny cautiously. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” She gets up and wraps her arm around his waist. “Raven and I were just having a best friend bonding moment on Christmas. We’re cool.” She moves to take Red’s hand and leads him back into the kitchen, leaving Tyler and I alone in the living room.

Crap. Alone again.

There’s an awkward silence between us and it breaks my heart a little more because this was never us. I want the days when we flirted and he took every chance he could to make me squirm. We never had a moment of discomfort and it’s sad how bad things have become between us when we can’t be in the same room with each other without both being uncomfortable.

I look at Tyler and he seems to be struggling. Like he wants to say something but isn’t really sure how to say it.

“Everything all right?”

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