Page 46 of Bad Husband

“What’s that?”

“It’s a theme, Ridley,” she says like I know nothing about birthday parties. Mostly because I don’t. “I hired this lady named Dee, The Reptile and Rodent Lady.

I snort. “Her name is Dee, The Reptile and Rodent Lady?”

“Yes. She’s really popular with the kids. We’re lucky I was able to book her.”

Lucky huh? I don’t feel so lucky as I stare down at the rat-shaped cookie with cinnamon drops for his eyes and black licorice for the tail.

I don’t like rodents of any kind. When I was about Callan’s age, my mom thought it would be a good idea to get me a pet. Since divorcing my dad and not having a man around most of the time, she wanted to teach me some responsibility. I was all for it because, at seven, everything seems like a good idea.

Well not long after this talk about getting a pet, I come home from school and there’s a small cage sitting on my dresser in my bedroom. Needless to say, I was beyond excited. I had plans for this pet. I didn’t know what it was, but it was going to be awesome.

As I walked up to the cage expecting a lizard or even cooler, a snake, I was hugely disappointed to find nothing in the cage. My mom came out of her room at that moment and had a huge smile on her face. I looked at her like “what the hell are you smiling at?”

“Hey, babe, I didn’t hear you get home. What do you think of your new pet?”

“Um, Mom, there’s nothing in there.”

She stared at the cage, curiously looking around it. “What? Oh no. It must have gotten out. Crap. The pet store clerk said that could happen. Well, we’ll just have to keep our eyes out for it and put it back in the cage. It’ll show up eventually. Everything has to eat sometime, right? We’ll just leave a bowl of food out next to the cage in your room tonight.”

This was my mother’s logic. It’ll show up sometime. And I’m the one who needed to learn responsibility?

“Mom, I don’t even know what I’m keeping an eye out for?” I asked, hoping she’d give me a clue.

“It’s a guinea pig.”

Somewhat disappointed I didn’t get a lizard, I stood there for a second not really knowing what to do next. Did I start to look for it or did I just wait for it to come to me? This was all unchartered territory for me, so I decided that I would keep an eye out but wait and see.

After dinner, Zeke—the name I decided to give my new pet—still hadn’t shown up. When I asked my mom if she thought maybe he got out or what we were gonna do if he didn’t show up, she reassured me it would all work out. After all, it had to be getting hungry so it would probably start looking for food. Satisfied with her answer, I just went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night, I felt a weight on my chest. When I opened my eyes to see what it was, there he was, my new pet, Zeke, staring at me. My mom didn’t tell me Zeke was an albino guinea pig. Have you ever seen an albino guinea pig? They’re pure white with blood-red eyes. BLOOD-RED EYES! Like the fucking devil. Seeing how it was in the middle of the night, and I had just been woken up by the Satan of guinea pigs sitting on my chest, I wasn’t exactly calm in my next move.

Jumping out of bed, I sent it flying through the air, and it landed on the floor. Scared of me I guess, he got up on his back to feet and started making this squealing noise that only scared me more so then I started screaming and ran into my mom’s room while Zeke took off under my bed.

I see no cuteness in a rodent, nor do I understand what would possess a sane person to think any sort of rodent would make a good pet. They’re gross and their eyes glow red in just the right light. As a general assessment, I usually steer clear of anyone with red eyes. Animals included.

“So what exactly does this Dee the Rat Lady do?” I ask, pushing the cookie away from me.

Madison rolls her eyes and continues to put out all the reptile and rodent-themed party shit she must have picked up this week. I look at the wall. Pin the tail on the rat? Seriously?

Fanning out black napkins, she perfects her arrangements on the table. “It’s Dee The Reptile and Rodent Lady,” she says, correcting me. “And she brings over an assortment of snakes and like mice or something. I’m not really sure, but she’s who Callan wanted.”

I’m actually surprised by this based on our conversations about Ukraine lately. I thought for sure he’d want a party based on nuclear reactors or some crazy science project.

Madison finishes what she’s doing and looks at me. “He’s really excited you’re here for this.”

I fight the urge to sigh and roll my eyes. “I’ve been at every one of his birthday parties, Madison.”

Her expression is sharp and accessing. “Have you? Have you actually beenhereor standing next to your buddies drinking beer while the kids play and I cook and take care of everything?”

Did she slap me in the face because it certainly feels that way?

My gaze moves to Callan outside with his friends, and I realize she’s right.

DEE IS EXACTLY what you would expect a woman who makes a living playing with snakes and rodents to look and act. She’s dressed straight out ofCrocodile Dundeemovies, complete with the khaki shorts, matching shirt, and knee-high socks paired with boots and a desert hat. You know the kind that has flaps that cover your neck, so you don’t get burned as you cross the vast plains of Phoenix? Yeah well, she’s wearing that right now, in my house, out of the sun.

She also can’t stop talking about all her adventures trapping rats and mice. Apparently, aside from her lucrative gig as a party host, Dee is a rodent trapper. “If you think you have a rodent problem, don’t wait and see, just call Dee.”

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