Page 57 of Bad Husband

She immediately let’s go of Callan’s hand and slaps her hand across my mouth. “Don’t you dare say that in front of him.” She gives a nod to Noah. “Last time you said asshole in front of him, he went around saying it for two weeks toeveryonewe saw. Including my mother.”

“Yeah, well, there’s certainly some truth there.” I laugh.

Do you see I’m the only one laughing at that remark? Even Callan’s staring at me with a confused expression.

I almost forgot about Noah saying asshole for two weeks. It was as if he was that cat from Talking Tom and only knew one word. We’d ask him what he wanted for breakfast in the morning, and he’d scream, “Asshole,” like he was so proud of himself.

Right then Noah remembers his favorite word and laughs, his head on my shoulder and screams. “Asshole!” in my ear.

Have you ever had your toddler yell in your ear? It fucking hurts. I think he ruptured my eardrum. Again.

Anyway, Noah screaming isn’t the worst part. The real cake topper here is all the parents shuffling their kids through the parking lot staring at us.

“Great,” Madison mumbles, walking faster to the car.

Callan shakes his head. “We can’t take him anywhere.”

I’m assuming he’s talking about Noah, but there’s a strong possibility he’s throwing me in the mix too.

I LEAVE MY truck at the fields and ride over with Madison to the restaurant. As we pull up to the restaurant, I notice it’s the same one as what’s on the back of Callan’s jersey. “Does this pizza place sponsor Callan’s team?”

Madison reaches for her purse on the floor of the car. “Yeah, actually Kip owns it.”

Oh well, isn’t that convenient?

I make a mental note to start sponsoring all of Callan’s extracurricular activities from now on. Two can play at that game.

Getting Noah out of his car seat is about as much fun as getting him in. I wish he’d make up his damn mind. He fights when you put him in, so much so that I’ve had to actually sit on him while Madison locks his belt, but then when you go to take him out, he tries to bite you when you go to unbuckle the damn belt. I swear this kid has to have more than one voice talking in his head.

“Can I get you out?” I ask, slowly reaching for buckle between his legs. “We’re gonna eat lunch. You like pizza right?

Noah nods, but there’s a look in his eye as I reach for his shoulder straps that tells me the little shit isn’t going to let me off all that easy.

With my right hand, I move toward him, and he immediately tries to bite me.

“Dude! Seriously? What is your problem today?” I ask, expecting an answer.

I stand there waiting for an answer like it’s really going to make any sense. All I’m given is, “Grr! I’m Wolverine!”

Oh Jesus, not this again.

“All right, buddy, you’re Wolverine but let me give you a little hint, Wolverine doesn’t bite people he has claws in his hands, and he stabs them.”

Noah’s eyes grow wide like I just shared with him the most amazing fact known to man.

“Ridley!” Madison scolds me from behind, slapping my back. “What the hell? Do you really think it’s a good idea to tell him it’s not okay to bite but stabbing is just fine?”

My first instinct is to defend myself. I want to tell her if she thinks it was such a bad idea then why doesn’t she come over here and try to get Cujo out of his damn car seat. But when I give it a minute and look back down at Noah who’s staring at his hands like he’s contemplating how to attach knives to them, I can see her point.

I take a stance of authority. You know the one where you stand tall and cross your arms over your chest like that’s going to make any toddler listen to you more attentively. “Listen, bud, bottom line, we don’t bite and we don’t stab or run over them with our big wheels.” I had to throw that one in there. “And while we’re at it, we don’t hit Daddy’s bad hand.”

For a second I think I’ve got him but then my moment of triumph is smashed by his loud giggles. “Daddy funny!”

Callan crawls over to Noah and unlatches the belt while I have his attention. I throw him an appreciative grin. “Thanks, big man.”

The smile that crosses his face makes my heart burst.

“No problem, Dad. We make a good team.”

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