Page 6 of Bad Husband

Wasn’t she happy? I always thought she was. Or had I been so focused on my business I didn’t realize we were slipping away?

I mean, isn’t that what every country song’s about? Wife leaves him, then the dog? We don’t have a dog so at least I have that going for me. We do however have kids, and if she takes them from me too, she might as well rip my fucking heart out and toss it to the wolves.

IT’S SURPRISING THE shit you can learn from Google when doing some research.

Did you know women file for divorce twice as often as men do? Don’t believe me? Google it. First thing that pops up.

Want to know the number one reason as to why they ask for a divorce… per Google?

#1 Infidelity.

I’ve never cheated on her. Ever. Wouldn’t even think about it. Look at her. That’s like marrying Jennifer Aniston and cheating on her. Brad Pitt, you’re a dumbass. I’m sorry, loved you inOcean’s Eleven, but you’re pretty fucking dumb.

Next one?

#2 Incompatible.

Okay, well, that’s just bullshit. We’re compatible. Remember the shower?

#3 Drinking/Drug Use.

Um, can we pass over the drinking? I don’t do drugs but is it wrong to drink a six-pack in one night three days a week? Maybe don’t answer that just yet. Let’s move on.

#4 Grew Apart.

I wouldn’t think we’ve grown apart, have we?Again, remember the shower?

#5 Personality problems.

That could be debatable on my part. Around the third day of every month, she turns into a completely different person and as we call it, “shark week” takes over.

#6 Lack of communication.

Do we have to talk so much? Why can’t I come home from work and just sit and watch TV? I mean, I’m not rude or ignoring her. If she asks a question, most of the time I answer it the first time. Or maybe the second? Surely not the third.

#7 Physical or mental abuse.

I’ve never in my life laid a hand on her. Let’s clarify here, in anger. Because sex doesn’t count on that one, right?

#8 Loss of love.

Had she fallen out of love with me? How could that be possible? Here again, I hate to keep bringing this up but she fucked me in the shower this morning.

#9 Not meeting family obligations.

I admit, I could improve my score on this one. I work a lot.

#10 Last one? Employment problems.

I run my own business and I’m the most sought after custom home builder in Maricopa County. It’s a business that gives her freedom. One where she only works because she’s bored during the day. Pretty sure my income isn’t the problem here.

You see that guy? The one with his head in his hands contemplating his next move?

He’s in hell. I’m sure of it.

My phone beeps beside me. I scramble for it, pushing aside plans and paperwork only to see it’s a text message from Brantley.

Brantley: Everything ok?

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