Page 35 of Unbound

I’ve seen heartache. I’vecreatedheartache. I know abandonment. I know pain, love, regret, frustration, tragedy, been so drunk I can’t function, and I know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night to a screaming baby and have him smile when he sees me. I’ve been in love and I’ve seen love destroyed right before my eyes. But… there’s never a moment more consuming than when I look at bloodshot eyes and see the broken way he holds my stare.

Moments I’ve had with Lyric, ones I’ve cherished like that first smile, the first wave and the feeling of him sleeping on my shoulder, refusing to let me go. Rawley has no memories of that because I didn’t give them to him.

“Lenny’s bringing Nova and Chevy over this morning. Do you want me to watch Lyric for you too?”

I nod. “That’d be great. Last time I took him into the dress shop, he drooled over everything.” We both laugh, watching him shove banana in his mouth. And then I remember I wanted to go for a run this morning. It took me months to get back to my old size since having Lyric, but now I need some toning. “Can you watch him for about an hour this morning too so I can go for a quick run?”

Mia’s eyes remain on Lyric, her voice high-pitched. “Of course I can. You want to spend some time with Grammy, don’t ya?” she asks him, pinching his banana and avocado crusted cheeks.

Lyric hits his hands to the tray, squealing with delight. He loves it when you talk to him. Doesn’t matter what you’re saying, he just likes people talking to him.

Mia straightens her posture and winks at me. “Why don’t you go now? I got this. That way you’ll have enough time to shower too before Raven and Lenny get here.”

“Are you sure? I don’t—”

“I’m sure,” she says before I can finish. “You don’t realize how much I love this. When Rawley and Raven were little, I was with them all day long, every day, and I absolutely loved it. Everyone thought I was crazy, but I wouldn’t have traded a single day of it for anything else.”

It’s times like this I’m thankful for Mia because despite having a mother, I never felt as though I had one growing up. I had a friend. My mom talked to me like I was her best friend but never her daughter. Sometimes it’s nice to know no matter what, there’s a parent there looking out for your best interest and trying to make your life easier, not harder. There’s a good part of me that always felt like the parent with my mother. I was constantly saying things like, “Do we have enough money for rent this month?” or “Did you pay the power bill?”

Things a fourteen-year-old should never have to worry about, I did.

In a lot of ways, it made me more independent but in others, I think it led to the decisions I made in Mexico. The only truth I know is everything comes back to that night and how I ended us.

After throwing on a pair of sweats and a hoodie, I take to the streets of Lebanon with my running shoes and phone in hand. I listen to Rawley’s music because it’s perfect for exercising, fast beat and heavy. He’s more of a rocker than anything, despite the country roots in this town, and I love it. He was the first person I ever heard sing live. It was prom, sophomore year at a bar we had no business being inside of. Best night of my life.

“Come some place with me,” he whispers, taking my hand. We’re outside a bar in Portland, too young to get in, too wild not to try.

Wanting to be anywhere he is, I take his hand as we enter into a world neither of us understand.

Beck gets us in, and I’m told his uncle has connections with the band playing. I’m standing in the front row, my heart beating a million miles an hour when I see Rawley take the stage with the band, laughing, smiling with those bright brown eyes holding me captive.

I know Rawley can sing but until now, I had no idea what it was like to hear him live, let alone at a bar. As he takes the stage, holding hundreds’ attention, it’s clear he knows exactly who he wants to be, even at sixteen. No one even knows who this kid is, but he does. I do.

He’s Rawley Walker, my boyfriend, the only boy I will ever love. I’m sure of it. The excitement of being here and the way his voice moves through me, the high it leaves me with is more than I can handle. It’s as if my heart wants to burst with love.

I won’t ever forget his voice, and I don’t, even hours later when he’s hovering over me, his truck parked in the gravel parking lot behind the football stadium.

His skin is so warm, his weight pressing into mine and I know in this moment, I want him, all the way. My head’s buried against his neck, his eager hips rocking into mine as he sings words I’ve never heard. Maybe he’s making it up as he goes.

So many times I’ve imagined this, and though I never thought it’d be in his truck, I don’t care as long as it’s with him. “Please,” I whisper, my hands moving to his shoulders.

“Are you sure?” he asks, barely able to get the words out.

“Yes,” I moan between heavy wet kisses, our mouths refusing to part now.

I don’t remember him pulling away, but he must at some point because the next memory is burning pain as he enters me. I try not to think about anything other than I’m giving him a piece of myself I’ve never given anyone else and this is special.

I don’t know why, maybe from the memory, but without thinking, I run to the high school football field of all places, three miles from the house.

I see the bike parked in the parking lot and then I spot him in the bleachers.

Shit. Do I go up to him or pretend I didn’t see him?

But there’s a bigger part of me that wants to talk to him, alone. I don’t know how long he’s really in town for and I want to talk to him.

No, Ineedto regardless if he’s ready or not.

The fall air bites at my heated cheeks as I walk. I tuck my phone in the pocket of my hoodie and run my sweating hands down the front of my sweats. “It’s now or never,” I tell myself.

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