Page 51 of Unbound

“I’m glad you see it that way but from my view, I’m constantly struggling not to drown and make ends meet. I didn’t plan to be a dad at twenty-three no more than you planned to be. It’s not like I didn’t think it would ever happen, I wanted kids, but fuck, I met Nevaeh at a concert, had sex with her in the backseat of my car and a month later she showed up pregnant at the shop. I had nine months to think about it, prepare for it. In that respect I had an advantage, not this, ‘surprise, you have an almost one-year-old son.’”

I nod, but I don’t say anything as I take in what he’s saying.

“I get it, man. It’s not easy, but the moment I knew I was going to be a father, I knew I had to be a man and do what was best for that child.”

He looks at me, probably expecting me to say something, but I’m at a loss. I have no idea what to say to him because in the last few years, this is the most we’ve ever talked.

His gaze falters for the briefest of moments, but it’s enough. I see it. “Rawley….” He shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. It’s not my place.”

Our differences, they’re ivy weaving around our words like poison, polluting our thoughts and leaving behind no reason. Do we even know why we don’t get along anymore or is it just a difference in opinion?

Like shackles attached to my soul, I struggle to get the words out and I want to scream them in his face, ask him why I was never good enough to be his brother or even remotely equal to him, but I don’t. Maybe because I’m here, sitting next to our father’s grave. My voice is like a child’s when I ask, “Why do you hate me?” I hate that I can’t be more stern with the words, more direct like him but the truth is, I really want to fucking know what it is that sets him off about me.

“I don’t hate you. I may not respect you, but I don’t hate you. Quite the opposite actually. You’re my brother and you don’t know how proud I am of you that you did what you set out to do with your music. I even bought your CD the day it came out.”

The emotion, the idea that he wanted to hear my music makes my heart beat heavily, the sound pulsing in my head as I attempt to swallow the lump that rises in my throat. Like it or not, I want Red’s approval.

But I know his reasons are coming. The heavier ones.

“What I don’t like is your careless disregard for those around you. You can be selfish and respect from me is earned.” His hand finds his hair as he shakes his head slowly, eyes on the gravestone in front of us. “I rode you so hard when you worked for me because you never stopped to think about anyone else but yourself. While I could respect your hard work and dedication for your music, you never stopped to think about who you were hurting in the process.”

He’s right. I didn’t. In everything I’ve done in the last three in a half years, I’ve had one person on my mind. Me.

“Why are you home?”

Bringing my hand to my mouth, I nervously chew on my thumb nail. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?”

Red shakes his head. “You treated everyone like shit the night you left and honestly, after that night, I didn’t care if I ever saw you again. That’s how bad it got. So after everything you said to me, and everyone else at that party, why would you want to be here for my wedding?”

I’m at a loss for what to say because he’s absolutely right. I wouldn’t have come back if it hadn’t been for Beck and Linc. I just wouldn’t have. But then again, the text my mom sent me of“If you don’t come home, I swear on your father’s grave I will never talk to you again,”haunts me. I don’t think she was serious but still, I think deep down I knew it was time to show my face.

“Mom wanted me home for it.” There’s more to it. He knows. “And shit happened in Seattle with the boys, and here I am.”

He raises his eyebrows. He respects I’m finally being honest with him. “So what happens when you leave?”

He’s referring to Sophie and Lyric. He doesn’t have to say it.

“I don’t know yet. I’m taking Sophie to dinner on Tuesday. I figured we’d talk then.”

“Don’t break her heart again. She’s been through enough.”

“I know that.”

“Do you? I was there the night Lyric was born. The night she had no one there for her but me. I saw the hurt in her eyes when she so badly wished it was you holding her hand and not me. I’ll kick your ass if you break her heart.”

He’s serious, but I don’t reply to it and ask, “Is moving on hard when you still love her?” I nod to Nevaeh’s grave in the distance, changing the subject. It’s what I’m good at. Getting the conversation off my own shit.

Red holds my stare, and I can tell he knows exactly what I mean. My question has more to do with how do you move on from anything? That much he understands by the cryptic question. Despite getting married, and being in love with Lenny, there’s a part of his heart that will forever be with Nevaeh. He can’t help it. How does he separate the two so he can move forward?

Drawing in a slow breath, his chest expands with the motion, his eyes moving to her grave with a sense of sadness I’ll never understand because I haven’t experienced what he has. “Nevaeh would have wanted this for me, for Nova. She wanted us to be happy and I believe….” He shakes his eyes, his eyes misting with tears. “Iknowshe sent Lenny to us for a reason. We weren’t the only ones in need of a happy ever after. Lenny was too.”

I knew Lenny didn’t come from the best of circumstances and from what I understood, her ex-husband was a real piece of shit. Maybe Nevaeh sent Lenny to Red because of who he is, a man willing to do anything to stand up for what he believes is right.

“There’s nothing wrong with forgiving someone, Rawley. To let go doesn’t mean you’re forgetting to think about it or even ignore it. It won’t take away the anger or the regret. It’s not about your pride and it’s not giving up. It’s about learning from the past and moving on. It’s about growing up and realizing what’s in front of you is important, not what’s behind you.”

Looking at my brother, a sense of calmness takes over. It’s something I’ve only ever felt around my father. It’s like he’s standing right next to us, a place where both his sons are struggling with how to let go of the past to see the future in front of us.

His shoulder bumps mine. “I have a favor to ask of you.”

I turn to look at him but don’t say anything.

“My buddy, Lane, he got called out on deployment and can’t make the wedding.” He swallows, his brow pulling together. “Can you fill in as one of the groomsmen? I don’t want Sophie to have to walk alone at the wedding.”

Though his request certainly takes me by surprise, it’s the way he’s thinking of Sophie that makes me understand how much she means to my family. I also know that after everything we’ve said to one another today, he doesn’t mean it as a backhanded comment that’s supposed to piss me off, even though it does. I can’t even tell you why it makes me angry, just that it does.

My adrenaline spikes, my heart racing at the idea I’ve left her alone so much in her life it’s a standard thing. But I know I can’t this week and the last thing I want is her walking alone at a wedding.

I clear my throat before I say, “If you want me to, I will,” keeping my eyes on the ground because I can’t look at him any longer.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see that he nods, his own stare on the ground now. “I want you to.”

---