Page 165 of Burn

My fire for her will foreverburn.

Shoulder Load

The amount of hose a single firefighter can pull off a hose wagon or pumper truck and carry toward the fire.

17 months later

When I met Caleb, I remember thinking, don’t fall for a guy like him.

Well, hemademe fall for him. Even though he didn’t want me to, his personality, the firefighter who just kept coming back, determined to have me one more time trapped me in the flames until there was no means of escape.

And then he gave me a ring and a baby girl not long after that. She’s the cutest baby in the whole world, Caleb and I voted, and she likes us, believe it or not. Even lets us sleep a few hours a night for our sanity.

In many ways, Caleb still carries a burden on his heavy shoulders when he doesn’t need to. With eyes that hold emotion, he gives me glimpses, and for the most part, I ignore those glimpses because he doesn’t want me asking about what eats at him.

Fire can destroy everything. Love can destroy everything.

There are times when you can’t give in. You can’t give up. Because if you do, what was the fight worth in the beginning?

These things in your life, they happen to you and they change you. They do. Over time, they change you in subtle ways. Maybe it’s a different route to work because of a close call at an intersection. Maybe it’s never eating at your favorite restaurant again because of that rancid meat you had one time.

My point?

All that shit takes a toll on you. Your decisions, your beliefs, all different in some way. You may not see them, but others do. They see it when you tense up at that intersection, gripping the steering wheel a little tighter, slowing down. They show in the way you avoid the meat and order a salad.

If Judah hadn’t cheated on me, I wouldn’t have sat on Caleb’s lap on Christmas. But he did, and I found Caleb.

Because of the way I felt knowing Judah had cheated on me, I would never do that to Caleb. Ever. It changed me and the way I regarded relationships.

Here’s what I learned from that. You can take any situation out there, and find a reason worth saving it. Maybe it’s independence, communication, trust, love . . . all worth giving everything you had to keep it.

In a way, a very sad way, Evan’s death brought us together again and made us appreciate what we had. It made us question a few things. Having doubts didn’t make us feel better or even keep us safe. But it did teach us one thing: cherish what we have while we have it.

Caleb once told me falling in love with me was dirty. It was. We were. But what the fuck is wrong with being dirty?

Nothing is. Nothing at all.

Maybe my reasoning isn’t what most would consider appropriate, but guess what, it’s all fucking mine, so piss off.

Where does that leave us now?

We’re dirty. Where do you think it leaves us?

In the equipment room at the fire station. He could get fired over this, but it still doesn’t stop us.

For a while, I think I was in denial about what was happening between us, and then his brother died, then the fire, everything just sort of happened. Much like life. It never fails when you look back at your life, and you think, shit, when did that happen?

What I do know is anytime you get a taste of something good, why stop? You never know when you’re going to find yourself in a moment you can make last forever. I guess you can say that’s me now. I want to be so far wrapped around Caleb you won’t be able to find where one of us stops and the other begins.

“Where are you?’” he asks, heavy and rocking against me. Adjusting his weight to his right arm, he looks down at me spread out before him on the cot inside the equipment room. Why they have a cot in here isn’t a question I want to know the answer to. I’m sure of it. “I’m dying to be inside you.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” I tell him, smiling, my hand touches the side of his face, my eyes close and then open to see him staring at me, curious brows drawn together, waiting for my answer. My hips shift against his once more, and then I reach for my shirt. “You’re not going to die without being inside of me.”

“It could happen. You never know.” Pushing my hand that’s on his neck to the cot, he breathes through his nose. His body tensing, shaking, the room around us glowing bright florescent lights that do nothing to hide my stretch marks from Emerson. I love my baby, but damn her for giving me those.

“If you could die from not having sex, Jay would be dead,” I whisper, completely naked, skin to skin now, watching his face and feeling the tremble in his hips as he tries not to slide inside of me just yet.

“Good point.” His lips are on mine next, overly excited, begging, loving, pleading, worshiping, everything this brave man gives to me.

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