Page 168 of Burn

Caleb smiles. “Well it’d be like me carrying you on my back then.”

The kids gasp, looking to Caleb like he’s a hero. Especially when he puts the mask on followed by his helmet. I know how the kids feel. First time I saw him in all his turnout gear I nearly fainted.

“I gotta turn on my air and it’s going to make some really weird noises.” He turns it on and when he breaths, a familiar hiss sends a shiver through me. “What you’re hearing is me breathing the air in my tank.”

Caleb winks at me, no doubt the same memories shared between us. Goddamn this firefighter. It’s a good thing I’m holding my baby or I’d have him show me the equipment room again.

Dropping to his knees, he gets on all fours and crawls toward the pre-school class. “When I go into a burning building, I search for people on my hands and knees because the fire is too hot above me.” Stopping in front of Jensen, he grins at him, his voice muffled by the mask when he says, “And when I find them, I pick them up and carry them to safety.

With a squeal of delight from the children, Caleb hauls Jensen over his shoulder and then runs around the fire truck with him. “I found one.”

Laughter and giggles break out over the apparatus bay, including my own. When I first met Caleb, I never thought this man was underneath that intimidating glare he delivered from the corner booth.

I’m glad I took a chance and sat on his lap though.

NEXT TO HEADQUARTERS in the Pioneer District of downtown Seattle is the memorial that honors every life given in this city by a firefighter since 1889.

Four bronze statues take up residence there, honoring four lives lost in a warehouse fire in 1995. It was designed by Hai Ying Wu, and has these words inscribed in the granite slab:This memorial sculpture is dedicated to the Seattle Firefighters who have sacrificed their lives in the line of duty. We honor them for their heroism. Citizens of Seattle. June 6, 1998.

And while it was created for those four firefighters in Chinatown International District, it represents the thirty-one lives lost in this city since 1889 when the department began. Evan included.

To some, it’s just a memorial, but to those who’ve lost a loved one to fighting fire, it’s deeper than that. It lets you know you’re not alone and that others have experienced the same pain you’re going through.

“A firefighter is never hated,” Jacey says, staring at Evan’s engraved name in the memorial. “They’re not like policemen or even people in the military. Everyone is glad to see them, as it means help. Our lives depend on them. They’re like our knights in shining armor.” Her fingers run over the Maltese cross on the shoulder of one of the bronze statues. “He was my knight.”

Owen hears what she said and snorts. “Not true. Last week some old lady slapped me across the face for losing her dentures when I was carrying her out of a burning building.”

Caleb chuckles beside him. “How’d she lose her dentures? I saw that women. She didn’t have her teeth in when you got to her.”

Contemplatively, Owen scratches the side of his head. “No fuckin’ clue. But it wasapparentlymy fault.”

We all laugh but there’s a sense of void in the air. Someone’s missing. Though Evan’s been gone almost two years now, losing him won’t get easier on Jacey or for anyone with a loved one’s name engraved in this granite stone.

As I look at the names, tears start to flow.

Jacey sighs. “I miss his eyes. So bright. So in love with me though he rarely said it.” And then she looks at Easton, barely walking, stumbling around as he clings to the bronze status with Owen holding one of his hands. “And every time I’m reminded there’s a little piece of him right here.” She gestures toward Easton. “He’s so much like him it’s ridiculous.”

Beside Owen, I see my husband, his eyes lost in thought.

You’re never going to tell a firefighter his job is dangerous and have him disagree with you. He knows it. He’s a brave man who risks his own life to save those of strangers.

My heart squeezes in my chest when I see our daughter snuggled against her daddy’s chest, fast asleep in strong, sure arms. Arms that have carried hundreds from burning buildings and brought others back to life. Arms that, when wrapped around you, can give you a sense of security only captured with him.

Walking over to Caleb, Jacey leans forward and kisses Emerson, my three-month-old baby girl. A tiny girl, with petite features, olive skin, and thick dark eyelashes. She has my facial features but has those Caleb Ryan eyes that get me every time with their evergreen beauty.

I never thought I’d have a baby with Caleb. I never thought he’d eventually be my husband. But now here I am, with their love filling my heart.

Life is never how we plan for it. Just when we think we’ve got it figured out, it sparks a fire, and it’s up to us to find strength to make our way through the smoke.

Owen grabs our attention, taking pictures of Easton and acting like that kid is his favorite person in the world. And he is. In many ways.

“So . . . Owen?” I ask, ribbing Jacey a little and raising my eyebrows.

She smiles, a little bit annoyed, a little bit embarrassed, and then rolls her eyes. “He’s cool and so supportive. He loves Easton like he’s his own kid, but I don’t know. My heart will always be with Evan.” Her misty eyes meet mine displaying a pain I know is still very real for her. “I don’t know if I can like him like that. He’s nice—a fucking child half the time—but I don’t know if I feel that way for him. I may look strong, but . . .” She breathes out a shaky breath and her pain shows itself in the way her chin quivers. “I willneverget over Evan dying. Ever. He was, and will always be, the only man who has ever held my heart. And it’s with him now.” The diamond ring she wears around her neck catches the sunlight as she reaches with shaky fingers and then places a kiss upon the ring. “I can’t give my heart to another. It wouldn’t be fair to him.”

As sad as her words are, they’re true.

“I can understand that, Jacey.” I wrap my arms around her. “But Evan would have wanted you to be happy and, if that means loving someone else, he would want that for you.”

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