Page 86 of Burn

Anger rises inside me, my face flushing as I rip my arm up and out of his grasp. “I don’t have to tell you shit, Nixon. I’m going home.”

Dejection flickers briefly in his eyes, but he’s quick to blink it away. And he then he glances at the lobby I just emerged from and the street he more than likely saw the fire truck pulling away.

He leans in, close enough I feel his breath on the side of my neck and the wine he’s been consuming all night. “I suppose you’ve had alongnight.”

I pull back and he winks.

I want to slap him across the face as he downs the rest of his wine and tosses the glass in a nearby garbage can. It shatters on impact, echoing through soaring ceilings of the building and I’m left standing there, alone, wondering what the fuck just happened.

Ventilation

Important procedures in firefighting in which the hot smoke and gases are removed from inside a structure, either by natural convection or forced, and either through existing openings or new ones provided by firefighters at appropriate locations, like the roof. Proper ventilation can save lives, and improper ventilation can cause backdraft or other hazards.

Finn stares at me when I’m on the truck. “Dude, are you okay?”

I blow him off. “I’m fine.”

I’mnotfine. Never fuck a girl with all that gear on. I feel like I’m dying of heat stroke.

Tentatively—probably because he knows one wrong move and I’ll knock him out—Finn touches my cheek. “You’re sweating like crazy.”

I slap his hand away with mine. “Don’t touch me.”

Beside me, Owen knocks my knee with his when we’re back on the truck. “You fuckin’ away your demons, boy?”

Who the fuck is he calling boy?

I don’t answer him. I don’t want to. I don’t because he’s absolutely right. It’s what I do. I shouldn’t have just done that with Mila, but goddamn it, I can’t help it when it comes to her, despite the trouble I could have got myself into.

And then I think about Owen’s words. Fuckin’ away your demons. There’s certainly nothing to this; it’s just sex and a means for release.

As long as I was fuckin’ around with Gemma, I never once told her I loved her. Never intended to because I didn’t feel that way about her. And it’s a good thing because look how that turned out.

Whenever that alarm goes off at the station, I’m ready and willing to give my life to save a nameless face. What I can’t give is myself to another, and I don’t even know why, just that I can’t.

Conversation on the truck grabs my attention for a moment. Finn arguing with Evan now.

“Shut up.” Evan shoves him across the seat and into Owen near the window. “I’m going to punch you in the ovary.”

Finn throws his hands up and drops his helmet on the floor of the truck, completely frustrated with something. “I have to do something. Even the girls I bring home my parents don’t approve of.”

“Why’s that, Sparkles?” Owen laughs, joining their conversation. “Did you pay for them?”

“No.” Finn glares at him, aware he called him Sparkles. He hates the nickname Owen gave him over the chick, or shall I say, man from Neighbours. Let the record show she was in fact packing.

Smiling at them, I turn my head toward the window, the lights of the city flying by as we cruise back to the station. I can’t wait to get back. I need a damn shower and out of this turnout gear.

Cap grabs the radio in the front seat. “Truck 10 back in service.”

It’s a fact of life people will lie to themselves to believe what they want. I do it all the time. In fact, I’m pretty good at it. I border on arrogant half the time, but what most don’t see is what keeps me up at night.

And that’swhyI can’t give myself to anyone. I don’t even haveme, if that makes sense?

When you’re a firefighter, there’s no, “Hey man, you did you best.”

Failure in my mind is the end game, that destructive misery I won’t accept, and I fucking guarantee you every firefighter out there has that same unspoken fear. Some just hide it better than others.

Owen gives me a nod, his voice low so the other guys can’t hear him. “Seriously though, you’re sweating like crazy and it’s thirty degrees out. What gives?”

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