Page 102 of Happy Hour

What just happened?

The confusion might have been because I was hyperventilating, and there was a serious lack of oxygen going to my brain once again.

“Are you okay?” he asked sitting up to look at me, his hand reaching out to touch my shoulder.

“I...how,” I drew in a much needed breath fumbling over my words and thoughts. “long have you...um...loved me?”

“A while,” He answered and placed a soft kiss on my shoulder. His fingertips danced lightly across the skin above my collarbone.

“How long?” I snapped.

“My grandpa used to tell me...you don’t give up what you know to get what you don’t know.” Jameson said softly, his eyes dropped to our hands.

Not understanding how that had anything to do with this, I asked again. “How long Jameson?”

“I couldn’t tell you, Sway.” He shook his head his hand fell from my shoulder and rested against the bed. “I’ve tried to look back and pin point a time but I think it just happened, gradually. Way before this started.” He pulled me against his chest. “I think it started when we were kids and just slowly developed over time. I avoided it for the longest time, pretending I didn’t feel that way but it just got to the point I couldn’t ignore it any longer. When I saw you in Charlotte, I knew I couldn’t...I just...had to know. It was hard enough letting you go after Dayton. I had to do something.”

“Jameson—” I lost it.

Falling against the mattress in a heap, I balled like a goddamn baby even as Jameson was frantically trying to comfort me.

“Sway,oh god, I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have said anything. Jesus Christ, I can’t believe I fucked this up.” He chided himself. “I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“What?” I sobbed scrambling to look up at him. “Youshouldn’thave said anything? Christ almighty Jameson, are you blind?” I practically yelled causing his mouth to gap open.

“Huh?” It was his turn to look at me as if he had no idea what I just said.

“Jameson,” I shook my head and sat up to lean against the headboard. “I’m not mad that you love me. I’m mad that we wasted all this time because neither one of us had the brass balls to say it.”

“Did you just say brass balls and love in the same sentence.” He asked with a grin.

I slapped him across the face, not hard. “Pay attention.”

“Sorry, I got distracted by you saying balls.” He admitted with another grin.

“Seriously, you’re like a fucking child.”

He winked. “So you love me too?”

“More than you can ever imagine,” my head slumped at my admission. “It’s the pathetic pretend to like the same flavor of ice cream or music, type of love. Break your heart type love.”

He looked away when I said break your heart. “See, I’m not...” he paused. “we shouldn’t be together, Sway.”

“Why?”

“Because,” he half shouted in a strangled voice. “You need someone who will be there for you. Someone who can drop everything and run to you when you really need them...and you’regonnaneed him.” He intoned and by the look on his face, I had a feeling he meant something by that but he continued. “You need someone who can lay in bed with you on Sunday mornings. You deserve someone who can call in sick to work, only to stay in bed with you all day. Ican’tbe that guy. As much as I want to be and as much love you, I’mnevergonna be that guy for you. I just...can’t be.”

“So this was really only about sex then.” I deduced with a nod. “You knew nothing was going to change your feelings for me, that you weren’t going to give us arealchance?”

“Well it sounds worse than it really is when you say it like that,” He replied, his voice hard, “But...yes. I know I can’t offer you anymore than what we have right now.”

Sometimes, honesty just isn’t the best policy. He could have lied right then and I would have been okay with that.

“You know...don’t worry about it...let’s just enjoy our last few days of the dream.” I told him with a pathetic excuse for a smile staring off towards the candles on the dresser.

He wasn’t buying it but eventually, he gave up trying and left me alone. It wasn’t that he didn’t try to get me to talk to him, but what would I say? He basically just told me it wasn’t an option.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I felt like he used me for his own pleasure. Yeah, he supposedly loved me too but he knew damn well he wasn’t going to offer me anything more than a friendship with him. I’d never be girlfriend status—I’d never be wife status. I’d always be this pit lizard withhisdetermined benefits.

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