Page 12 of Black Flag

What shut Jameson upcompletely that afternoon was when they replayed the accident and he watched itfor the first time.

He was quiet for a goodhour and I think the only reason he spoke after that was because I threw upbeside his bed after watching it.

It was sickening tosee. The video footage they had didn’t show Darrin coming but instead showedJameson doing his burnout with his arm out the window, and then you saw aglimpse of Darrin’s car in the smoke...thenthis horrible metal-to-metal thunderous noise.

When the smoke cleared,Jameson’s car rested demolished against the outside wall, the camera focusingon his body slumped over his steering wheel.

It was one of thosehorrific accidents you see in movies where you can’t believe they walked awayfrom it; gut wrenching is what it was.

Jameson never did makeany remarks about the accident. And knowing this boy my entire life, hewouldn’t.

By Monday morning, Emmawas prohibited from his room after she brought in a fluffy stuffed cougar thatwas practically the size of Jameson.

His response, aftermaking me set the cougar outside his door, “You have to be shitting me?”

Nancy was dangerouslyclose to being banned as well when she brought meBurger King.

Jameson had to sit andwatch as I wolfed down twoWhoppersand a milk shake.

He was not so amiableafter that since his doctor said he wasn’t allowed any greasy food while he wasin the hospital. He actually contemplated kicking me out but I suborned himwith another sponge bath—worked like a charm.

The week in thehospital flew by.

Jameson was...driven. Pushing himself right to theedge and balancing precariously along it, determined to recover in time forBristol. But the thing was, that’s what Jameson was good at, balancing on theedge of control, determination, anything really.

He wasn’t able to domuch at first but as the days passed, he grew more confident and it was evidentthat his body was responding. He had been in excellent physical conditionbefore the crash, his body honed to a point most people never saw in theirlifetime, and that made it possible for him to recover at a phenomenal rate.

I knew that soon he’dbe getting back behind the wheel of a race car. I was happy for him but theother part of me...the part that wantedthe father of our child around for his or her birth, was scared shitless tohave him behind the wheel again.

I don’t think anyonecan ever understand the feeling you get when you watch someone you love almostdie, right before your eyes. It’s indescribable and something I never want toexperience again but I know itwillhappen.

Besides last Sunday,the worst crash I ever saw him get into was one at Indy when he flipped a USACmidget seven times and landed on the guardrail. He walked away from that oneand even laughed about it when he saw the video. He was the only one laughing.

With all of this, Icame to the conclusion that none of it was in my control. I could hover overhim like his mother to the point of driving him insane...orI could support him and let him knowevery day how much I loved him.

Though I knew he wasrisking his life every time he got inside that car, it was something he lovedto do and was passionate about.

How could I ever askhim to give that up just becauseIdidn’t want to lose him?

To me that was the mostselfish thing I could do.

So instead, I told himevery chance I got that I loved him and supported the career he chose, even ifhe was out of his mind for wanting to go two hundred miles per hour into acorner with concrete walls surrounding him.

2.SwayBar – Sway

Sway Bar – A bar isused to resist or stabilize the rolling force of the car body through theturns.

The days following Jameson’srelease from the hospital were not that enjoyable. Nothing when Jameson wasn’tracing was enjoyable. He made sure of that.

After we arrived backin Mooresville where he lived with his parent’s, I called Charlie, my dad, tolet him know I wouldn’t be home until a few days before the modified nationals.Though Jameson was now the owner of Grays Harbor Raceway, his hometown track inElma Washington, Charlie still kept up with daily operation of it.

We knew that eventuallyCharlie wouldn’t be in any shape to run the track but for now, having onlymonths left after the brain cancer had spread, Charlie needed a distraction.Keeping Grays Harbor Raceway running was that distraction.

Though I felt I hadobligations to Charlie back home, now Jameson needed me with him too. And heneeded me here with him in Mooresville while he recovered. For one he stillwasn’t able to shower on his own and he refused to let his mother help him withthat task in any way, so that left me.

I was happy to oblige.Why wouldn’t I be?

Jameson was also onehorny dirty heathen by the time he was released. He counted,actuallycounted, that it had been five weeks and two days since we last had sex. Hewas nothappy about that. If I was being honest, neither was I.

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