Page 128 of Black Flag

“We can’t. He’s inRossburgand then they fly to Sarver tomorrow, and thenSummer Nationals after that.” Alley told him. “Jamesonhasto get inthat car. We don’t have anyone who can fill in.”

“Well he’s fuckinguseless like this!” Spencer barked tossing his hands in the air. “He needs toget his shit together.”

“I’m still in thegoddamn room. I canfuckinghear you guys!” I shoutedpeeling myself from the floor. I took the Gatorade from Alley. “Just leave mealone.”

Like I said before,after the heat of the moment has passed, we can cool off and clean up themesses we made. We cantryto let go of what was. We are left with achoice, sink or swim. I had an obligation to my team, to my sponsor and most ofall, I had an obligation to the woman I asked to marry me. Nothing thathappened so far changed that. I still had an obligation to all the people whomade it possible for me to live my dream. And that included Sway. My obligationto her was to be the man she needed. Be the father she would want our child tolook up to, not the man lying on the floor of his hauler, begging for relieffrom the guilt he felt. She needed someone who she wouldn’t be ashamed to callher husband.

As our team searchedfor a rhythm it didn’t have, seeking commitment and focus we couldn’t provide,the race stuttered on for an hour. Being inside the car and racing side by sidewith the other drivers at speeds that would make most men piss themselvesalleviated some of the pain, but not completely. I wanted it gone as a mancould only take so much.

Any remorse I mayhave felt for what I did to Darrin was gone after seeing what he had done,first hand, to Sway. It was one thing to try to kill me and it was somethingelse entirely to try to kill Sway and my son.

If there was anythingthat I was sure about, it was that I had no business being inside of a race carright now. I was a reckless, out of control, impatient, hasty, impetuous, rash...really, no business being out here but whatfucking choice did I have?

“Cautions out...tencarspinning in turn four, go high.” Aiden announced. “Keep your head here bud.”

I breathed in deeplybut felt no relief. It only reinforced my deadening mood. My team felt it too.All the warnings and the shared feelings kept us from winning. Because ofDarrin; because of this situation, I was letting it dictate my style of racingas well as the response times for our team. We couldn’t perform a proper pitstop to save our asses.

The race had beatendown all that was left. We all felt it. With the unity we had, weallfelt what happened yesterday.

I had no idea whatposition I was in or even what lap we were on, but I knew I was driving like anasshole. I had the furled black flag pointed at me on almost every lap for theway I was racing the other drivers but I could care less.

“NASCAR said that’syour last warning. Next time they’ll park you.” Mason said humorless. “What doyou think four tires?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “Nochanges...just fuel and tires.”

“You heard him guys...no other changes.” Mason told the crew.“4400 second gear.”

When Mason told me tocome in, I realized I was at least on the lead lap. From the looks of it, Icame into the pits in ninth, which gave me the first bit of optimism I had allday. I needed a top five finish. As the season wound down, each race wascritical. I knew that.

The only problem withall this was my mind, with the muddled state it was in, it was hard to focus onanything besides what I was feeling.

What brought me out ofmy confusion was noticing the cars pulling out in front of me and I wasn’tgoing anywhere yet.

“Come on guys! Let’sgo!” I yelled. “What’s taking so long?” I threw my water bottle out the side ofthe car toward the crew.

“Sorry man. We had toget the tape off the front before you overheated.”

“You held me for tape?”I snapped with pithiness. “Don’t ever hold me for tape again!”

Slamming the car intosecond, I made it onto the apron.

None of this washelping my mood and I really wanted Kyle back. He would never hold me forthings like tape on the grill. But then again, Kyle knew me without having totry. He knew the way I drove and what would make me comfortable out there.

“Turn on your rearbrake fans.” Mason said. “Spencer noticed your brakes were hot.”

I flipped the fans on,irritated.

“Coming to the greennext time by, you’re running in eleventh.”

“Eleventh?”I snorted even moreannoyed. That’s just great, ninth to eleventh.

“Yes, eleventh,” Masonanswered. “Just keep focused here and for Christ sakes, stay off the fortyeight’s bumper. Another warning and they will park you Jameson.”

“Comingto the green flag here.Don’t spin the tires, passing on the outside only.” Aidenreminded me. “Keep coming...keeping coming...green.”

I tried to shift intofourth but the shifter stuck, it wouldn’t budge. I tried to wiggle it butnothing. Cars flew by me in a matter of seconds.

“Uh...guys...mygear shift just broke.” I told them.

---