Page 147 of Black Flag

Van finally sighed, hist-shirt clinging to his oversized chest muscles. “I can’t tell you that becauseI don’t know that it will.” He finally looked at me, rain drops dripped fromhis dark hair. “I will tell you that a love like you have, with him, isenough.”

“WillIbe allright?”

“Eventually yes,” Vansmiled as he stood taking my hand to lead me back inside the room when the windand rain started to pick up again. “butit takes time.Don’t give up on him.”

Most of my life, Iavoid everything in the hopes that it would magically go away and I wouldn’tfeel anything. It didn’t work. There were times when the only thing we could dois feel the pain. At some point you’ll feel it, whether it’s instant or thirtyyears from now.

You could be in thegrocery store, getting your mail, driving, daydreaming. You can be doing andthinking about nothing and then all of a sudden you feel it. We may not knowwhat the feelings mean but we have them and it’s important to have them,it’spart of healing, right?

Back inside the room inbed, my phone buzzed, snapping me out of my self-pity party and I was relievedto see that it was my dirty heathen. Playing with the strands of my wet hair, Iread his message.

Missingyou right now honey.Just wanted to let you know I was thinkingof you, love you.

He always knew exactlywhat to say and when to say it. There I was wondering how in the hell we wouldheal from this and here he was, thinking of me in that exact moment. I startedcrying again clutching my phone to my chest. Eventually my hormones calmed downand I was able to answer him.

I love you too,congrats on the win.

As always, it wasfor you.

I know, thank you.

Give my little guy apat for me.

I will, see yousoon.

Thewoowill be waiting for you.

Slipping my phone undermy pillow, I eventually drowned out the horrific noise of Emma snoring enoughto actually sleep. I had a feeling the little flailing spaz could hear it toobecause he was flailing all around all night. Or maybe it was the pint of icecream I devoured before bed?

Beingon a road trip with Emma had about as much appeal to me as setting myself onfire.Sadly, there I was somewhere between Ohio and Indiana and at that point, Icould care less after everything that has happened so far on this road trip. Itwas a disaster.

We stopped somewhere toget food and gas. I couldn’t tell you where because like I said, I didn’t care.All I knew was it wasn’t Elma.

Being a punching bagfor a child; I had to pee. Grunting, pushing and pulling just to get out of thecar, I was amazed I was able to actually walk.

Peeing in a taint tankakaportapotty also had about as much appeal assettingmyselfon fire but I’d go a step further onthis one and include having my toenails ripped off.

Just the smell in thatdamn thing was enough to make me want to puke.

I intended on trying toplace toilet paper on the seat and then just scratched that idea and did thehover over the seat thing.Well, that plan would have worked but Ifailed to realize how slippery the floor was.

I’ll spare you thegruesome details but in my attempts to right my footing, my arm, the castedone, slipped inside the doom dump. Gagging, I almost vomited right there. I’mactually amazed I didn’t.

Most disgusting,horrific, smelly, incident that had ever happened to me. Embarrassed andsmelly, I made my way back to the car to wait for Emma and Van.

What seemed like forfucking ever, Emma and Van finally emerged, and then burst out laughing.

Fucking laughing!

“Can you just help me?”I reached for the paper towels next to the pumps.

I must have lookedrather ridiculous. I mean there I was with a baby bump walking around with shiton myself.

What was worse, my babybump had popped out considerably. Now I looked like two sticks with a bakedpotato on top. Not to mention my pants kept slipping down because in my madrush to exit the taint tank, I forgot to button them. I could apply for myplumber’s license any day now.

More laughing, nohelping and at one point Emma began taking pictures with her cell phone. Vanwas no fucking help either. He was doubled over, face turning red fromlaughter. I wanted to push his burly ass but no there’d be no budging him.

How this is so funny iswhat I want to know? I’m covered in poo, hardly funny and those two couldhardly look at me without giggles.

---