Page 150 of Black Flag

“Jameson!” Swaygrowled. “You need to knock that shit off.”

“It doesn’t fucking matteranyways.” I mumbled inertly.

“Whynot?”

“It just doesn’t.” Ibegan fumbling with the hem of my shirt. “The season has already gone to shit.I just want it to be over with.”

“Jameson AnthonyRiley, you need to stop this and pull yourself together!”

“How?”I shouted back,instantly regretting the tone of my voice.

“Okay...” Sway paused for a long moment and Iknew she was pissed. “I will put up with a lot of shit from you Jameson, but I willnot sit back and watch you throw your career away because of that douche bag.I’ve been by your side, watching, waiting, and supporting you through it all.So for you to just give up now, what does that say about us? What does that sayto our son?” Sway’s rant stopped briefly as she sighed. “I can’t watch you dothis...I won’t sit back andwatch you do this to yourself. I get it...Ireallydo. I feel the pain as well. I know how this has left its mark onus but I can’t let it destroyme. We can’t let it destroyus. Ifwe do...if we let it destroyus, he’s won. They’ve won.”

The line was silentaside from the static from the cell phone reception, only our labored breathingfilled the air.

I wasn’t entirely surewhat to say. Sway had never gone off on a diatribe like that before, with meanyways. And the worst part, I couldn’t blame her.

“I...uh—”

“Unless you are goingto tell me that you’re sorry and that you’ll go out there and be the man Iagreed to marry, save your bullshit for someone else.”

I crumbled fast.

“I’m sorry...” my voice broke. “I really am honey...I’m lost. I just don’t know how to bethat man for you right now. I just don’t know.” I drew in a shaky breath. “AllI see is that video on an endless loop. I look at you and see the images...and I can’t make it stop. I want tobut—”

“I know Jameson. Ireallydo understand but what I’m saying is that I fell in love with the arrogant,cocky dirty heathen who knew what he wanted out of life. He knew exactly whathis dreams were and was determined as hell to achieve them, no matter what. Ifell in love with the strong-minded eleven year old that thought he was theshit compared to men three times his age, and you know what? He was.You are.”Sway let out another sigh. “I want that man. That’s the man I agreed to spendthe rest of my life with.The man that stood his ground wheneveryone said he couldn’t make it out east when he was eighteen.The manthat showed the world that an eighteen-year old kid could go to a track he’dnever raced at before and break the track record first time out. I want him.”

“That’s still me Sway.”I told her, defeated. “I’m still that man.”

“No,not right now you’re not.I see that man, but I also see him slippingaway. Champions aren’t made, Jameson. They’re born. You were born to do this.”

Shadows of fear can besuffocating if you let them. At some point, you’ll get tired of running fromit. At some point, you have to face it and turn on the light.

“We can’t waste ourtime trying to get back what he took from us. We’ll miss out on what’s right infront of us.” She said softly before she hung up.

As always, she knewexactly what to say. She was right. We had a chance here to overcome this andstop running from the looming shadows.

I will say that beingaway from Sway gave me time to calm down and think. I wasn’t reminded everysecond of the goddamn day of what Darrin did to her by staring at the bruisesthat still lingered. But I still thought of them, I was still reminded everysecond of the goddamn day that they were there because those images had beenseared into my brain.

I tried to keep focusedbut it was a constant battle within me. I tried to keep that light off in fearthe doubt of my shadow would return.

“I’ll get the smokedchicken and a Jack n coke.” I handed the menu back to the waitress over myshoulder.

“I’ll have the same,please.” Tate smiled politely toward the waitress.

Tate and I were havingdinner together the night before the Dover race. It’d been a long time sincewe’d actually done anything together and it was nice.

From the time Igraduated from high school and decided to pursue this dream it seemed like myfree time wasn’t really my free time. Sure I had days off but lately those daysoff were spent with Sway—which I would never complained about but I never hadtime for my other friends. I rarely saw Tommy, Justin, and Tyler. It’d been awhile since I saw Ryder and Cody.

Bobby and Tate werebecoming good friends but still, outside of the track, we rarely got to spendtime just being normal people and not a professional race car driver with timeconstraints limiting your personal life and those around you.

There comes a point inyour career as a race car driver that your life is no longer your life and yourfriends, well, they are there but they never get the attention they deserve.They get what’s left over after the lifestyle takes nearly everything you have.It really can destroy you if you let it.

“I hear you threw yourhelmet at old Huey.”

“That fucker deservedit. He black flagged me in practice.” I clipped with a sour edge.“Practice.Who does that shit?”

“Uh,” his eyebrowsrose. “I was out there with you.” He said sardonically. “Youweredriving like an asshole. Do you realize you pushed me into Paul like fivefucking times.” he shook his head with a laugh. “You’re such a shit sometimes.”

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