Page 152 of Black Flag

The last words he saidto me that night were probably the most memorable of everything.

“There is a lesson in everythingwe do. It’s about seeing past the speed and looking for an opening you didn’tsee before.”

I wasn’t sure if he wastalking about racing or life but decided it didn’t matter, it applied to both.

Sometimes I feel likethe past is something you just can’t let go of but I also feel like sometimesthe past was something we would do anything to forget.

I don’t think we shouldever forget our past altogether because it taught us what not to do or what notto repeat. But you need to move forward with the future. Move forward with yourdreams and use it as a lesson.

I needed to be that manfor Sway. I needed to be that man for my son. I needed to let go of the past.Yeah Darrin got a piece of me but he didn’t get the whole thing and no one everwould. I could do that. At least I thought I could after a few drinks.

The only dream I couldever remember wanting was to be a race car driver. Some kids changed theirminds as they grew older, I never did. I saw the passion my dad had for thesport and I knew I wanted that too. I also remember the sacrifices he made todo so. He wasn’t home on our birthdays, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day and rightafter Christmas, he was usually gone again. If we wanted to see him we traveledwith him. Even with all that, he taught me one important trait, determination.

In the twenty fouryears my dad had been racing in the World of Outlaws, he’d won fourteenchampionships and was well on the way to his fifteenth. He’d won five hundredand forty three races. In my eyes he was greatness. He was a legend. I wantedmy son to be able to look at me with the same idolatry I did to Jimi. I wantedhim to look at me and see greatness, someone he could admire. I didn’t want himto see the man I’d become these last few weeks. Even I hardly recognized theman I’d become.

After Sway told me theway it would be, and Tate making me feel like a complete failure, I did somethinking that night before the Dover race. Alone in my motor coach wassomething I needed.

Cal stopped by for aminute to see if I needed anything before he headed back to the hotel.“Any requests for tomorrow?”He did all the cooking on theroad these days.

“Same as always, orangejuice, egg whites and bacon,”

He smiled near the door,one foot out and one foot in. “You all right kid?”

I smiled despite myshitty attitude. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Well,” he seemed tocontemplate staying before he finally said, “see you tomorrow.”

I had some seriousdecisions to make and that started with myself and ended with myself. Icouldn’t be that kid who broke down when his rock left him for college.Resorting to drinking and combining pain pills wasn’t an option for me now. Ihad to face reality.

As grandpa Casten wouldsay, eventually you have to get off the bench and decided which team you’rebatting for, self-pity, or self-resilience?

“You ready for this,Riley?” Bobby asked taking in my appearance that morning after the teammeeting. We stood on pit road, waiting for the National Anthem to begin, andthen the race.

Leaning against theside of my car, I smiled as Tate and Paul Leighty, his teammate, approached me.

Bobby’s head tippedsideways. “Hmm,” a grin appeared. “...I’veseen that smile before...Rowdy Riley’s back,huh?”

I offered another smilepulling my hat down to shadow my face.

“Good luck boys.”Patting Tate and Bobby on the back, I stepped past them. I was batting forself-resilience.

Spoiler – Tate

I searched his intenseindomitable stare. That determination, that desire I saw in that nineteen-yearold kid at the Chili Bowl was back. I saw in the way he looked at us, the wayhe walked. I knew right then the arrogant little shit I met four years ago hadreturned. I’ve seen many drivers in my time, but none of them ever compared tothe talent Jameson has behind the wheel.

I turned toward Bobbyand Paul gesturing toward Jameson. “You know we’re screwed, right?”

We watched as hestopped and signed a couple autographs before Paul laughed. “He’s right, we’refucked.”

“Rowdy Riley’s back.” Bobbyagreed clapping his hands together. He was all for the competition. “It’s gonnabe a good race.”

He was right though,none of us wanted to race against the distant version of Jameson he’d become.We wanted to race against Rowdy Riley who kept us on our game. When the kidshowed up we knew our chance at winning were slim, like today.

There’s nothing likethe look in a racers eye when he wants it.

Spoiler – Jameson

When I thought abouthow out of control I had become these last few weeks, I realized I was somekind of wild animal. I also tend to think there is an animal instinct ineveryone whether you want to admit it or not. You want to think of yourself ascontrolled and rational but when your world falls apart it’s apparent thatwe’re really no different from animals.

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