Page 167 of Black Flag

Once we arrived atBabies-R-Us, I was overwhelmed with how much baby stuff there actually wasconfined in one location. I mean seriously, do you really need all that stuff?Clearly, I was in over my head. And so was Jameson by the look on his face.

“What the fuck isthat?” Jameson asked with a quizzical gaze toward breast pumps.

Aiden simply smiledbacking toward the bottles at the other end. I examined the package for amoment because I myself was unsure at first.

“It’s a breast pump,Jameson.” I couldn’t help but smile at him. He was so adorable when confused.

He shifted his weightfrom one foot to the other and his eyes met mine for a moment, perplexed, andthen looked back at the package in his hand. “What do you use it for?”

“Breastfeeding.What else would you do with it?”

He looked even more confused,raising his eyebrows at me to explain.

Just as I was about toexplain, Emma walked up with a bunch of maternity clothes in hand andmomentarily distracted me at the quantity she was able to carry with her tinyarms, she was like an octopus.

Emma looked at me, thenat Jameson, and then the box Jameson was looking at, again.

“I thought...” Jameson did theshifting-nervous-weight-transfer thing. “withbreastfeeding, that you just...uh you know, use yourbreast.Why do you need a pump?”

I laughed at the way hesaid “breast” as if it was a forbidden word or something.

After he set the boxdown, he backed against the wall running his hand through his hair. I laughedagain because Jameson was acting really strange and the only thing I could dowas laugh. Neither one of us know anything about raising a child for Christsakes. I must have given him a strange look after he asked that because heflashed me a small reassuring smile.

“It’s for when you’renot with the baby and you still need to relieve yourself of the milk.” Iclarified.

I wouldn’t have knownmyself either but unlike Jameson, I read those damn baby books the doctor gaveus. I only did that because I have so much time on my hands these days.

“WHAT?” Emma gasped snatchingup the box. All the clothing she’d been holding fell to her feet. “There is noway in hell I would stick that,” she pointed to the picture of the pump inhorror. “onmy funbags. It would drain the life rightout of them.” she complained throwing the box. “That’s just ridiculous.”

Aiden came back withsome bottle nipples as Jameson backed away from the breast pumps.

“These don’t look likeyour nipples, Emma.” Aiden mused, placing the nipple over Emma’s funbags.

“Oh for Christ sakes,”Jameson groaned stalking away.

Emma and Aiden startedlaughing,thenstarted kissing.

“Careful, that leads toa flailing spaz.” I pointed out walking toward the clothing department.

As I stood there,skimming through the clothing, I realized how incredibly nervous I was aboutbecoming a mother. It terrified the hell out of me. I had no idea how to eventake care of a baby. And I doubted Jameson did either. Just yesterday hethought they were potty trained by one.

At the time I laughedbut I wasn’t much better when I thought that you just go to the hospital andthe baby comes out, as though it was a scheduled event like going to thedentist. I had no idea you go into labor or anything. Nor did I understand thatthe weight you gain doesn’t magically disappear when the baby comes out.Needless to say, we were in for a rude awakening with this parenting shit.

After a few minutes,Jameson was beside me again, looking through the racks next to me.

“Hey beautiful,” hepulled me closer and he gently placed both his hands on my stomach over ourbaby.

I couldn’t describe thefeeling I got when his hands would touch our child through my skin. It was suchan overwhelming gratification that made me feel closer to him than ever before.We were one person connected by this child inside me. The moment his fingerswould graze over the sensitive skin separating our baby from the world, my eyesburned with tears. I forgot all about the responsibilities we had, the womenthat were now throwing themselves at Jameson. I forgot about my fears of Darrincoming after me again. I forgot abouteverythingwith just one touchfrom this man. Goes to show you the power the dirty heathen can have.

Soon we found ourselvesin the stroller aisle where I decided that Jameson was not allowed to touch thestroller. He was already talking about wanting to put an engine on it, which Ioriginally thought might actually be pretty cool, considering I wouldn’t haveto push it. But when he thought it would be a good idea to see if Simplex coulddesign some special off-road shock package for it, I drew the line.

That was the day that Icame to the distinct conclusion that we had absolutely no business raising achild. Poor little adorable flailing spaz was in for an interesting life. Icontemplated looking through the phone book when I got home to find him atherapist. I wouldn’t want him on a waiting list or anything.

Our trip to Babies-R-Usended rather suddenly when we were asked to leave because Emma and Aidenthought it was appropriate to try out a breast pump, on Aiden, because hedidn’t believe Jameson that men could produce milk. I didn’t feel the need toask where he heard that or if it was true. I had a feeling Spencer was somehowinvolved in that theory. Just so we’re clear, you can’t test out breast pumpsin the store.

Later that evening,Jameson and I were lying in my bed before he had to leave. As it was, wewouldn’t see each other for another three weeks. With only three racesremaining, Jameson’s schedule was insane.

Looking over theschedule with him, my response was, “Are you going to have time to sleep?” Hejust laughed but I was serious.

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