Page 18 of Black Flag

I spent the nightdrinking and singingTotal Eclipse of the Heartat the top of my lungsat least four times, drank an entire twenty-four pack of beer, asked Emma to bea lesbian with me and then vomited all over Spencer at least twice.

When I began my fifthsolo of the song, Jameson politely told me I sounded like a dying cat and tookmy beer away. I can laugh about it now but I really was pathetic.

But what wasn’tpathetic, was the boy that glued me together by just holding me that nightwhile I cried it out.

Being in love is astrange thing. Even when you hate the person for saying or doing something, youdon’t stop loving them. You may want to or even go as far to say you won’t, butwhen you love them, truly love them, it never goes away.

It can’t be shut off oreven avoided. Just the engine failure, once it’s been certain, nothing can stopit. All you can do is go with it and try to counteract any after effects.

Sway Bar – Jameson

“Damn it!” My hand onceagain slipped off the ratchet wrench. Jimi, who’d been watching up until thispoint, laughing, set his whiskey on the tool cart and walked over.

“What are you doingdipshit? That’s not how you do it.” He asked hovering over me. I could feel hiswarm whiskey breath on my neck. Being around sprint cars my entire life, I knewhow to do this shit. I also knew my World of Outlaw dad, the one that grew updoing this shit himself, knew too. We just didn’t have the same techniques.

“Jesus, I know what I’mdoing.” I snapped adjusting the wrench I was using to change out the brakes onJustin’s sprint car, with a broken wrist. I was still angry but at least Icould form coherent words. More than anything, I felt like shit having yelled atSway.

“Obviously not.” hetook the wrench from me and proceeded to show me his way.

“There’s more than oneway to do this you know.”

“No, there’s one wayand then there is bullshit.” His eyebrows rose challenging me. “Guess which oneyou’re doing right now?”

I snapped and rippedthe brake pad off, hurling it across the shop. The metal from the brakescrapped against the concrete floor until it smashed against the sidewall.

My dad laughed. “How’dthat work out for you?” he asked tossing the wrench toward the tool cart andwalking toward his whiskey again. “You know, I’m not sure exactly what happenedbetween you and Sway this afternoon butyouneed to fix it.”

“Don’t you think Ifucking know that?” I snapped back at him.

“If youfuckingknow that,” he mocked widening his eyes, “why are you still here doingsomething that can easily be done by Tommy and going allbatshitwhen I try and help your broken ass?”

I shook my head,letting it fall forward against the top wing of the car. I’ve fucked uptremendously, yet again.

“I don’t even knowwhere she went.” I groaned. “For all I know she flew home.”

My dad laughed onesarcastic patronizing laugh. “You’re dumber than you look. She’s sittingoutside in the same place she’s been for the last two hours.Crying.”

“What?”

“She never leftdumbass.” He headed for his office again. “She’s been sitting in the caroutside. By the way,” he stopped short of the door looking over his shoulder atme. “We chose WarnerLeddyto drive for you.”

I think I offered somesort of head nod but not much else before I ran outside. Well I tried, and Iwas in noticeably bad shape considering I think I re-broke a few bones with thehallway brawl.

Once outside I saw hersitting in my Mustang. Her arms were draped over the steering wheel with herface leaned against it.

She hadn’t left, thoughshe had every right to. I yelled at her and accused her of something she’dnever do, she should have left. But that wasn’t Sway. She wouldn’t leave me, nomatter what I put her through; she was there for me even when she shouldn’t be.

How many times was Igoing to break her heart? How many more times will she forgive me?

When I opened thepassenger door, she jumped but didn’t look up so I climbed in. We sat there,Sway crying, me tugging at my hair, not saying a word.

I’ve done a lot offucked up shit in my life but this doesn’t even compare. The guilt I felt,listening to her cry, was maddening.

So there I sat,listening to the woman that owned my heart and soul cry because I broke hersonce again. She trusted me with everything and once again, I let her down. Sheloved me and I hurt her.

What would I even sayto apologize for something like that?

I just basicallyaccused my pregnant girlfriend of cheating on me when I knew damn well she’dnever do something like that,ever.

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