Page 65 of Black Flag

Later that afternoon weleft for Darlington, South Carolina. It was a two and an half hour drive fromMooresville so I was surprised to see we took Jameson’s Mustang. Usually henever drove the car anywhere longer than a few miles.

Darlington Raceway wasa 1.36 mile, egg shaped, asphalt track. It’s also known at the Lady in Black orThe Track Too Tough to Tame. It’s tricky because both ends of the track aredifferent configurations.

The race was onSaturday night, which meant the first practice session would be on Wednesday.Jameson’s week was full of sponsorship commitments, doctor appointments, andother various media conferences aside from Friday night.

While Alley went overJameson’s schedule with him, the Lucifer twins were trying to convince Andreaand Charlie to take them to some water park they found onGooglebutCharlie was having no part of it.

“I don’t think so. Yougo ahead. I’d rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool full of urine.” Hetook a drink of his orange juice. “That doesn’t sound like fun to me.”

Watching theinteraction between Jameson and Alley, it was more evident Jameson wasdistracted.

He was starting toworry me. He kept acting as though he wanted or was trying to tell me somethingbut never did. Maybe the timing was off or maybe he just didn’t know how to sayit.

I’ve never understoodwhy people don’t just say what they felt. Not that I’m some sort of expert inthis. Jameson and I were a perfect example of how I wasn’t an example.

I think it’s becausewe’re afraid. I knew the fear well, the feeling, and the gnawing stress as I’dbeen faced with it many times dealing with Jameson and it never got meanywhere.

Many of us, including me,put things off because we fear what will happen when we make that decision.Then what? Was it the right one? Can we take it back if the outcome isn’t whatwe envisioned?

It may be the fearthat’s overpowering your admittance. Rejection, pain, failure, love, it’s allplaying a part in the indecisiveness. There’s that gnawing anxiety again.

For me, I don’t regretanything. I think you have to see for yourself and play the hand you are dealt.

Grandpa Casten once toldme and I remember Jameson quoting this the night he first said I love you.“Remember what you’re giving up because you never know what you’re getting.”

The conversationoriginally took place while arguing with Jameson about who got the last Dr.Pepper when we were twelve but I still remember the phrase Casten used to shutus up. It meant nothing to us at twelve but now, it packed a punch.

I believe we need tomake those mistakes in order to learn our own lessons. How else would we learnif not by mistake?

Just like a child thatslams his finger in the door. He doesn’t do it again, unless of course he’sTommy and does this weekly, because he does.

When you think aboutit, a child, other than Tommy, doesn’t know that it hurts to slam your fingerin a door until he does it. We don’t know anything is wrong until we have doneit once and the outcome wasn’t ideal. Then we have something to go on.

I’ll be honest withyou, it bothered me that my parents kept their illnesses from me but I alsounderstood at the time of mother’s onset of breast cancer, I was young andwouldn’t have understood anyways. You couldn’t expect a 6-year old tounderstand that.

With Charlie, I thinkhe kept it from me because as I said, fear of the unknown. He feared myreaction or maybe the lack of reaction and instead the withdrawal.

There were many timesthroughout my life that I wish I had my mother around. Like when my firstboyfriend, Adam, broke up with me in the third grade because I wouldn’t sharemy pudding cup with him. I cried for a week and almost sent poor Charlie offthe deep end. By the way, I still don’t share pudding cups. Thankfully, Jamesonhas never asked because yes, I’d have to say no.

I knew there would betimes in my life where I wanted Charlie around; thebirth ofmy child or for him to walk me downthe aisle. Despite my wants, Iwasn’t so sure Charlie would be around for them. What I focused on though waswhat I could control, not what I couldn’t, as it was out of my hands.

Just like a car thatwas loose, you try to control it more than it wants to be controlled and you’llend up in the wall. You have to find a balance between what is and what isn’t.

Now, if only Jamesonwould tell me what was botheringhim.

Every time I asked, hegave me a pensive shrug dismissing my attempts.

I don’t know how themedia got wind of me being pregnant, but the questions to Jameson and me wererelentless in Darlington. It might be that I was now sporting a noticeable babybump, which I tried to hide.

My attempts to hide cameto an abrupt halt when Spencer, Aiden and I were standing around the garagearea and Jameson was on the track for his second practice session Thursdaymorning.

Ashley, the whore FOXSports reporter, made her way over to me. I didn’t care for Ashley Conner.Mostly because she slept with Jameson a few years back and I just didn’t likeher.

“Look at you!” her eyesgave me that gauging once over. “Looks like someone should to cut back on thecarbs,” she snarked smiling toward Spencer and Aiden.

If I didn’t think it’dhurt the baby, I would have pummeled her miniature ass right then. My mindshifted imagining a time when Jameson andherweretogether in ways we were.

I almost puked all overher when I thought about Jameson having sex with her.

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