Page 13 of Saving Barrette

Could I report it? Would I? My words, my denial had gone unheard tonight, I think, but now I’m given an option? I turn to the woman peering down at me, concern on her deeply wrinkled face. My answer lodges in my throat, unable to slip past my lips. What would this mean?

The male doctor reaches for my other hand, “You have injuries that need to be treated, but if we prep you with an antibiotic solution, evidence is lost. This is your time to at least start the process. It’s up to you to decide what you do with that evidence, but at least you have it.”

My eyes wander over my hands, my forearms, the blood underneath my fingernails, everywhere I look there’s evidence that someone had used my body for their needs and left me to die. My first response, the words I chose to say is when I look at Asa. “I don’t want that.” Just the idea of the act, of what was done to me feels like I’ve been dropkicked in the stomach. I don’t want to remember any of the details.

I can see the disappointment on his face. It’s etched in the crease of his brow and the way his jaw clenches. “Yes, you do. You have to report this, Barrette. They need to pay for what they did, and the only way is for you to report it.”

“She doesn’t have to do it,” the female doctor says, touching my hand. “It’sherdecision.”

I glance at the doctor. She’s glaring at Asa and he’s not backing down.

He dips his head forward, catching her eyesight. “I know it’s her decision. I’m not forcing her to do anything, but she should know if she doesn’t do this now, the likelihood of them ever finding out who did this—and them paying for it—are slim to none.” He motions to my body with a flick of his hand. “This is evidence. Evidence that will hold them accountable.”

The male doctor clears his throat. His hair is buzzed close to his head, his arms covered in tattoos. None of that matters, but I find myself looking at him for some reason and the ink on his arms. “He isn’t wrong.”

“No, he’s not, but no one should convince her of anything. It’s her choice,” the female doctor says, her arms crossed over her chest. I notice her name tag finally, my eyes narrowing in on her. Lucy. Her name is simple. I’ve always liked that name.

Something happens to me when I’m looking at her name tag. She doesn’t know. She’s never seen me before tonight, and this will probably be our last interaction and here she is, sticking up for me. Giving me a voice I’m not sure I have.

I look over at him, strain perceptible on his face. “Can you stay?” I ask Asa, unsure of my own request. His eyebrow rises, like he’s wondering if he heard me correctly. I glance at the woman doctor. “Is that allowed?”

She nods. “If you want him here, he can stay.” She waits, studying my face. And then her eyes focus on Asa.

He shakes his head. “I don’t have to.” He swallows, his jaw clenching. “It’s private. Maybe you might want to be alone?”

“I don’t… want to be.” Tears flood my eyes. I don’t want to be alone, my mind screams, but I don’t say that to him. I squeeze his hand, unable to separate myself from him. “Will you stay, please? Don’t leave.”

His jaw clenches, works back and forth. He swallows twice, his eyes clouding over. “I’m not going anywhere.” He speaks the words slowly and precisely, as if he needs me to believe them no matter what. He reaches for my hand. “I’m staying.”

The doctor clears her throat. “You understand that if you’re in the room with her, you will be called to testify as a witness should she press charges.”

“Will it go to court?” he asks, the vulnerability in his words so raw, so real. “If she presses charges?”

“It will. It’s her choice if she wants to have the evidence tested and prosecuted.”

My choice. They keep saying that.

Would a jury believe me? If I tell them I drank, I flirted, I left myself vulnerable, would they believe me that I didn’t want this? I meet Asa’s gaze, and the moment I do, my mouth goes dry. I’ve put him in this position and now what will it mean? At my reaction, his mouth clamps together. His shoulders stiff and defensive as he glares at me. “Don’t you dare, Barrette. Don’t do that. I’m here because I want to be and you need to report this for you, not me.”

Leaning forward, I bury my face in my hands, each breath more labored than the last. I suffer at the pain deep within my body. It aches and radiates with every movement.

“Barrette.” The doctor waits, studying my face as she speaks the words, her hand on mine. “It’s just an exam. You can tell us to stop at any time, but you have to tell us you want to continue each step of the way.”

I nod and look to Asa.

“You have to say it, Barrette,” the female doctor says. “We can’t continue until you do. You have to tell us you consent to the exam.”

Tears roll down my cheeks and all I taste is the salt when I cry out, “I want to continue.” My vision focuses on Asa and the way his face reflects every emotion from relief to anger.

“You’re making the right decision, Barrette. Lucy is going to take it from here.” The male doctor excuses himself. “I’ll come back later to take care of that laceration on your face and we can discuss further treatment of your injuries.”

Before he leaves, he talks to Lucy. She nods to everything he’s saying. I don’t look at them any longer, and instead, I obsess over details in the room. The table, the camera they bring in, and then my gaze finds Asa because I don’t know what else to do. I do not want him to leave the room, and the death grip I have on his hand is unhealthy, and I have no idea where these feelings of attachment are coming from. But the thought of being alone now terrifies me.

“I won’t leave,” he assures me, seeming to know where my thoughts are.

I draw in a heavy breath as Lucy sets a box on the counter. I read the label. Sexual Assault Testing Kit. Never would I have thought I would see that. Up until now, I was a virgin. The girl guys ignored and classified as the prude. But I wasn’t. I just didn’t want any of the boys at our high school. Is that why this happened? Because I was the prude? Was it retaliation for something I didn’t do for one of them?

“Were my parents called?” I ask, looking to Asa, and then Lucy.

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