Page 29 of Saving Barrette

“Was that better?” I finally ask, holding her to my chest as we stare up at the ceiling.

“Yes, perfect.” She closes her eyes, a small smile tugging at the corners of her perfect lips. My fingers reach out to run across her collarbone. She lays her head on my chest, curling into me. “That should have been my first time.”

The words hang in the air. My heart beats rapidly while her breathing’s erratic.

There are a thousand things I can say, most of which are completely cheesy, but instead, I say nothing. I stare at her.Take my heart, honey. Rip it from my chest and write your name in my blood because I don’t want to live without you.I wanna tell her that, but I don’t.

Some people can’t help being sad. Then there’s some who want to be happy, like Barrette, but something inside them forces them not to be. Shoves them to the edge of darkness that lurks in the corners, waiting to destroy their light. That’s what happened to Barrette. She was pushed.

Being sad doesn’t just happen either.

Neither does depression.

You can’t ignore it. It won’t let you. It’s in your words, your will, and your unwavering control. It stays there, infecting you until it takes over and consumes you.

I know because I know the girl who’s being destroyed by it.

Barrette’s eyes find mine, tears in hers, I don’t know what’s in mine when she whispers, “I wanted you to be my first. I’m sorry they took that.”

I kiss her temple and hold her tighter. “Don’t ever be sorry. They didn’t takeyou.”

I love you through it all, even our darkest moments.

I watch him sleep, fascinated by the way his face looks when the morning sun hits the gold in his hair. I want to live in this space, the warmth, the comfort, forever. In our tiny bubble inside this room, we’re perfect.

I knew what having sex with Asa would mean. Losing myself and weighted by emotions that chained me to an existence of filling voids. What I didn’t know was how unlocked I would feel. A smile no longer forced. Yearning so badly to be whole, I cram my space with his kisses and let him heal me, completely exposed and vulnerable.

And he did. I saw his face, the love, the planes of regret, but would he ever know what he gave me? I’m not sure I could accurately express it to him, so I don’t even try.

He stirs beside me, his lips brushing my forehead. “I have to get to practice.”

I nod, blinking slowly, sleep finally weighing heavy on me. I don’t have class until ten today and I’m looking forward to getting some sleep without nightmares. “Thank you,” I whisper, my hand lingering on his as he sits up.

Smiling, he looks back at me, his hair messed up, eyes sleepy and soft. “I should probably be thanking you.”

My heart thuds in my ears, wanting so badly to whisper what I really feel, that I love him, but I’m afraid to let the words slip out so easily. Neither of us say anything, but there’s tightness around his eyes. He looks so serious with the planes of his face etched in an unnamed motion. “Are you okay?”

I bite my lip, holding back the swell of feelings washing over me. “I’m more than okay.” I nod, my emotions clogging my throat.

He closes his eyes and then opens them again. “Call me later?” he asks, his voice torn as he swallows.

I smile and nod. “Yeah, I have class at ten. Meet for lunch maybe?”

He shoulders sink. “Can’t. Team lunch to watch films and then we have our team dinner before the game tomorrow.”

I knew that. Every Friday night before the Saturday games the team had dinner together and stayed off campus at a hotel to ward off any temptations the players might have to party before the game.

“There’s always Sunday.”

“Okay.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I’ll call you when I’m done. Probably won’t be until eight though. Maybe later.”

“I can wait.”

He studies me and lets out a sigh as his eyes drift back to my naked body. “How am I gonna make it through today thinking about this?” His hand moves to my hips, gripping the sheets covering my lower hips.

I giggle when he lays back down with me, his mouth trailing over my neck. “You’re gonna be late,” I remind him when he’s trying to crawl on top of me again.

His forehead rests against mine. “I know.”

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