Page 34 of Saving Barrette

It’s sometime in the third quarter when the crowd goes wild. I jump and my eyes snap to the screen when I see the concern in everyone’s faces. Asa is sacked on the play, but he doesn’t get up.

He doesn’t move.

For over three minutes, he doesn’t move.

I cannot breathe.

They show the replay and his helmet comes flying off and then the snap as his head smacks the turf. My stomach knots but eases when he moves his legs up and rests his feet flat on the ground and then rolls to his side. Breathing a sigh of relief, Joey grabs my hand. “He’s okay.”

But is he? He doesn’t look like it.

Seeing Asa transported off the field on a stretcher is not easy on me.

I ask Joey to leave. I can’t watch any more of the game if he’s not in it. As we’re walking back to my dorm, I send Roman a text knowing he’ll reply to me when the game is over.

“Are you gonna be okay?” Joey asks, waiting outside my dorm room. She lives two doors down with a girl who eats tuna fish every single day. Her room smells awful. “Because I could stay and cuddle. I have plenty of fluff for you to lay against,” she teases, winking at me and doing an hour-glass motion with her hands. “I might not be all solid lines like your boy, but I’m definitely cuddle-bug material.”

It’s tempting and wouldn’t be the first time Joey helped me while I feared sleep and the ghosts of my dreams, but I resist. “I’m okay. Thank you.”

Just before she leaves, Joey pauses and looks over at me. She has the prettiest brown eyes that remind me of chocolate syrup. “Don’t push Asa away. I know it’s hard, believe me, I know. I seldom let men in because why would they want me?”

I lean into the wall. “Jo, don’t talk like that. You’re beautiful.”

“Gurl, please. I know this.” She laughs and tucks her dark curls behind her ear. “But being beautiful and having the body men want, that’s completely different. And I’m fine with that. I love myself and I’m not trying to be what they want. But you, my friend, Asa Lawson is one hundred percent in love with your tiny ass and you’re constantly giving him an out. You’re convinced because of what you guys went through, he can’t give you what you want, or that you’re incapable of receiving it. That’s not the case.”

It’s not that I’m incapable of receiving his love. It’s that he’s scared to give it to me in fear of what it means. “I think he’s scared.”

Joey nods. “He probably is. The biggest hurdle to get over in a relationship is sexual trauma. You have to set new boundaries, reevaluate them often, and make changes as time progresses. But Asa Lawson, babe, he’d follow you to the ends of the earth and back again.”

I have no doubt she’s right.

When Joey leaves, my room is filled with an all-encompassing quietness as I sit on my bed clutching my pillow. I think about the brown in his eyes and the way he looked moving above me the other night. I put my hand to my face and remember the sensations that follow when he touches me, the imprint of him pumping through my veins.

Joey’s right, we do have to set boundaries, but with Asa, I don’t want to follow the rules. I want that reckless, unforbidden love that tempts me, and is it so bad that he gives it to me? I’m tired of editing my thoughts and censoring my words because I’m afraid I can’t give him what he needs. Or at least, I think I can’t give him what he needs.

What if I can?

Roman texts me back and tells me Asa was transported to the hospital and released with a concussion. They’re already heading home.

I sigh in relief, holding my cell phone to my chest.

I’m alone in my room for a few minutes when Cadence knocks on the door to the bathroom and peeks her head in. I look up at her and wait.

“Have you heard from Asa?” she asks, concern on her face. “I saw that hit. Looked brutal.”

I nod and hold up my cell phone. “Roman said he was okay.”

With the mention of Roman’s name, she frowns and steps back. “’K.” And then she disappears back to her room without another word.

Sometimes I get the urge to talk to her, but then I remember our last conversation when she got upset with me that I wanted to spend more time with Asa than her.“You’re choosing him over me when I’m the one who was there for you when he left and you had nobody else.”That’s what she said to me, and I knew our friendship would never be the same again.

For a long time, I tried to put myself in Cadence’s shoes that night and if it had been her, falling down drunk, would I have left her with those guys?

No. Not a chance. I would have stayed there until she passed out and then I would have taken her home. I would not have ever left her alone despite what she told me to do. And no, I can’t blame her for anything that happened. I told her to leave.

It doesn’t stop me from wishing we would have remained friends.

I SIT ATthe window for hours watching to see if I can see any players returning to campus. I should text him or maybe call.No, don’t do that.He’s probably busy and me calling will just make him panic and think something is wrong.

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