Page 36 of Saving Barrette

His body shudders, his movements halting. He pulls back slightly, his eyes finding mine and then his mouth. It’s not the same kisses as before. These are slow and consuming. They promise and assure.

I’m the first to break away from the kiss, and when I do, Asa’s mouth finds my neck. “Fuck,” he pants, his movements slowing. “I love you so much.”

And I say, over and over again, that I love him, even when it doesn’t feel like the words will ever be enough to convey my feelings for him. He holds me close, cradling my head in his hands, his chest sliding against mine as he rocks against me. The friction, the pressure, it’s just enough that I think maybe I know what’s coming if he keeps this slow but precise motion up.

He smirks, and I think, yeah, he knows what he’s doing.

I grip his shoulders tighter, my hips squirming, searching for just the right spot. And when we find it, he’s staring down at me with such intense need it makes my entire body heat to levels almost unbearable.

“Fall apart for me,” he begs, rocking into me.

I shudder beneath him at the same time his hips jerk forward faster than before. “Don’t stop,” I moan, praying he doesn’t in the middle of what I think is my first orgasm while having sex.

“I won’t,” he promises, keeping his movements sure and steady. He grunts against my lips, “Kiss me.”

His words, the tone, the way they course over my skin, salty and ragged, I kiss him. God, do I kiss him. I kiss him like he did to me, promising, assuring, and trying to convey everything he means to me. When I do fall apart beneath him, it’s everything and so much more.

I wrap my legs around his waist, tighter, holding on to him anywhere I can. His movements speed and just as mine ends, his begins, jerking inside me, groaning as he rides through his. He holds himself up on his hands, pushing into me and shudders, his eyes heavy-lidded, emptying himself into me. It’s everything, and I think he’s giving me everything good inside him. It’s seeping into my soul, bringing out the good in me.

He rolls off me and to the side, his breathing still heavy. That’s when the darkness creeps in. I only feel whole when he’s inside me, and I know just how unhealthy that is, but I can’t stop it. It traps me there, tightens my chest and holds every other emotion hostage.

I breathe in and stare at the jar on my nightstand Asa made for me. My very own starry night. It’s fading, the light not as bright but read the quote on the side again.

“For my part I know nothing with any certainty but the sight of the stars make me dream.”—Vincent Van Gogh

Asa kisses my shoulder, his breathing slowing. I look over at him and he seems so content I smile. Even if my mind won’t stop, at least I have this. Someone willing to see me through the darkness.

I’m studying with Roman for our statistics class. I don’t usually study with him, but we’re taking the class together and I need desperate help. We’re sitting on my bed with our backs against the wall, our feet hanging off the edge. There’s a pizza box between us, and he’s telling me about Cadence and him and how they can’t seem to stop fighting, but yet, he can’t walk away from her. Their situation is very much like mine and Asa’s, only completely different. As couples, we’re wrapped around each other in a lot of ways, holding onto memories from the past.

Asa and Roman were friends first when we were younger. They met playing youth football. I actually dated Roman for a short time. If you can call a third-grade romance dating. We legit thought we were too. Serious stuff back then. Anyway, when I noticed Asa Lawson, I let Roman down gently in a note that said: “I’m breaking up with you. Sorry.”

Roman being Roman, gave me a cocky response. “Cadence is prettier.”

He’s always been a dick.

After Asa left, Roman looked out for me, but I’ll admit, my relationship with everyone I know, even my parents, has changed.

When I look over at Roman, he’s staring at his textbook, a slice of pizza in one hand and a beer in another. “I just don’t get it.” Roman groans, drawing me from my thoughts. I feel bad, but I’ve missed what he was just saying. “She fucking acts like my mother at times.”

He’s talking about a fight he had with Cadence the other night. Believe me when I say everyone on the floor heard them in her room. I don’t have much I can offer him that he doesn’t know already. “If you’d stop cheating on her, maybe she wouldn’t be so untrusting. You’ve brought this on yourself.”

“I never told her I was going to seejusther. That’s just crazy thinking I can be held to those standards in college,” Roman says conversationally, never breaking his eyes from the textbook in his lap.

“You’re such a pig.” I roll my eyes as he reaches for another slice of pizza. “Who’s that cheerleader you’ve been with again? I think the whole floor heard her name a time or two.”

He knows what I’m talking about. He cheated on Cadence with Lydia. I’ve never seen Lydia, that I know of, but I’ve definitely heard of her now. “It is what it is, B,” he says, angling the slice of pizza into his mouth. “Women love me because I have a dick and I fuck like a boss.”

“That’s disgusting, Roman. You’re so crass.” I level him a serious look and smile. “You’ve got nothing on Asa.”

Crap. Why’d I just say that?

Roman huffs, lashes fluttering, closing in annoyance. His jaw works back and forth in what I can only assume is irritation. He hates it when I mention Asa. They got in a huge fight after that night because he claimed Roman should have been looking out for me. “Whatever.” And then his eyes shift to mine, narrowing. “How would you know?”

I shrug. “No reason.”

“Bullshit. You fucked him, didn’t you?”

I slap his shoulder. “Don’t be nasty. I’m not telling you.”

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