Page 38 of Saving Barrette

“Yes, I wouldn’t lie to you about that. We’re friends. We should just keep it that way.”

He shifts slightly, his eyes searching mine when he asks, “If I were to kiss you now, what would you do?”

“Tell you to stop.” My words are shaky, the nervousness in my stomach rolling. “I… love Asa.”

He snorts and twists his body away from me. “Everyone loves the golden boy. Their favorite football hero.”

I don’t reply. I don’t think he’s looking for a reply. I do think, jealous much? It’s a known fact Roman has always been jealous of Asa. He’s not the only one. I swear in middle school, if there was ever a poll for most loved, and most hated, Asa topped both lists unanimously, and was feared by just as many. To me, he’s always going to be the boy who saved me, but to others, they see him differently. He’s that guy, the one with the intimidating presence yet the smirk that draws you in and teases, tempts, only for him to ignore you completely. I know very well the clout he has around school. I just don’t see that side of him. I see the one holding me in the early hours of the morning and promising to see me through it regardless of what I can’t give him.

We’re quiet after that. Roman concentrates on his phone and then looks at me. I glance at his phone. He’s texting Codey, but all I focus on is the last reply from Roman that says,She’s not up for it I tried, bro.

What? He tried what? My eyes drift to his. He’s breathing heavily and I notice he’s lifted his leg, his foot flat on my bed. I don’t know why, but my stare hits his hands. My heart races, my stomach twisting. It’s one memory I have of that night. The man’s hand next to my head. I remember he had a tattoo on his hand. Roman doesn’t have any tattoos.

With an aggravated sigh, Roman leans forward and tucks his phone in his back pocket. Standing, he tugs at the front of his jeans. My throat feels tight, knowing why he’s doing that. Had our conversation made him hard? But why? That’s weird, isn’t it? “I gotta head out. Practice first thing in the morning.”

I nod, and he leaves without another word. When he closes the door behind him, nausea hits me. I reach for my pillow and curl my arms around it. The idea of Roman wanting me, I don’t like it. I feel disgusted with myself and angry for no reason. I’m glad I didn’t have sex with Roman back in high school. I know I would have regretted it.

My skin crawls to the point I start itching my skin obsessively.

She’s not up for it I tried, bro.What did that mean and why didn’t I have the guts to call him out on it?

I take a shower thinking it will help, but it doesn’t. I sit on the floor and cry, unable to stop the depression from taking over. You don’t realize how much strength it takes to pull yourself out of a dark place mentally, and tonight, I don’t have it in me.

I want Asa here, and I want so badly to tell him what Roman said to me, but I know if I do, he’ll go after him. He can’t. I can’t let him ruin his career over me. If he knew Roman had been in my room, alone with me, he’d be angry. Furious. And maybe even betrayed, though it meant nothing.

IT’S 4:00 A.M. I know Asa has his workout at five and him still being here means he’s running late. He texted me an hour ago and said he couldn’t wait another minute to see me. After what happened with Roman, I knew I needed him here more than anything, erasing the uneasiness with his body next to mine.

His breath expels in a gasp when I arch my back against his chest. He’s gripping my sheets and whispering words I can’t make out but sound like fuck and something else. With him cursing in my ear, I don’t feel dirty. I feel complete and needy, sexy and irresistible to him.

I push the palms of my hands to his face and bring his kiss to my lips. I’m searching for comfort and he’s the arms I need. I bleed and he tries to compress the wound. I crash, and he catches me, trying to hold the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“Jesus.” He grunts. Sitting back on his knees, he brings my legs over his shoulders, his hands on my upper thighs driving me into each thrust.

I cry out in pleasure, pleasure only he gives me.

Asa’s body slumps forward. My legs part and his forehead rests against mine, sweat-covered and panting, we make eye contact. “I never want to go three days without you again,” he whispers. His thrusts come faster now and he’s louder than before, panting and grunting with each movement, his chest sliding against mine.

I can feel when he’s close, but he stops for a moment, attempting to hold himself off but he can’t. He comes, unable to stop, the sudden fullness inside me as he swells, twitching as he releases. But he doesn’t pull out; instead, he mumbles against my lips, voice like gravel ripping my wounds open, “One more…” and goes for another.

I want that too. I want more I just don’t know how to give it, so I wrap my legs around him, drawing him in deeper. He groans at the position as his lips finally find mine. “Does it hurt?” he asks, always concerned if he’s hurting me. “I’ll stop if it hurts.”

I shake my head, my hands threading through his wet hair. “No. Don’t stop. It’s so good.”

A shiver works its way through me when he gives me more of his weight, his hands moving to under my bottom, driving himself into me a little harder. “Still okay?” He breaths heavily against my lips, his voice trembling.

I nod. “Harder.”

“What?”

“Do it harder,” I beg.

His body goes rigid, every muscle tensing. His eyes lock on mine. “No,” he says, sternly.

Tears flood my eyes. “Please? I know you want to.” My words are broken and frantic. I don’t want to lose the connection we have, but I need him to do this. If I was ever going to be okay, I had to have this. Or at least I thought that. If I had the good inside him, maybe the bad consuming my thoughts wouldn’t be so hard.

He touches my face, his thumb brushing over my cheek and the permanent reminder I have from that night. “I can’t hurt you. I won’t.”

“I’m not asking you to. I just want you… in that way. I want to see the man I know is in there. The one I know wants tofuck me.” I used Roman’s words. I’ve never said anything this crass to him before. Ever.

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