Page 51 of Saving Barrette

“Unfortunately, Asa, it might always be that way for her for the rest of her life.”

I nod, thankful she said that to me. From the day I held Barrette in the shower, I knew her life, and mine would never be the same. I understood that at any moment, even if she was happy, darkness could creep back in and she’d be back to square one. She couldn’t, even when she tried, just snap out of it. I had to give her time. Her time frame, not mine, and I needed to let go of the fact that if she didn’t want to report it, I couldn’t make her.

Carlin reaches for my hand. “You’re exactly the kind of friend she needs.”

I’ve never given Carlin the credit she deserves. I’m curious to know how she even puts up with my dad, but she’s a good woman and I know I’ve never given her a chance to be a mother to me, though she’s been a better parental figure than my dad has been over the years.

I DON’T DOmuch Thanksgiving Day, but I do offer to head into town to help Carlin pick up some last-minute things at the store. Needing to clear my head, I look up the one grocery store in Olympia that happens to be open. But I don’t go there just yet. I make a stop. The moment I round the inlet and set sight on the towering pine trees, Barrette’s words come to mind.

I can’t give you closure.

I still can’t shake it, and then I think, maybe, if I return to the woods, maybe I might find closure there. When my mom died, I went home to our house and lay in her garden. In the middle of the backyard with bugs and birds attacking me, I’d lain down and looked up at the sky. I’d felt at ease knowing she wasn’t in any pain any longer.

So I make the incredibly bad decision to head out to the water by Roman’s parents’ house. Guess who came home for Thanksgiving? Yeah, that motherfucker.

Lucky for me, most of the woods on the inlet are public land so I won’t get caught for trespassing. You know damn well he’d call the police on me at this point.

The walk through the woods is eerily familiar, only it’s different. It’s cold, wet, and muddy. Moss covers the tree trunks in every corner, and I think about turning back because I can barely breathe let alone not shake to death with how cold it is today. A layer of frost clings to the breaks in trees, giving the ones that have fallen to the ground a slippery grip.

I know the exact spot it happened. I’ll never forget it. With a sigh, I lay down on the ground where I found her and think to myself, this a new level of fucked-up. What the fuck is wrong with me? “You’ve lost your mind,” I tell myself, sitting up.

I feel something sharp under my hand and lift it immediately, looking down. Nothing cut me but when I look at the ground, that’s when my heart stops beating. Hell, the entire fucking world stops in that moment. Nothing. No air. No sounds… it could have ended, and I wouldn’t have known.

It’s a hat. A familiar one. And though I know this could be just a coincidence, it’s not. I rip it up out of the ground from under the leaves it’d been buried in. A purple North Thurston Rams hat.

Do you know where this is going? No? Pay close attention to this next part.

I don’t want to be right. I don’t, but something tells me my discovery is spot. Fucking. On.

With hatred in my steps, I make my way through the woods and to Roman’s door. I pound my fist into the door. His dad answers, tries to make small talk and invite me in. Remy hugs me, as does his mom, but they can tell by the way I’m shaking, something’s up.

“Where’s Roman?” I bark, barely able to get the words out as I grip the hat in my hands. I take a breath and look down, noticing my clenched hand is trembling.

Roman walks into the room. He sees me, rolls his eyes, and then steps onto the front deck closing the door behind me. His body is tense, his face pale as he looks at the hat, then me. “You bring back my shirt, now my hat… what’s next, my used condoms?”

“I want you to tell me why.”

He groans and flops his head to the side. “What are you talking about?”

I toss his hat on the ground at his feet.Calm down, fucker. Calm down before you lose it.We’re silent for a long moment. I step toward him, inches from his face. Silence falls between us. It’s heavy and loud, or maybe it’s just in my head. My body sizzles with adrenaline, my voice shaking when I say, “You have one option. You turn yourself in.”

“Or what?” Roman asks, a bitter edge to his words, his face blank and masking his emotions. “A fucking hat doesn’t prove shit, Asa.” His eyes slide over my face contemplating his next move. “I live here, or did you forget? Just because you found my hat in the woods doesn’t mean I had anything to do with it.”

Did you catch the slip?

Snow hits my face and makes me regret the words,“Let’s go to Bellingham.”

In the winter, it’s so cold and usually covered under a thick layer of snow. I love snow, though. It’s peaceful and everything I needed. “Your parents are the best!”

“They are.” Joey smiles as her dad, who has two little boys attached to his legs and a squirt gun in his hand spraying down the basketball court so they can slide on the ice.

“Do they know?” I don’t have to expand on my vagueness for her to understand. She knows.

“Yeah, they unfortunately had to take me in for a while when I went through my ‘shock and awe’ phase.”

“The what?”

Joey adjusts her black scarf around her neck and shivers, wrapping her arms around her waist when the wind picks up. “You’d think with my layer of beauty I’d be warmer, but I’m not.” And then she looks over at me, a sadness in her eyes. “I went through every motion you did. I was sixteen and didn’t know any better. So afterward, I basically shut down for months. The only reason I’m not a crackhead or in a mental hospital is because of my parents.”

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