Page 63 of Saving Barrette

“But you do know better.” I look over at him. “I’m just laughing that we start a conversation with boundaries and now look at us.”

He moves to his side, propping his head up by stealing my pillow from me. “I’ve never been able to tell you no.”

“Ha.” I snort. “You told me no when I asked you to take my virginity.”

This one earns me an eye roll. “Only because I knew if I did, I wouldn’t leave.” His hand reaches out to touch my cheek. “There was no way I could take that from you and still disappear from your life.”

When he talks like that, it all makes sense. Everything he’s ever said to me, did for me, all of it. He really is here for me. No matter what. And then I think, what did I do to deserve this? How’d I get so lucky?

The realization flashes over my face, like a revelation of sorts.

He touches my cheek and then reaches for my hand. He brings our hands to his mouth, slowly kissing my knuckles. “Now do you see that you’re everything to me?”

I nod. “I do.” And then I think about when he left and how badly it hurt me to know he gave his virginity to Heather Randal. Why though? “But I have one more question.”

“Anything you want to know, I’ll tell you.”

“Why Heather Randal?”

At first he stares at me, his expression one of confusion. “Huh?”

“Heather. Randal. Why did you have sex with her two days before you left?”

The anger hits him in an instant, like a flash of lightning through the sky. Quick. And honestly, beautiful. Every emotion he has is incredible with the way they play on his expressions before I feel it hit me. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He narrows his gaze at me, a frown puckering his brow. “Ineverslept with her.”

My eyebrows furrow. “What? But Roman said—”

Asa’s runs a hand through his hair, his breathing kicking up. “That motherfucker.” Pain smears over his face, quickly replaced by a look of disgust.

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I drag my lower lip through my teeth and stare at him.

“Of course he had to fucking take that too,” he sneers, his tone dark and low, his breathing fanning my face gently when he turns me to look at him. “I’veneverbeen with anyone but you. Never even kissed another girl.”

Tears push their way down my cheeks. I blink, fast, surprised, confused at his admission. “You… didn’t?”

He shakes his head without saying anything. My entire world shifts. It’s crazy to think, but it does. The room feels like it’s closing in on me and I’m trapped in a corner, unable to escape. Tears blind me now. Roman. He took it from me so I couldn’t give it to Asa. I know that now. When my eyes meet Asa’s, my heart flips in my chest. His expression is one of devastation.

I don’t ever want to see this expression on his face again. I twist in his arms, holding his face in my hands. “Nobody can take from you what you didn’t give them. I don’t care what they took, what he took, I gave it to you.”

His face is unreadable, the muscles unmoving. He doesn’t even blink.

I take in a breath, leaning forward, and press my lips to his. “The past doesn’t matter. It’s what we make of the future.”

His warm breath tickles my lips as he whispers, “I love you even at our darkest moments.” He presses his lips to mine, once. The idea, the clarity that he’d waited for me, it pierces my skin like a papercut. Sharp. Precise. Burning. The gravity of it weighs on me. He’d had so many opportunities, yet he remained true to me. Drawing back, we stare at one another, tears in our eyes. His hand moves from my cheek to my jaw, slanting my head up. “You’ve been my only.”

My heart swells in my chest to the point I think it might burst into flames for him. His love, it’s a sensation. There’s no need for him to reach out and touch me. I feel him without being touched, and finally, finally I understand it, despite his assurance it had been there all along. You can’t make yourself believe someone loves you when you think you’re unlovable because of what happened to you. You can’t get there until your mind is ready. And mine happens right before his eyes.

If I could rewrite the past, I would, but maybe it wouldn’t look like this if I did. What happened to me, to us, it sucks. It’s dirty and vindictive, but it brought Asa to me, and I don’t know if it would have happened otherwise.

Am I okay now? Did I magically become fixed?

No. Not even close.

And though I honestly feel like I may never be,this, having him and knowing our future is together, I’m slowly putting that puzzle together again, one broken piece at a time.

“I don’t want to leave this room.”

“Me either.” I sigh and pick through the last of Barrette’s Sour Patch Kids. “But I’m starving and you’ve worn me out.”

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