Page 76 of Saving Barrette

Beside me, Cadence stands with a cautious smile on her face, her cheeks still red from crying. “I’ll get going.”

“No, stay.” I reach for her hand, refusing to let her leave. “Have some pizza with us.”

“I shouldn’t. You guys have your own thing going.” Her eyes drift to Terrell and Joey. “I don’t want to impose.”

“You’re not,” Asa says, winking at her as he sets the two boxes on the counter.

“What’s that smell?” Terrell asks, squinting his eyes at Asa. “Did you burn something again?”

“No,” he lies, smiling. He still can’t lie without smiling.

Terrell lectures him on oven safety and fire statistics for removing the batteries on a fire alarm. All of which Asa blows off. “I’ll put the batteries back in.” Terrell gives him a look that screams “do it now.” So he does. “You’re being ridiculous.”

Terrell snorts and looks at the receipt from the pizza Asa picked up. “No, what’s ridiculous is that you spent forty dollars on two pizzas when this one was ten dollars. If you wouldn’t have burned it, you would have saved yourself thirty.”

“Oh my God, leave him alone.” Joey knocks her hand against Terrell’s burly chest. “It’s his money.”

Ignoring Terrell’s speech on our money spending, which happens daily, Asa makes his way over to me, his arms around my shoulder. He watches me for a moment and then asks, “You okay?”

I smile. “That depends.”

“On?”

“If you got me a pepperoni and pineapple pizza.”

He rolls his eyes. “I know better.” He does. And then he watches me, waiting for my real answer.

“Cadence is just struggling with the reality of it all,” I tell him, knowing any mention of Roman will only set him off. My eyes drift to Cadence, who’s now sitting with Terrell and Joey in the kitchen, a glass of wine in her hand. I hadn’t thought about our situation in terms of a new reality for anyone but myself. Asa, Joey, Terrell, Cadence, Remy, Roman’s parents, the football team, every single person involved in that trial or who had been there for us through it, they were all affected. Now here we were, months later, still trying to adjust and it’s not going to be easy.

I’m a firm believer now that everyone in your life plays a role. Even the villains. They might be the one testing you, and in the same sense, using you. They might love you, but then turn around and teach you a lesson in heartache. The ones who are truly important, they bring out the best in you, keep you fighting and in turn, remind you that it’s worth it to keep them in your life.

Love is supposed to be selfless, not selfish.

10 months later

The Exuma Cays

Bahamas

“This much skin should be illegal.” I think there should be certain times in your life where you wear a bikini, and times when you shouldn’t. For me, it’s the shouldn’t. Always. It’s not that I have anything against them, it’s just for me personally, I don’t like to show that much skin anymore. It’s a fear, really, one I haven’t outgrown and at this point, I’m beginning to think I never will. But here I am, wearing a bikini and staring at myself in the full-length mirror, sweat beading on my forehead with the insane humidity suffocating me. “I don’t know about this.” I curl my hands around my waist, hiding myself. “It’s too much.”

Joey sighs and gives me a look that says “You’re kidding.” When I don’t budge, she lays it on thick. “The trial’s over and scumbag is at least in jail still. Your boy won the Heisman Trophy this year… we’re celebrating.” She fans herself. “Holy shit, it’s fuckin’ hot here.”

Joey’s right. We have a lot to celebrate. I just wasn’t so sure I wanted to do it half-dressed. “We can still celebrate fully clothed.”

She puts her hand on her hip and twirls. “Girl, I’m a size fourteen… and I’m wearing a fucking bikini next to a girl who’s the size of my leg.” She stares at me with confidence. “And I’m going to rock it like I own it. Because I do, but you need to let go. You need to embrace the fact that you control your environment. They don’t.”

I know exactly what she’s referring to. And even though I’ve gone to therapy and I’ve talked endlessly in support groups about my fears, they don’t just go away. I wish they did, but I know enough about trauma to understand it doesn’t work that way.

But I can make an effort. I keep the bikini on and slip my dress over it. Joey does the same and reaches for her bag on the bed. I watch her, the confidence that exudes from her and I think about what it’s like to have that kind of self-worth. She doesn’t question anything, and then that gets me thinking about something that’s been bothering me for a while.

Sex.

Asa and I haven’t had much trouble in that department, but it’s… how do I say this right… vanilla sex? Maybe that’s the right word. Given my history, he’s always very careful and gentle with me. Which, I appreciate, but there’s more to an intimate relationship, isn’t there? I shouldn’t be afraid to try new things.

“Joey, can I ask you something personal?”

She smiles. “Yeah, anything.”

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