Page 82 of Saving Barrette

“Your hands.” My words tremble though I don’t mean for them to. “Your hands gripping the sheets…. I remember his hands when he was on top of me. His knuckles were white.”

Asa sighs, his jaw clenching. He lets go of me and then lays back on the bed. But then he jerks his head to mine. “We’re not doing that again.”

I glare at him. “Yes, we are, Asa.”

“No.”

Anger shoots through me. “Yes, we will.” I move away from him and stand next to the bed. “And I’m going to get really good at sucking your dick and you’re going to come in my mouth. Maybe even all over my face. Something dirty. I’m going to be the best blow-job giver and you’re gonna be begging me for it.” Before I know it, I’m yelling at him and he’s laughing. “Why in the heck are you laughing at me? Stop it.”

He doesn’t. He’s laughing so hard his chest is shaking, his eyes dancing with amusement. “It’s just funny hearing you say shit like dick and telling me I’m gonna come on your face.”

Nice. He’s making fun of me. “Ugh, you’re such a jerk.” I turn away from him and stalk toward the bathroom. Slamming the door shut, I use the bathroom and then when I’ve calmed down—not really—I open the door to find him there. “What do you want?”

He guides me back into the shower, still smiling and turns it on. “Practice makes perfect.”

Water hits my body, but when he pushes down on my shoulders to bring me to my knees, he winks down at me. I’ve never seen this side of him, so sure of what he wants sexually with me. He’s been just as reserved as me when it comes to trying new things, always afraid of what it will do to me. But this time, this time he’s showing me what he wants, and once more, it gives me the courage I need. Maybe that’s what had been missing before. His sureness that I can do this.

Water beads down his chest and I take him in my hand again. He smiles. “I really want to come in your mouth this time.”

And he does. He talks me through it all, telling me how much he loves it and how fucking sexy I am, and then he comes in my mouth. It’s… weird. I had no idea what it’d taste like, but I’m not exactly a fan of it. He laughs when I spit it out in the shower.

“I said you could come in my mouth, not that I’d swallow.”

Another laugh as he moves toward the spray. “Quitter.” I slap his shoulder only to have him yank me toward him. “I’m kidding.”

“I know.”

He cups my cheeks, his words sincere when he whispers, “I’m proud of you.”

“I’m proud of you.”

His fingers brush the tattoo on my chest just above my left breast. The one that reads,“Sometimes fear does not subside and one must chose to do it afraid.”It’s a quote by Elizabeth Elliot, and the quote he placed inside the mason jar he gave me the day he won the Heisman Trophy. On a day where we should have been celebrating Asa, he gave me the words I needed to hear to keep pushing forward because he knew I needed them.

That tattoo, it’s a reminder that it’s okay to have fears.

His hold reminds me of the night after I was released in the hospital, when he was holding me because I couldn’t even draw in a breath without thinking I was going to fall to the floor and crumble completely. But this time, his hold means so much more because he’s not supporting me any longer. I’m standing with him.

When I first started going to therapy, Lexi told me, you tell your story when you’re ready. I loved that she said that to me because it was as if she was giving me the okay to move at my own pace. She gave me control. I didn’t have it completely, fear has a way of holding it hostage, but tonight, Asa gave me back that control I thought I’d lost.

“COME WITH ME.”

I sit up and rub my eyes. I look around and notice quickly that it’s not even light outside. I thought we were on vacation and sleeping in. I make eye contact with Asa. He’s smiling. “Where?”

He motions to the windows. “To watch the sunrise.”

I sigh and reach for my dress next to the bed. “Are there pancakes?”

Asa chuckles and tugs on my hand. “Yeah, they serve them on the beach.”

“Really?”

He sighs. I’m annoying him. “No, but come on.”

I groan, and complain, but I follow him outside our room to where Terrell and Joey are waiting for us. Joey’s holding three coffees. She hands me one, then Asa. “Do you know why we’re up so early?”

“Sunrise,” the guys say together.

Terrell rolls his eyes. “You’d think girls would be up for all this romantic shit.”