Page 10 of Roan

Because of that, this place that’s surrounded by a ten-foot concrete fence and gates, it’s their own personal playground for their destructive behavior. To understand it, to get a sense of what it was like to be around Roan and his brothers, you have to understand how everyone reveres them. And to be here in their presence, they give you a sense of worth. One I’ve spent most of my life trying to become worthy of.

Devyn and I make our way over to the bar. Ricky serves us a drink. While we’re standing there, Tiller approaches and eyes Devyn. He probably doesn’t even remember that he slept with her a year ago.

“Back for more?”

“Who are you talking to?” Devyn asks, a permanent look of disgust on her face when she looks at him. He has that effect on you.

Tiller smirks, his heavy-lidded eyes focused somewhere in the distance. He leans into the bar, his muscles flexing as he reaches for a bottle, his shorts hanging low on his hips that if you look close enough, I think, no, IknowI can see his dick hanging out. Being naked here is just something you have to get used to. He nods to Devyn, then me. “Both of you.”

I fight the urge to take the beer in his hand and smash it against his head. “You’re a monster.”

And then comes the wink. “You’ve never known me to be any different,” he says, his voice relaxed, slow, a product of whatever it is he’s been doing tonight. More than likely cocaine and alcohol, on rotation.

You’re probably wondering where Roan is? I know I am and with every paranoid sweep of the backyard my eyes make, I don’t see him anywhere. I mingle with everyone I know, talk to Willa their assistant and practically their mom, chat it up with Ricky, the most compassionate, loving, sweetest man I’ve ever met, and then Devyn and I take a seat at the table. While she nurses a bottle of water, I down three shots and then stick to water.

It’s an hour into the night, closing in on midnight when Roan makes an appearance. Do you notice the way my heart beats wildly in my chest and my hands start shaking? Those are the internal reactions I have anytime he’s near. The physical ones? I can’t hide them. My cheeks flush and I begin to fidget.

Devyn takes notes. “Relax, babe. His loss.”

But is it? Or is it mine? Because looking at him with women surrounding his every move as he makes his way from the house to the pool deck, it certainly feels like my loss. Because in reality, despite him sleeping around, I’m the one who went for blood. I’m the one who took the foundation we’d built and drove a crack through the middle of it only to shake the entire structure.

There are some people you can look at and not see their pain. With Roan, it’s unmistakable, yet, inexpressible. The moment his eyes scan the backyard and land on mine, I’m self-consciously aware that he finds it hard to look at me now. In my defeated state, I chat nervously with Devyn, trying to soften the blow I know is coming when he notices me.

But it doesn’t. For close to twenty minutes, he pretends I’m not here. He approaches when Devyn leaves to use the bathroom, her interest in Shade piquing when she notices he too, is making his way downstairs.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper, but it’s enough to send a distinct chill through my body at the coldness in which it’s delivered. Gone is the man I once found complete comfort in his presence and in his place, a shell of the man I love. Even after everything, yes, I love him. And sadly, if he said he was sorry, I’d probably forgive him.

You’ll never hear the wordsI’m sorryfall from his lips. Ever.

I draw in a calming breath. I attempt to be normal and not affected by him. “I just came to see my dad,” I force out, trying desperately to cling to a calmness I never have in his presence.

He sits down next to me, and my heart jumps at the possibility that maybe he missed me too. For years we’ve talked every single day, either through texting or here. These last three weeks have been exhausting not having him around.

He too sighs. He lifts a hand through his hair and I notice the drink in his other. “When do you leave?”

I wish I could reach out, grab his face and tell him I love him and that I’m sorry, but the girl in me, the stubborn one who’s usually ruled out, sulks. “Middle of August.”

He nods and says nothing in return. An awkward silence fills the space between us. Our eyes catch, and while I want to see sadness in his, it’s not there. He’s still angry.

“Are you still going to Florida to train for Erzberg? My dad said Honda wants you to represent the USA.”

He raises an eyebrow, his eyes on the party behind me and Tiller once again, jumping a BMX bike into the pool. It’s like a game to see who, if anyone, he can kill and him hoping it’s himself. Roan’s jaw clenches and those too-beautiful blue eyes finally meet mine. I can feel the tension rolling off him. “Keeping tabs on me?”

“I still care about you.”

“Really? Hate and love must be the same in your book.”

I place my shaking hand on my hip. “You called me a vindictive bitch. What was I supposed to say?”

“Maybe you should have started with your actions, not words.”

I roll my eyes and let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have had sex with him and I’m sorry.” There. I said it. “I was just jealous and made a rash decision. You can’t tell me you haven’t made one a time or two.”

I wait to see what his next words will be. Maybe he’ll apologize too and we can move on. Not likely, but a girl can at least hope.

He smirks, and I hate the kick it gives my heart. “Don’t test my patience. You’ll find I have none.” My eyes drop to his hands, and I realize they are shaking. His eyes scan the party and I know what he’s doing. He’s looking for my dad. When he’s satisfied with what he sees, he grabs me by the hips and scoots me closer. Sharing the same space, inches apart, all his bravado has been replaced with vulnerability. Then, with hesitation and softness I’m familiar with, his lips meet mine and though my heart tells me it’s wrong, my body always betrays me and gives in to him regardless of the consequences.

Don’t do this. Don’t… push away from him and give yourself the advantage.

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