Page 40 of Roan

I watch the swish of the windshield wipers. My heart pounds in my chest, my words barely heard over the beat. “I… love you, too.”

Did you pick up the hesitation? If I had to guess, Agustin does too. He doesn’t offer to walk me inside, nor does he say goodbye. My throat tightens watching him pull away, rain hitting my face and obscuring my vision of him leaving.

Unable to move, the air grows heavy, the scent of rain heady and familiar. A stillness falls over the street, a crack of thunder rolling through me. For a moment, everything is silent in the wake, even the wind.

With hurried steps and my jacket covering my head, I let myself into our condo and the moment the door closes, emotion bubbles over and I cry, but this time the sobs come harder, with more frustration. I drop my wet jacket on the floor, my shoes squeaking against the tile. I reach out to the wall and slide down it, gripping legs and hoping for comfort, but it doesn’t come.

The rain hits the windows outside in loud bursts with each gust of wind. I sit on the floor in the dark watching the lightning scatter streaks across the sky.

At some point, I begin to wonder why I’m crying, yet it feels so familiar. I can’t even begin to tell you how many nights I spent doing this very same thing after leaving Roan’s house wondering why wasn’t I good enough, why I’d always been too young, too naïve, for him to truly give himself to me?

I think back to a night with him, the one that led to my resentment, the one that changed everything about our relationship today.

…

It was nearing the end of spring and I was two weeks shy of eighteen, careless as the ones around me. Excitement buzzes in the air, the guys reeling off the X Games wins.

Except for Roan. I hadn’t seen him all night and if I had to guess, he was holed up in his room, drunk, away from the prying eyes of the ones looking for him. Me included.

With Ice Cube flowing through the yard, I sat by the pool, my feet kicked up on a lounge chair. There was a large group of Tiller’s friends, plus Shade, sitting across from me. Devyn was on my lap, her arms wrapped around my neck, telling me how good a friend I was for bringing her here. Devyn was a mellow drunk, but she’d had too much this time. This time she was looking to capture a twenty-year-old Shade’s attention and by the bikini she was wearing, she had it.

Devyn slid off my lap and into the seat now empty, next to Shade. “Do this shot with me,” she said, nodding to Tiller who’d produced a clear bottle and sent it our way. The label was missing.

I didn’t question it. These guys were like my brothers. They wouldn’t hurt me.

Tiller poured equal amounts of what, I didn’t know, into our red plastic cups.

“I’m curious,” Tiller drawled, his eyes sleepy. Fresh off a win with the X Fights last night, Tiller had done at least two lines of cocaine already, leaving his dark eyes black as the night. “You been kissed yet, little girl?”

I rolled my eyes. He had no idea the things I’d done in this house.

“She’s been kissed by Ledger!” Devyn busted out, suddenly moving to sit on Shade’s lap. He had his arm around her, leaning into her, kissing her neck.

Ledger, Tiller’s friend who, yes, I had kissed at one time, circled over to us, his arm around me. I had to laugh because if Roan had been downstairs, Ledger wouldn’t have been within a foot of me.

I wasn’t sure why Tiller asked if I had been kissed before, but Ledger looked at me with the question, liquor-glossed eyes, his red cup at his lips, smiling. The way he looked at me made me think he knew the things I’d done with Roan, but I wasn’t sure. Our eyes stayed locked.

I’d had too much to drink. That was evident. It was a nice distraction outside my own head. I wanted to be present, having fun like I should have been, not distracted over someone who didn’t give me the same consideration.

Ledger whispered, “He’ll kill me if he finds out I touched you in any way.”

For the most part, what Roan and I had went unspoken, but his claim on me didn’t. I wondered what Roan would do if he knew. I never told him.

My stomach flipped at the thought. Would he care?

Twenty minutes later, Roan made his way downstairs.

Pushing myself back, I created distance between Ledger and me. He looked confused, and it probably didn’t help that my eyes were now starting to water. Within a second, he spotted Roan and gave me the knowing smirk. “Hey, man. Nice of you to join the living.”

“What the fuck does it matter to you?” Roan asked, his tone hard and accusing, and then he shifted his scowl to mine.

I saw a woman behind him, walking too close. A tall blonde who I recognized as a Monster Energy model. He wasn’t holding her hand, but it was clear she was with him, or had been recently. Had she been in his room with him?

Roan looked trashed already, and the girl, high, swollen red lips and bloodshot eyes.

Shade bumped Roan’s fist. Roan lazily returned the gesture, glancing up to him briefly, and then our eyes met. I saw his anger in the whites of his knuckles holding the beer in his hand.

I put on a courageous smile, hoping he didn’t see through me.

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