Page 81 of Roan

Just as my attention is diverted, Berlin hops up from the floor where I’m attempting to get pajamas on her and takes off around the corner and down the stairs to the basement. Have you been in my house? Do you know what’s on the lower level of this place?

A candy wall.

Four-year-old + Candy wall = Bad night for me.

I take off after her, chasing a buck-naked kid through the house and I have this moment when I think, this house used to be filled with naked chicks and drugs. I can’t say I miss those days either.

River follows me down there. “I want candy,” she says, pointing to the wall.

I stare at the wall, panting. Chasing kids isn’t for the weak. It’s then I realize how bad an idea this wall really is. It’s like being insideCharlie and the Chocolate Factory’s house, only with every type of candy you can imagine. We even have a Slurpee machine down here.

“If you help me find Berlin, I’ll give you whatever you want.” Her eyes light up. “But we have to get this on her.” I hold the pull-up I was specifically told to put on her before bed.

At first she frowns at me, but then she looks up at the candy wall. “Fine.”

I hate to say this, but finding a child who likes to hide is fucking hard. After ten minutes, we find her next to the bowling lanes we have, rolling balls across the floor. I scoop her up, trip over the balls and then land on my back with both kids on top of me, laughing.

Here’s where it goes terribly wrong.

Berlin’s sitting on my stomach. Naked. And then to my horror, she pees on me.

My eyes widen in terror feeling the warmth soaking through my shirt and River, the goddamn traitor she is, stands up and walks away. “I changed my mind. I don’t want candy that bad.”

“We’re not friends anymore!” I tell her, lifting Berlin off me.

“I don’t care,” River yells from the distance.

I stare at Berlin, then my wet shirt. “I can’t believe you just did that.”

She smacks my face with her bunny. Yeah, God forbid she lose the bunny. And he’s dry.

After I get the pull-up on her, and pajamas, I pay River fifty bucks to watch Berlin and I take a two-minute shower while they sit on my bathroom floor. Eating candy. Yes, I caved.

I’m awakened with a shake of my shoulders. I’ll point out something now, to save you the time of asking yourself, what the fuck? I don’t have the best memory. It’s partly because of all the concussions, and mostly because of a few too many trips to Peru where I did enough cocaine to kill most men. Also, there was a questionable trip to Machu Picchu, because of the cocaine where I met a dude named Wombat, or I think that was his name, anyways, I’m pretty sure he cursed my memory that day with a tea he made me drink.

But you probably don’t care about any of that, and I don’t even know where I was going with it. See? Memory.

Anyways, do you notice the dark shadow above me and the sniffles? Someone is standing over me.

Prying one eye open, I notice it’s Ophelia and she’s crying. I try to sit up, but then I realize I have two kids using me as their pillow. Ophelia helps me up, her tears slow, but steady.

And then she stares at me, as if I’m supposed to say something.

I run my hand over my face. “What’s wrong?” I ask, and then regret those two words because I should know. I know this girl. I know when her hands shake, she hasn’t eaten in a couple of days. I know when she pulls her hair up in a ponytail, she’s feeling confident enough in her own skin to reveal herself a little more. I also know that when she bites her bottom lip, she’s horny. When she giggles and covers her mouth, she’s embarrassed. So I should know that when she looks at me with complete devastation, the same way she looked at me when she was twelve and sitting in a hospital bed wanting a friend, that this situation is similar.

“He….” She doesn’t get the words out, I pry the kids off me and scoop Ophelia up in my arms. I hold her tight to my chest. Stepping backward, I move to the chair with her, across from the sleeping kids, and I don’t let go. With my chin resting on the top of her head, her body shakes with silent cries, her tears soaking my shirt.

I don’t say anything. I hold her. Like I should have the night I let her believe this lie, and like I wanted to when I finally confessed. I do everything I can think to do that would seal my title in the best boyfriend club, but still, I’m not entirely sure it’s enough. I don’t know because I can’t see her face.

The room’s dark, the TV hanging above the fireplace flickering theFrozenmenu, the reflection of me holding her mirrored in the large windows overlooking the backyard. I stare at the window, looking at us. Me holding her. Her finally letting me. That in itself is beautiful.

After twenty minutes, and Berlin snoring louder than her dad, River’s awake and Ophelia’s stopped crying. In the next second, River peels herself off the couch, glares at Berlin and her snoring, and then stomps upstairs.

That’s when Ophelia shifts and straddles my lap. I touch her face, brush my thumb over her cheeks, swiping away the last of her tears. I don’t say anything. I wait for her.

Slowly, her swollen eyes lift to mine. She kisses me, just once, and then draws back. “You’re the most loyal person I know.”

I don’t say anything, not at first. I wait to see where she’s going with this.

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