Page 65 of Dirt Driven

“When I walked away, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was scared. And fear and racing do not go hand and hand. But as I got older, the pull to race was stronger. My life wouldn’t be complete without this. It’s in my blood. When I’m behind the wheel, that’s the only time in my life I truly feel alive.”

I searched his eyes for an answer. “Are you scared?”

His lashes fluttered. “I don’t go out there thinking I’m immortal, if that’s what you’re asking. There’s no place for fear out there. That’s when it’s dangerous. That’s when you walk away.”

Would Rager walk away after this? Would he want to race? I hadn’t considered that, until now. I automatically assumed he’d want to continue, but fear would definitely play a factor in all this.

I ended up leaving Casten with Kinsley after that and checked on Rager. By the time I got up to his room, they had already removed the tube. He was in bed, staring at the wall as they did some breathing treatments with him. His lung had recovered really well, and the only lasting dilemma was his broken ribs that made moving around hard.

I waited until the doctors were finished before I went over to him. He breathed in, short and quick and then turned his head to mine. “Where are the kids?”

“They’re with my mom at the hotel. I was going to bring them by tonight to see you.”

He lifted his head in a tight nod and then grunted and shifted in the bed.

“Does your head hurt?”

He swallowed, and I was sure it was painful having the tube in his throat for so long. “My neck is just sore.”

“Probably to be expected.”

“What happened?”

My face paled. I didn’t want to tell him like this, but I also feared him finding out from someone else and being angry that I hadn’t told him. “Caden flipped, somehow. We still don’t know why or what happened, but from what Axel saw, he thought he tagged the wall and cut a tire.” I watched Rager’s face closely, fearing at any minute it’d be too much for him to hear this. He kept his expression vague. “You didn’t see him or didn’t have enough time to react and hit him on the top of his roll cage.”

Another quick breath in and he finally asked, “Is he okay?”

“He’s alive….” My voice trailed off, anticipating his next question.

His stare remained intent on mine. “You know what I mean.”

I licked my lips, my eyes intent on his. “He had a skull fracture, broke his neck at C7, but his back… he’s broke pretty badly in his chest and damaged his spinal cord. As of now, until the swelling goes down and they can see the extent of the damage… he’s paralyzed from the waist down.”

I didn’t want to tell him that and by the agony in his eyes, he didn’t want to hear it. And I was sure anybody could imagine why. Here he’d been the guy that hit him, unintentionally, but he did. Caden’s career ended because Rager hit him. Sure, that wasn’t why, but that was all Rager heard.

He too cried. That was all we could do. There was no answer. There was no, “it’s okay. This isn’t the worst thing ever.” Because it was to us.

I BROUGHT THEkids by so Rager could see them later that evening. They hadn’t seen him awake yet. You would have thought it was Christmas morning with how excited they were. Bristol wouldn’t stop talking, Pace held his hand, and Knox was convinced he was a super hero.

Because Rager told him he was. And Hudson, he crawled up on the bed with Rager, though I know it hurt him and laid with him. For a kid that never showed much affection, it was the sweetest thing I’d ever seen him do.

With all three kids in bed with him, Rager closed his eyes, a faint smile ghosting his lips and whispered, “Thank you,” to me as I stood beside him.

I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face for the first time in days.

Mom was right.

I’d count my miracles where I got them and hold onto the fact that this was meant to be. For whatever reason, we were meant for this to happen. Now we needed to change our times, repair the engine, and get out of the work area.

Collected – When a car is caught in an incident that they did not cause. If a car spins and is struck by a second car to a stop, the second car is said to be collected.

It took another three weeks before Rager was released from the hospital, Memorial Day weekend while the Outlaws were in Nashville. I could tell you all kinds of things that happened in those twenty-two days, like Rager needing another surgery for another bleed in his head. Or that Caden had five surgeries in that time to repair his neck, back, and another to repair his damaged spleen.

I could tell you that Rager wasn’t himself. He didn’t talk much and didn’t want the kids in the hospital after that first visit. I stayed with him while my mom had the kids back at home in a place where they knew their surroundings and had some sense of normalcy we didn’t have at the moment.

I wasn’t sure what being released would mean for Rager, or how he’d react to being home. During the off-season he got antsy after Christmas and couldn’t wait to return to racing even though he’d only been at home for less than a month. As we sat now, he wouldn’t be returning to racing until late August if we were lucky.

On a Thursday, with the sun shining, we made the drive back home to Mooresville. We couldn’t fly because of the recent surgeries, so we drove. It was hard leaving Kinsley in the hospital, but I felt better knowing her parents were there with her, and Caden’s mom.

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