Page 79 of Dirt Driven

Every time a doctor walked by, fear pricked my skin at what could go wrong.

As I wandered through the hospital, I found an empty corner and leaned against the wall. When I sat against that wall, it hit me. It was sudden, like a wrecking ball to my gut, a reminder of neglect and so many things unsaid between me and my mother. I was going to change that. She needed to know everything about me. I never realized, until then, that I needed her more than I ever thought.

I wanted her to know me in the ways I knew her. I knew her as the giggler, the lover of one man. The woman who stole the hearts of two little boys first and the one I looked up to. She was forty-seven. She was too young to die or go through any of this. This family couldn’t work without her. She was our window net, there to hold us all together.

There was never a time when she wasn’t there for any of us. Never had she shut me out and how had I treated her?

I made more of an effort this last year but I vowed to myself I was changing that now.

As I sat there against the wall, I saw a figure appear at the end of the hall walking toward me. I knew that walk.

He was the last person I would have expected to see at that hospital and strangely, exactly who I wanted and needed to see. Someone who would just be there. His mind wasn’t elsewhere. It was on me and just being there for me and my family.

Rager never said a word, as he slid down the wall and sat beside me. I rested my head on his shoulder, he did the same. His arms wrapped around my shoulders pulling me to his side, so warm and comforting I could have slept against him for the first time in days.

He kept his arm around me, his thumb caressing my shoulder.

Sometimes I wondered where I stood with a lot of people, and even Rager at times. Who was I to this person? To him? Was I Jameson’s only daughter? Was I Easton Levi’s wife? Or was I Arie Riley? A lot of people never saw me for who I was. I could probably count on one hand the ones that did. They couldn’t. Not in the shadows in which I lived. I didn’t want the spotlight. I wanted sunlight, beautiful warm rays where, for once, I was just Arie.

In Rager’s arms, I got a little glimpse of that light and what it felt like to be her. I guess I wanted to forget what was happening, so I laughed. “I had sex with you.”

Rager laughed, a gentle chuckle that shook the both of us. “Damn. I missed it…”

“In my dreams,” I clarified twisting around to look at him. “I had sex with you in my dreams.”

“Oh, well,” he drew in a deep breath. “I’ve been there before. I’d say give me details but that’s probably not appropriate right now, huh?”

“Probably not.”

We were both quiet for a moment when he said, “Tell me your favorite memory of her.”

I smiled knowing what he was doing right now.

He was distracting me but also, helping me look at the good things in this life. I twisted back around and relaxed into his chest. He kept his arm firmly around me as I spoke. “Christmas morning when I was twelve. I wanted tickets to a concert… hell, I don’t even remember the concert but dad said I couldn’t go. She went out, got the tickets and gave them to me for Christmas. My dad was pissed but he understood when he saw how excited I was over it. She never thinks about what others will think. She just focuses on one and makes them feel like they’re appreciated. I don’t even know how she does it. It’s natural for her.”

Rager’s lips pressed into my temple, his breathing light and easy. “You’re like her in more ways than you’ll ever understand.”

Was I? Did everyone else see it and I didn’t?

“I’m tired,” I said, snuggling into him closer. This probably didn’t look good, but he was what I needed right now.

“Well, I’d say lay your head down in my lap but that’s probably not a good idea,” he teased, winking at me.

So what changed from then to now? Where was that guy that constantly showed up when I needed him?

He’d lost his grip on the track is what changed and there was nothing I could do about it.

Mom stayed with me and the kids that day. I didn’t know what I would do without her this last year. As she sat beside me, waiting on me hand and foot, I decided to open up to her. Something I’d never been very good at. I was more of a private person, but I couldn’t handle this on my own anymore. Since Rager’s accident, we hadn’t connected. Sure, we had sex, but it wasn’t the same. Nothing was. I knew it had to do with Caden and then how horrible Knoxville went for Rager, but it felt like more.

Looking over at my mom, I sighed. “After Dad’s accident, and he was out of the hospital, was everything normal between the two of you?”

“Fuck no.” Mom laughed, reaching for her wine. “He was so moody and weird. Understandably so, but still, it was hard for all of us.”

I remembered it, not well, but I did. Dad was distant with everyone as he tried to process not only his dad dying, but the fact he had been involved in the crash that killed him.

“So what did you do to fix it?”

“I watched porn.”

---