Page 100 of Lost in Love

Kelly laughs, rolling her eyes. “That would be okay, but I want you and your truth.”

I’m not entirely sure I know what that means. Guilt begins to surface. It’s my fault she doubted my love. You can only push someone away for so long before they fall off the cliff into self-doubt. I shut her out, and opening up to her was all she needed and everything I feared. I don’t get a reply out before she leans closer, pressure behind her lips this time as she kisses me properly. My palm slides to the side of her neck, holding her still while groans are exchanged and touches soften.

“You have my truth,” I murmur, never wanting to part my lips from hers. Reaching behind her, I unzip her dress. Her hands slip to the buttons of my shirt, fumbling with each one while trying to keep her lips on mine.

We give up kissing and shed the remainder of our clothes. I slip my hand between us, palming her pussy, finding those soft lips wet and ready for me. Flicking my finger across her clit, she shifts away from me, smiling.

With her hands on my shoulders, she pushes me back and turns me, my back to the bed. She forces me to lie down with a gentle shove. “You’ve been the one controlling our nights. Now it’s my turn.”

I nod, the need to claim my girl and bury myself deep inside her is going to have to wait until she’s done. Lacing my hands behind my head, I watch as she straddles me. Once I’m inside, she arches back, riding me, grinding herself into me. From this angle, I can see every inch of her upper body, her tits, the beautiful way her dark hair falls and cascades down her shoulders. She’s fucking stunning when she fucks.

Shit, I’m gonna come.

I fight it off, desperate to watch her come on my cock.

“That’s my girl. Use me to come,” I tell her, fighting off my own orgasm. “There you go,” I grunt, every muscle in my body tensing. “Come on, honey, get it.”

Everything I’m saying drives her forward until she’s shaking on top of me, her pussy tightening around my cock. Her mouth parts and I watch in fascination as she comes, moaning the softest sounds through her orgasm.

I hold onto her tightly, rolling us over so that I’m on top of her. Reaching underneath her, I grab a handful of her ass and drive myself into her, over and over, and over again, watching her tits bounce with each thrust. And then I come inside her.

As we both come down, we stare at one another. She’s watching me as if she wants to say something and I’m almost afraid of what it might be.

“What?” I ask, unease creeping over me.

“I’m trying to imagine what the future looks like.”

I roll to the side, staring at the ceiling. “What do you mean?”

She draws in a breath, the kind you take when you’re waiting to let someone down. My heart pounds, waiting for her to tell me it’s over. “This is a start, Noah, but it doesn’t change the fact that we lost a daughter, added another one, and in all that time, we grew apart. There’s times when I look at you, and I don’t know who you are. I remember the boy I fell in love with, but he’s only a fraction of who you are now.” Sadness fills her voice. I want to comfort her and tell her everything will be okay, but I don’t know that, and I’ve never been one to bullshit anyone other than myself.

Sliding my hand across the sheets, I reach for hers and then pull her onto my chest. “We’ll get through this, Kel. We always do. It might take us twenty years, but together we’ll find a new normal.”

And that’s all we can do. We aren’t those same people who fucked in a car at a Pearl Jam concert. We aren’t even the same ones we were the day we said our vows, and we certainly aren’t those same people we were the day the doctors said, “There’s nothing more we can do.”

We’re these people, lying in bed staring at the ceiling wondering if the foundation we’ve built is strong enough to keep it going. You go through life and you experience the worst, but the real meaning behind all of it is how you come out the other side. That’s the true test.

Thirty-Two

Road Rules, Take Two

(If I never hear “Baby Shark” again, it’ll be too soon.)

LeavingTexas again isn’t easy, but I cry a lot less than I did the first time when I had to not only say goodbye to our family, I had to come to terms with leaving Mara behind. I knew she wasn’t technically there. I was only leaving behind a body that no longer had our little girl in it, but I couldn’t just go to her grave and say hello to her.

I think that’s why I turned to Journal so often. It was easier to write in Journal rather than talk to Noah about how I was feeling and the sadness I couldn’t shake. He wasn’t entirely to blame for our problems. We created them together.

This time leaving Texas, I don’t think about pouring myself into Journal and writing down everything I’m going to miss. This time I think about the life we’ve been creating in California and how we can make it better. Grace told me that when she and Ren lost his mother just a few short months after they were married, it destroyed their family because his mother was the backbone of their unit. Kind of like Grace. So when she died suddenly, no one knew what to do when it came time for the holidays. They had to make new memories, new traditions, ones that included her memory, but something everyone could look forward to.

For the sake of our family, we’ve had to make new memories and create new traditions with the kids. This last Christmas was a disaster. I spent the entire day in bed and refused to participate in anything. If it hadn’t been for Grace, my kids wouldn’t have had any good come from the day.

I won’t let that happen again.

* * *

Ifyou ever want to test a marriage, go through losing a child.

Or, a road trip with four kids under ten. It’s sure to set anyone off.

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