Page 128 of Lost in Love

Probably not.

I focus on the important part of what he said. He feels like he should play?

I’m not sure what to say to him because I can tell he’s doing this to please others and you know, it pisses me off. He’s doing it to fit in. He’s a child. He should never feel like he has to fit in.

Five

The cold shoulder

I takeCallan out for pizza, and the kid eats three pieces. I’m impressed. For someone his size, barely fifty pounds, three pieces of pizza is like me eating an entire pie myself. Not that I’m complaining about him eating. He’s a growing boy. It just surprises the hell out of me.

We don’t talk much through dinner. I suppose both of us have a lot on our minds. While I appreciate the time to think, I can’t help but notice the crease in Callan’s brow and the tense expression on his face. I know the look. It’s the same one I get when I’m stressed out. It’s certainly not a look I want my six-year-old having though.

I knock my knuckles on the table as he chews on a piece of crust. “Hey, bud, is there something you want to talk about?”

He shakes his head. No words, just a dismissal.

I know I should keep asking, push him to open up to me because it’s obvious something is bothering him, but to be completely honest, I’m scared his answer might be more troubling than I need to know.

And before you say it, I know what you’re thinking. What kind of parent would let this go?

Well, if you knew Callan at all, you’d know it’s best to let him come to you. If you push him to talk when he’s not ready, it’ll be weeks before he tells you what’s going on. And most of the time it has to do with insane questions like, “Is there any evidence that a thermonuclear device exploded over Hiroshima?”

He asked me that two weeks ago when I got home at midnight and he was pacing the hallway.That’sthe kind of shit that keeps this kid up at night.

When we get home, Madison is in the kitchen with a glass of water, her nightgown on already. “Hey, buddy.” She’s not talking to me. She won’t even look at me and fixes her stare on our son. “How was soccer?”

Callan shrugs, wrapping his arms around her. “It was good, Mommy.”

Sometimes, judging by the way he acts 90 percent of the time, I forget Callan’s age. He’s still a child regardless of the way he thinks. I watch the two of them for a moment, locked in an embrace, my smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. For a split second, the papers she sent me today don’t matter. For the one at her feet, we have to make this work. I see myself in Callan, and I promised, no, Isworemy kids would never have a life like I did. One with an absent father.

So how’d I let it get bad enough Madison wanted out?

Looking around the kitchen, I expect to see Noah on the floor drinking water or running around like Wolverine, but I don’t see him. “Where’s Noah?”

“In bed.” Madison hugs Callan to her side. “How about Daddy gets you ready for bed? I’m gonna go take a hot bath.”

Callan shrugs again, as though this might just be the only action he’s good at. And after tonight, I’m kinda convinced it might be.

But let’s backtrack here a second. She wants me to get him ready for bed. I don’t care either way. I’ll do it since I’m, you know, his father and I should be doing this kind of thing, but I can’t help but wonder if this is a trick to ignore me. I know it is for sure when she refuses to make eye contact with me as she slips into the other room and upstairs, leaving me alone in the kitchen with Callan.

He stares at me but this time doesn’t shrug. I think we’re making progress. “Is she mad at you?”

He’s perceptive, isn’t he?

I roll my eyes following him up the stairs. “How’d you guess?”

“She made you take me to soccer and now you’re here alone with me.”

He acts like we’ve never spent any time together. And I know that’s not entirely true. At least I don’t think it is.

“Let’s go get you ready for bed. You have school in the morning.”

I have absolutely no clue what my son does before he gets ready for bed. I did when he was younger, but the last two years, I guess you could say I haven’t been around much. Needless to say, we stare at one another in the hallway.

I know the usual, the things most kids and adults do like brush your teeth, but does he shower before bed or in the mornings?

This is Callan we’re talking about. The kid might take two showers a day knowing him. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit. I remember when he was a baby, bath time was his favorite and if I ever needed to calm him down, I’d sit him in the tub for a little while.

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